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Posts Tagged ‘students’

Surprise Visit

Don’t ever pay a surprise visit to a child in college. You might be the one getting the surprise. I learned this the hard way when I swung by my son’s campus during a business trip.

Locating what I thought was his fraternity house, I rang the doorbell. “Yeah?” a voice called from inside.

“Does Dylan Houseman live here?”

“Yup,” the voice answered. “Leave him on the front porch. We’ll bring him in later.”

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6th Grade Biology

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued, “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

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Homecoming Dance

It was the annual homecoming dance at the local high school gym. Most of the young folk were out on the dance floor but a few young men and women lined the sides of the gym, hoping for a dance partner to ask them out onto the dance floor.
After waiting anxiously for quite a while, a rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming.
She gave him the once-over and said, “Sorry, I won’t dance with a child.”
“Please forgive me,” responded the underclassman. “I didn’t realize you were pregnant.”

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Human Body Design

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”

Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”

The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

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Mid-Term Exam

Professor Sullivan was teaching a graduate level class at New York University.

On the mid-term exam he included a huge amount of material. As the exam started, tension in the room built, people were sighing and gasping aloud, some murmuring comments under their breaths as they were answering the midterm questions.

The following week Professor Sullivan tossed the graded papers on his desk and announced, “Class, after I left here last week, God spoke to me. Want to guess what he told me?”

The students’ full attention turned to the professor, some hoping he would toss the papers in the garbage bin and forget all about them.

After a brief pause, Professor Sullivan continued, “He said: ‘Thanks, professor. I haven’t heard from some of those people since they left grade school!’”

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Football Tryouts

A college football coach was holding tryouts for the team one day, and a huge, hulking freshman showed up on the field and said he’d never played football, but he’d like to give it a shot.
“Can you tackle?” asked the coach. The freshman looked around and spotted a telephone pole at the edge of the field. Without any delay or any padding, he charged smack into the pole, shattering it to splinters.
“Wow,” said the coach. “I’m impressed! Can you run?”
“Sure,” said the freshman. He took off and dashed from one end of the field to the other and back, faster than anyone the coach had ever seen.
“That’s great!” said the coach. He tossed a ball to the young man and asked, “Do you think you can pass a football?”
The freshman turned the ball over in his hands, hesitating for a few seconds, and shrugged. “Well, sir,” he said, “If I can swallow it, I can probably pass it!”

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Two sons

Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, “Your son go back to college yet?”

“Two days ago.”

“Hmm. Mine’s a senior this year, so it’s almost over. In May, he’ll be an engineer. What’s your boy going to be when he gets out of college?”

“At the rate he’s going, I’d say he’ll be about thirty.”

“No, I mean what’s he taking in college?”

“He’s taking every penny I make.”

“Doesn’t he burn the midnight oil enough?”

“He doesn’t get in early enough to burn the midnight oil.”

“Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?”

“Sure has! It’s totally cured his mother of bragging about him!”

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Flying Broomstick

An engineering student was walking across campus when he saw his classmate flying on a broomstick. He asked, “Where did you get such a great flying broomstick?”

The second one replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful witch flew up on this broomstick. She threw the broomstick to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.’ So I took the broomstick.”

The first student nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

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College Freshman

The huge college freshman figured he’d try out for the football team. “Can you tackle?” asked the coach.

“Watch this,” said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

“Wow,” said the coach. “I’m impressed. Can you run?”

“Of course I can run,” said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

“Great!” enthused the coach. “But can you pass a football?”

The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. “Well, sir,” he said, “if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.”

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Freshman Test

While visiting Annapolis, a lady tourist noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.

“What are they doing?” she asked the tour guide.

“Each year,” he replied with a grin, “the upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard.”

When they were out of earshot of the freshmen, the curious lady asked the guide: “So, what’s the answer?”

The guide replied: “One.”

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