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Posts Tagged ‘parenting’

Dad’s Birthday

On his birthday, my husband was stuck driving our six rambunctious children around to their activities. As usual, they were yelling, punching, and annoying one another. Joel finally had had enough. He pulled over and addressed the kids.

“Kids,” he said, “if you would behave and be kind to each other, that would be a very nice birthday present for me.”

Our six-year-old smarty pants shot back, “Too late dad, we already got you another present.”

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Mom’s Evening Out

One evening after dinner, my five-year-old son Brian noticed that his mother had gone out. In answer to his questions, I told him, “Mommy is at a Tupperware party.”

This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, “What’s a Tupperware party, Dad?”

I’ve always given my son honest answers, so I figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. “Well, Brian,” I said, “at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other.”

Brian nodded, indicating that he understood. Then he burst into laughter. “Come on, Dad,” he said. “What is it really?”

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Present for a Grandson

Even with a thousand games, dolls and crafts to choose from, my customer at the toy store still couldn’t find a thing for her grandson.

“Maybe a video or something educational?” I asked.

“No, that’s not it,” she said.

We wandered the aisles until something caught her eye, a laser gun with flashing lights and 15 different high-pitched sounds.

“This is perfect,” she said, beaming. “My daughter-in-law will hate it.”

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Surprise Visit

Don’t ever pay a surprise visit to a child in college. You might be the one getting the surprise. I learned this the hard way when I swung by my son’s campus during a business trip.

Locating what I thought was his fraternity house, I rang the doorbell. “Yeah?” a voice called from inside.

“Does Dylan Houseman live here?”

“Yup,” the voice answered. “Leave him on the front porch. We’ll bring him in later.”

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Crying Baby

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands. The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn’t stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant next door to a neighbor who was a nurse.
After the nurse listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, she examined the baby’s ears, listened to his chest and then looked down to the diaper area.
When she undid the diaper, she found that the diaper was indeed full.
“Here’s the problem”, she said, “He needs to be changed!”
The father was very perplexed, “But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!”

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Feeding a Baby

The first-time dad was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food all over the baby.

Half way through the jar, the dad thought there must be a better way to do this, one where more food will end up inside the baby’s mouth.

His wife came in, looked at the infant, then at her husband, who is just staring off into space and says, “What in the world are you doing?”

The husband replied, “I thought it was obvious. I’m waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another.”

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What is Sex?

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, “Mom, what’s sex?”

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject in as simple language as she could.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form for a fall camp which he had brought home from school and said, “Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?”

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Dad’s Mistake

It’s the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He’s a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in. “Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says.

“That’s cool,” says Bobby.

Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie’s father responds, “Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie’s dad to repeat it.

“Yeah,” says Carrie’s father, “Carrie really likes to screw; she’d screw all night if we let her!”

Well, this just made Bobby’s eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: “DARN IT, DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!”

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Anger and Exasperation

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial”.

“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch….”

The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.

“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.”

He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!”

The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”

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Bragging Moms

Three mothers are sitting on a bench talking about how much their sons love them.

Sadie says, “You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is; he loves his mother.”

Minnie says, “You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother’s Day? That’s from my son Bernie. What a doll.”

Shirley says “That’s nothing. You know my son Stanley? He’s in analysis with a psychoanalyst on Harley Street. Five sessions a week. And what does he talk about? Me.”

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