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Posts Tagged ‘seniors’

Lottery Win

Grandma was nearly ninety years of age when she won $1,000,000 in lottery. Her family were extremely worried about her heart and feared that news of her large win would come as too much of a shock for her.
“Think we had better call in the doctor to tell her the news,” suggested the eldest son.
The doctor soon arrived and the situation was explained to him.
“Now, you don’t have to worry about anything,” said the doctor. “I am fully trained in such delicate matters and I feel sure I can break this news to her gently. I assure you, there is absolutely no need for you to fear for her health.”
The doctor went in to see the old lady and gradually brought the conversation around the lottery.
“Tell me,” said the doctor, “what would you do if you had a large win – say one million dollars?”
“Why,” replied the old lady, “I’d give half of it to you, of course.”

The doctor fell down dead with shock.

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Head-on Collision

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit head-on.

One driver, a sweet elderly woman, kept repeating, “He wouldn’t let me have my half of the road!”

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, “That old lady says that you wouldn’t let her have her half of the road. Why not?

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, “Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road, if she had just signaled WHICH half she wanted!”

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Grumpy Grandpa

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.
The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, “Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy?
Grandpa, being in a kind of ill mood, responded “No, I don’t really want to make the sound of a frog now.”
So, the second little boy came out and asked his grandfather, “Will you please make a sound like a frog?”
Grandpa again said, “No, not now. I don’t really want to do that. I’m in a grumpy mood. Maybe later.”
Then the third little boy came out and pleaded, “Grandpa, oh please, please, please will you make a sound like a frog?”
“Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?” Grandpa asked quite annoyed.
The oldest little boy replied with a hopeful face, “Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!”

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Living to a 100

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
“Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret to my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
He replied, “Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”

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American Seniors

Groups of American seniors were traveling by tour bus through Holland.

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used in some of the cheeses. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 

“These,” she explained, “are the older goats. We put them out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”

A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”

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Two Old Guys

Two old guys at a senior center were sipping lemonade on the porch.

One says to the other, “I see that the older I get, the more pain I am in. It seems that these days even my aches have pains.”

The other one says, “I don’t think I experienced that. I feel much different, actually.”

The first guy, surprised with the other guy’s response says: “You must be close to my age. How are you feeling these days?”

The other one says, “Like a brand new baby.”

“No kidding! Like a brand new baby? How come?”

“Yep. Just like a baby – no teeth, no hair, and wet diapers.”

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Forgotten

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?”
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. “I’ll tell you, Rabbi,” he whispered. “When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must’ve forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him!”

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Denounce the Devil

The Priest was preparing a man for his long day’s journey into night. Whispering firmly, the Priest said, “Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him!”

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order.

Still the man said nothing.

The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”

The dying man said, “Until I know for sure where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”

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Financial Adviser

A wealthy ninety year old tycoon is meeting with his new financial adviser.

The adviser is very excited and tells the old man, “I just found out about an investment I can make for you which will double your money in just five years!”

“Five years? Are you kidding?” exclaims the old man. “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas!”

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Wrinkle Removal

An old man of 87 went to the hospital to get a radical new surgical procedure done where they stretch the skin and pull all the wrinkles up onto the top of the scalp making you appear years younger.

On his way out of the hospital, he met an old friend who didn’t recognize him at first.

“Rob, is that really you?” said the friend. “You look years younger. I didn’t know you had a dimple in your chin.”

“It’s not a dimple, it’s my belly button” said the old man and his friend laughed.

“If you think that’s funny, take a look at what I’m wearing for a tie!”

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