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Posts Tagged ‘work’

Lumberjack

Oly was working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally sliced off all ten of his fingers.

He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor who examines him is really disturbed at such a tragedy. “Oh, yuck! Well, that’s all right, Oly, give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do for you.”

“I haven’t got the fingers,” Oly said, gasping through his pain.

The doctor said, “What do you mean, you haven’t got the fingers? It’s 2017. We’ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have reattached the fingers. You’d be as good as new! Why didn’t you bring the fingers?”

“Well, geez, Doc,” Oly groaned, I couldn’t pick ‘em up.”

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Idiot in Canada

An idiot heard that a fortune could be made by working as a lumberjack in Canada. So, off he goes. After some weeks, he arrives at a lumberjack-camp and asks the foreman for a job.
The foreman says, “Okay sonny, but you’ll have to do a test first. If you can chop down 100 trees tomorrow you’re hired.”
So, next day, the idiot gets his chainsaw and happily saws away all day. However, when trees are counted the idiot only has 98.
“Oh well,” says the foreman, “You’ll get another chance tomorrow.”
So, next day, same story, 99 trees.
“I don’t believe this,” says the foreman, “A big strong fella like yourself should be able to cut down 200 trees in a day. You know what? You get one more chance, and I’ll join you to show you the trick of it”.
So, next day, the idiot and the foreman go into the forest. Upon arrival at a nice open spot the foreman takes out the chainsaw and starts the engine to which the idiot says, “What the…? Where’s the noise coming from?”

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Foot Race

Two natural gas company service personnel, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of an alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. When they finished, the senior supervisor, proud of his physical condition, challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to their truck.

As they approached the truck, they realized that the woman from the last house they checked was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I saw two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run, too!”

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Job Center

A young guy goes to the Job Center in Charleston, West Virginia, and sees a flyer advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant at a Soothing Approach Gynecology Center. Interested, he wants to learn more. “Can you give me some more details?” he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up a file and says, “The job entails helping ladies get ready for the gynecologist in a soothing and relaxing manner. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off any hair, then rub in soothing oils so they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination. There’s an annual salary of $55 thousand, but you’re going to have to go to Charlotte, North Carolina. That’s about 250 miles from here.”
“Oh, is that where the job is?” the young man asks.
“No, sir. That’s where the end of the line is right now.”

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Tribal Shaman

A film crew is on location in Kenya, when a tribal shaman approaches the director and says, “Tomorrow rain.” The director pays no attention, but the following day it pours and shooting has to be delayed.

That night, the director sends his assistant to bring the shaman back. “What will be the weather tomorrow?” asks the director.

“Bigger rain tomorrow, much wind,” and sure enough a terrible storm once again delays the filming.

But then the witch doctor disappears for a week and the director, now depending on him, sends his people out to find him and bring him back to camp.

Finally, he is located and brought to the director’s tent. “What will be the weather tomorrow?” asks the director in desperation.

“No idea,” says the shaman, “Radio batteries dead.”

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Life After Death

“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.

“No, sir,” the clerk replied.

“Interesting.” the boss said. “You see, I never did either but yesterday, after you left early to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”

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Hard Working Farmer

A farmer and his recently hired hand were eating an early breakfast of biscuits and gravy, scrambled eggs, bacon and coffee that the farmer’s wife had prepared for them. Thinking of all the work they had to get done that day, the farmer told the hired man he might as well go ahead and eat his lunch too.

The hired man didn’t say a word, but filled his plate a second time and proceeded to eat. After awhile the farmer said, “We’ve got so much work to do today, you might as well eat your supper now too.”

Again, the hired man didn’t respond but refilled his plate a third time and continued to eat. Finally, after eating his third plate of food, the hired man pushed back his chair and began to take off his shoes.

“What are you doing”? the farmer asked.

The hired man replied, “I don’t work after supper.”

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Touchy Feely

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.

Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, “Just what the hell are you doing?!”

“Well,” said the guy, “you see, I’m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can’t help practicing my art!”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” the guy replied. “I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?”

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Lumberjack

A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, “I need a job and I think I’m pretty good.”

The owner replied, “Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there.” The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.

The owner was shocked and asked, “How did you chop that tree down so fast?”

The man said, “I got a lot of practice in the Sahara.”

The owner replied, “You mean the Sahara desert?”

“Yes,” he said, “or at least that’s what they call it now.”

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Red Tomatoes

A beautiful woman loved growing a garden, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentleman, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”
The gentleman responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”
Well, the woman was so impressed that she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. Twice a day, for two weeks, she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”
“No”, she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”

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