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Posts Tagged ‘work’

Volunteer Crew

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

“That ought to be obvious,” he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!”

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Complaining Customer

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest.
‘Oh, I really don’t care or mind,’ said the waiter with a smile. ‘We don’t have an air conditioner.’

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Signalman Training

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”

Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”

“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.

“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there,” answers Tom.

“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.

“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was busy?”

“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station.”

“What if that had been vandalized?”

“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked “Why would you do that?”

“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”

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Early Call

A man was the first to arrive at work one morning. The phone rang and he answered. When the caller asked for some specific information, the man explained that it was before normal business hours but that he would help if he could.
‘What’s your job there?’ the caller asked.
The man replied, ‘I’m the company president.’
There was a pause. Then the caller said, ‘I’ll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something about what’s going on.’

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Stress Medicine

Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt, I no come work.”

The boss says, “You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. What you have is just stress pain. When I feel like this I go to my wife and make love to her. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got very nice house.”

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New Cell Phones

A few years back, the place where I work decided to provide company-paid cell phones to the “suits” upstairs. After negotiating a deal with a cell phone company, we arranged for the phones to be sent to the homes of the various VP’s.
The day after delivery, I received a call from a partner screaming about how his cell phone didn’t work. He said he charged it overnight just like the sheet said, but in the morning, it wouldn’t power up.
I asked EXACTLY what he did with the phone when he got it.
“I took it out, plugged the charger into the wall and into the phone.”
“Did you put the battery in the phone?”
“Not the extra one.”
“Sir, the phone only came with one battery.”
(Pause) “Oh, I think I figured out what’s wrong with it.”

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Oldest Profession

A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions. Each one of them thought they had this in the bag.
The physician said, “Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.”
The engineer replied, “But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.”
Then, the politician spoke up. “Yes yes, this is all well and true,” he said, “but who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?”

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Upset Secretary

Rebecca, the curvy blonde secretary, came out from her boss’ office shaking with anger. A colleague asked her what was wrong.

Rebecca said,”Well, I was taking notes from the conference call and after the call ended, the boss walked around his desk and stood behind me. He stood there for a moment and then leaned over me, and in that deep sexy voice of his asked me what was I doing this evening.”

The colleague asked, “He did? Why are you so angry then? What did you say?”

Rebecca answered, “I said I was doing nothing and that bastard asked me to type up all the notes, make 10 copies and send out to all the partners with overnight mail!”

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Two Plus Two

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks “What do two plus two equal?”
The mathematician replies “Four.”
The interviewer asks “Four, exactly?”
The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says
“Yes, four, exactly.”
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question
“What do two plus two equal?”
The accountant says “On average, four – give or take ten percent, but on average, four.”
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question
“What do two plus two equal?”
The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says “What do you want it to equal?”

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Ferry Ride

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.
When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
“How did you like that jump, buddy?” said a proud John to a deck hand.
“It was great,” said the sailor. “But why didn’t you wait? We were just pulling in!”

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