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Posts Tagged ‘sex’

What is Sex?

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, “Mom, what’s sex?”

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject in as simple language as she could.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form for a fall camp which he had brought home from school and said, “Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?”

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Stress Medicine

Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt, I no come work.”

The boss says, “You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. What you have is just stress pain. When I feel like this I go to my wife and make love to her. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got very nice house.”

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The Doctor’s Convention

There’s a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor’s convention. One night, a male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they’re sitting next to each other by the end of dinner. After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room.

“Sure,” the woman says. “Let me go wash my hands first.

“After she washes her hands, they have sex. After they are finished, she washes her hands again. This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so, with sarcasm in his tone, he says, “You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.”

Angered at this remark, the woman says, “Well, you must be an anesthesiologist, because I didn’t feel a thing!”

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Child’s Commentary

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted.A few moments passed.
“An ambulance just drove by.”
A few moments later, “Looks like the Anderson’s have company,” he called out.”Matt’s riding a new bike.”
A few moments later, “Looks like the Sanders are moving.””Jason is on his skate board.”
A few more moments, “The Coopers are having sex.”
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, “How do you know they are having sex?”
“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle too.”

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Wife’s Demand

A woman, completely fed up with her husbands internet browsing obsession finally takes matter into her own hands.

One night, as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a pair of sexy lingerie and she posts herself between her husband and his monitor. She leans forward and whispers, “Time for super sex.”

He ignores her. So, she starts saying it louder and eventually yells, “Super Sex” “Super Sex” “Super Sex”.

Finally, he replies, “Ok, I’ll take the soup.”

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Daddy and Aunt Jane

Little Johnny runs to his mom yelling, “Mommy, Mommy. I was at the playground and I saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in Daddy’s car go into the woods.”

Johnny’s mom intrigued, asks him to continue with the story.

The boy goes on, “I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy…”

At this point Johnny’s mom cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

At the dinner table, mom asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat and “… then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy.”

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Nookie Green

A man enters the confessional and says to the priest, “Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.”

The priest tells the sinner, “You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys.”

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. “Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months.”

This time the priest asks,”Who is Nookie Green?”

“A new woman in the neighborhood,” the sinner replies.

“Very well, ” sighs the priest. “Go and say ten Hail Marys.”

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a gorgeous, tall woman enters the sanctuary. All the men’s eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispered, “Is that Nookie Green?”

The bug-eyed altar boy replies, “No, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes.”

 

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Wedding Night

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who he has never been with a woman before.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.They end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

“What happened?” she asks.

“Well, I’ve never been with a woman,” he says, “but if it’s anything like a kangaroo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get.”

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Cheating Couple

The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there came the sound of a key in the front door.

The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm. “Heavens,” she cried, “it’s my husband! Quick, jump out the window.”

The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window, then demurred. “I can’t,” he said, “we’re on the thirteenth floor.”

“For heaven’s sake,” cried the young lady in exasperation, “It’s not a good time to be superstitious!”

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Pleading Student

A student comes to a young professor`s office after hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
“I would do anything to pass this exam.” she says. Then she leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
“I mean…” she whispers, “I would do absolutely anything!”
He returns her gaze. “Anything?”
“Yes, anything!”
His voice turns to a whisper, “Would you…study?”

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