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Posts Tagged ‘priest’

Walking Out

A Reverend was standing at the door of the church and shaking hands with the parishioners after the service, when a short middle aged woman approached him with a shy smile.

“I hope you didn’t take it personally, Reverend,” an embarrassed woman said after a church service, “when my husband walked out during your sermon.”

“I did find it rather concerning and wondered if he had some disagreement with what I said,” the preacher replied.

“I can assure you it’s not a reflection on you,” insisted the church goer, “Ralph has been been walking in his sleep since childhood.”

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The Plaque

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”
“Good morning, Pastor,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor, what is this?”
The pastor replied, “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, “Which service, the 8:00 or the 9:30?”

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Board Meeting

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. He would wait in the office behind the main church.

The first man to arrive was a stranger the minister has not seen before.

“Sir, you misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board,” said the minister.

“Oh, I know,” said the man. “And, if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I’d like to meet them.”

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Deathbed Summons

A preacher on his deathbed summoned his doctor and his lawyer. They came, and he asked them to sit on either side of his bed and hold his hands.

They sat thus for a long while until the doctor stirred and said, “You don’t have long on this earth, Reverend. Can you tell us why you asked us to come?”

The old preacher stirred himself wheezed and said, “Well, Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s the way I want to go too.”

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Denounce the Devil

The Priest was preparing a man for his long day’s journey into night. Whispering firmly, the Priest said, “Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him!”

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order.

Still the man said nothing.

The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”

The dying man said, “Until I know for sure where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”

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Church Offering

A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a roll of $100 bills. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him.

The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”

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Pastor’s Children

A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, ‘Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, ‘Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubber shoes.’
The entire congregation said, ‘Amen.’

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Nookie Green

A man enters the confessional and says to the priest, “Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.”

The priest tells the sinner, “You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys.”

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. “Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months.”

This time the priest asks,”Who is Nookie Green?”

“A new woman in the neighborhood,” the sinner replies.

“Very well, ” sighs the priest. “Go and say ten Hail Marys.”

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a gorgeous, tall woman enters the sanctuary. All the men’s eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispered, “Is that Nookie Green?”

The bug-eyed altar boy replies, “No, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes.”

 

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All Saints

A priest told the little kids they could come Trick-or-Treating at the rectory but they should dress up as one of the Saints.

So the kids arrive – here’s a little boy dressed up as St. Anthony, St. Joseph, a little girl is St. Clare – and then there’s this kid in a dog costume.

So Father asks “Where’s your saint costume?”

The little boy replies: “I’m SAINT BERNARD!”

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