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Posts Tagged ‘seniors’

Kansas Tornado

Out in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, without warning, and with unusual patterns of destruction. In one case, a house was completely whisked away leaving only the foundation and first floor. A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor.

The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself. “It was the strangest thing… it was the strangest thing…” she kept repeating dazedly.

“What was the strangest thing, Ma’am?” asked one of the rescuers.

“I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath, and all I did was pull the plug and the whole darned house suddenly drained away.”

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Generous Travel Agent

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop, “I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.”

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.

“And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly.

“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said. “I’ve come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old fart I had to share the room with?”

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92 Years

An old fellow was celebrating 92 years on this Earth.

When he woke up, he looked down at his feet and spoke to his toes. “Hello, toes!” he said, “How are you, toes? You know, you are 92 today. Oh, the times we’ve had! Remember we walked in the park every summer Sunday? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!”

“Hello, knees,” he continued. “How are you, knees? You know you’re 92 today. Oh, the times we’ve had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh the hurdles we’ve jumped together. Happy Birthday knees!”

Then, he looked down at his crotch. “Hello Willie! You little bugger, if you were alive today, you’d be 92.”

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Lottery Win

Grandma was nearly ninety years of age when she won $1,000,000 in lottery. Her family were extremely worried about her heart and feared that news of her large win would come as too much of a shock for her.
“Think we had better call in the doctor to tell her the news,” suggested the eldest son.
The doctor soon arrived and the situation was explained to him.
“Now, you don’t have to worry about anything,” said the doctor. “I am fully trained in such delicate matters and I feel sure I can break this news to her gently. I assure you, there is absolutely no need for you to fear for her health.”
The doctor went in to see the old lady and gradually brought the conversation around the lottery.
“Tell me,” said the doctor, “what would you do if you had a large win – say one million dollars?”
“Why,” replied the old lady, “I’d give half of it to you, of course.”

The doctor fell down dead with shock.

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Head-on Collision

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit head-on.

One driver, a sweet elderly woman, kept repeating, “He wouldn’t let me have my half of the road!”

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, “That old lady says that you wouldn’t let her have her half of the road. Why not?

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, “Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road, if she had just signaled WHICH half she wanted!”

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Grumpy Grandpa

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.
The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, “Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy?
Grandpa, being in a kind of ill mood, responded “No, I don’t really want to make the sound of a frog now.”
So, the second little boy came out and asked his grandfather, “Will you please make a sound like a frog?”
Grandpa again said, “No, not now. I don’t really want to do that. I’m in a grumpy mood. Maybe later.”
Then the third little boy came out and pleaded, “Grandpa, oh please, please, please will you make a sound like a frog?”
“Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?” Grandpa asked quite annoyed.
The oldest little boy replied with a hopeful face, “Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!”

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Living to a 100

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
“Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret to my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
He replied, “Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”

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American Seniors

Groups of American seniors were traveling by tour bus through Holland.

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used in some of the cheeses. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 

“These,” she explained, “are the older goats. We put them out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”

A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”

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Two Old Guys

Two old guys at a senior center were sipping lemonade on the porch.

One says to the other, “I see that the older I get, the more pain I am in. It seems that these days even my aches have pains.”

The other one says, “I don’t think I experienced that. I feel much different, actually.”

The first guy, surprised with the other guy’s response says: “You must be close to my age. How are you feeling these days?”

The other one says, “Like a brand new baby.”

“No kidding! Like a brand new baby? How come?”

“Yep. Just like a baby – no teeth, no hair, and wet diapers.”

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Forgotten

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?”
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. “I’ll tell you, Rabbi,” he whispered. “When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must’ve forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him!”

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