Advertisement
Advertisement
 

Posts Tagged ‘parenting’

What is Sex?

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, “Mom, what’s sex?”

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject in as simple language as she could.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form for a fall camp which he had brought home from school and said, “Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?”

Rate This Post :

Dad’s Mistake

It’s the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He’s a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in. “Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says.

“That’s cool,” says Bobby.

Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie’s father responds, “Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie’s dad to repeat it.

“Yeah,” says Carrie’s father, “Carrie really likes to screw; she’d screw all night if we let her!”

Well, this just made Bobby’s eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: “DARN IT, DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!”

Rate This Post :

Anger and Exasperation

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial”.

“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch….”

The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.

“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.”

He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!”

The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”

Rate This Post :

Bragging Moms

Three mothers are sitting on a bench talking about how much their sons love them.

Sadie says, “You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is; he loves his mother.”

Minnie says, “You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother’s Day? That’s from my son Bernie. What a doll.”

Shirley says “That’s nothing. You know my son Stanley? He’s in analysis with a psychoanalyst on Harley Street. Five sessions a week. And what does he talk about? Me.”

Rate This Post :

Glass of Water

A small boy is sent to bed by his mother.
[Five minutes later]
“Mom…”
“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
[Five minutes later]
“Mom…”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY… Can I have a glass of water?”
“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!”
[Five minutes later]
“Mom…”
“WHAT??!!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?”

Rate This Post :

Scared of the Dark

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.”

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?”

“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?”

Rate This Post :

Punishment

A teenage son comes to his father and with a smirk on his face says, “Dad, remember when I was younger, and you saw me kill a butterfly and you told me ‘No butter for a week.’”

“Yeah,” said the father.

“And remember when you saw me kill a honeybee later?” continued the son.

“Yes, no honey for a week for that” said the father with a smile.

“Well, I just saw mom kill a cockroach. Will you tell her or do you want me to break it to her?”

Rate This Post :

Little Leprechaun

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so she said yes. When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands.
When he got back to class his teacher asked, ‘What do you have in your hand.’ The boy said, ‘A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he’ll get scared away.’
He was then sent to the principal’s office and the principal asked him, ‘What do you have in your hand.’ So the little boy said, ‘A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he’ll get scared away.’
He was sent home and his mom asked him ‘What do you have in your hand.’ So the little boy said, ‘A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he’ll get scared away.’
He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked, ‘What do you have in your hand.’ So again the little boy said, ‘A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he get scared away.’
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, ‘Open your hands!’
The little boy opened his hands and with tears in his eyes said, ‘Look Dad you scared the crap out of him.’

Rate This Post :

Two sons

Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, “Your son go back to college yet?”

“Two days ago.”

“Hmm. Mine’s a senior this year, so it’s almost over. In May, he’ll be an engineer. What’s your boy going to be when he gets out of college?”

“At the rate he’s going, I’d say he’ll be about thirty.”

“No, I mean what’s he taking in college?”

“He’s taking every penny I make.”

“Doesn’t he burn the midnight oil enough?”

“He doesn’t get in early enough to burn the midnight oil.”

“Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?”

“Sure has! It’s totally cured his mother of bragging about him!”

Rate This Post :

Child’s Commentary

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted.A few moments passed.
“An ambulance just drove by.”
A few moments later, “Looks like the Anderson’s have company,” he called out.”Matt’s riding a new bike.”
A few moments later, “Looks like the Sanders are moving.””Jason is on his skate board.”
A few more moments, “The Coopers are having sex.”
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, “How do you know they are having sex?”
“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle too.”

Rate This Post :
Advertisement
Categories