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Posts Tagged ‘school’

Final Exam

Just before the final exam in my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me.

“Can you tell me what grade I would need to get on the exam to pass the course?” he asked.

I gave him the bad news. “The exam is worth 100 points, but you would need 113 points to earn a D for the course.”

“OK,” he said. “And how many points would I need to get a C?”

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Biology Assignment

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, “How was I born?”
“Well honey…” said the slightly prudish parent. “The stork brought you to us.”
“Ohh…” said the boy. “Well, how did you and daddy get born?” he asked.
“Oh, your grandparents found us under a rock.”
“Well how were grandpa and grandma born?” he persisted.
“Well darling, they were found under a cabbage leaf,” said the parent.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: “This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”

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College Tour

A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
“It’s a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway,” he said.
“Actually,” said his guide, “it’s named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.”
The visitor was astonished. “Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?”
“Yes, indeed,” said his guide. “He wrote a check.”

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6th Grade Biology

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued, “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

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Mid-Term Exam

Professor Sullivan was teaching a graduate level class at New York University.

On the mid-term exam he included a huge amount of material. As the exam started, tension in the room built, people were sighing and gasping aloud, some murmuring comments under their breaths as they were answering the midterm questions.

The following week Professor Sullivan tossed the graded papers on his desk and announced, “Class, after I left here last week, God spoke to me. Want to guess what he told me?”

The students’ full attention turned to the professor, some hoping he would toss the papers in the garbage bin and forget all about them.

After a brief pause, Professor Sullivan continued, “He said: ‘Thanks, professor. I haven’t heard from some of those people since they left grade school!’”

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Science Lab

Mother: “How was school today, Patrick?”

Patrick: “It was really great mum! Today in the science lab we made explosives!”

Mother: “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”

Patrick: “What school?”

 

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Big People Words

A group of four-year-olds were trying very hard to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
“You need to use ‘Big People’ words,” she was always reminding them. “John what did… you do over the weekend?”
“I went to visit my Nana.”
“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People’ words!” She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
“I took a ride on a choo-choo.”
“No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words,” she said. She then asked little Alex what he had done.
“I read a book,” he replied.
“That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”
Alex thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, “Winnie the SHIT.”

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Parents’ Job

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?”

Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”

“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amy?”

Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”

“Thank you, Amy” said the teacher. “What does your parent do, Billy?”

Billy proudly stood up and announced, “Nothing. He’s an economist.”

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Psychology Test

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”

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Drawing God

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “but no one knows what God looks like.”

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

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