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Posts Tagged ‘marriage/relationship’

Football Fan

While watching a football game, two friends are talking during a commercial.
One guy says, “My wife said I am obsessed with football and put it before our marriage.”
The other guy says, “Oh, she’s exaggerating.”
First guy replies, “I thought so, too. If I was putting football before our marriage, would I take her out to a really nice celebration of our third season together last week?”

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Best Toast

Patrick hoisted his beer and said: “Here’s to spending the rest of my life in bed having sex with me wife!”

And with that he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: “Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”

She said: “Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?”

So he told her: “Here’s to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh,” she said, “that is very nice, dear.”

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy’s drinking partners in the street.

Mischievously, the man said: “Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?”

She replied: “Aye, and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he’s only been in there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

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Super Bowl Tickets

A guy placed an ad on a Local Affairs website:

“I have two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl, both box seats. I paid $2500 for each ticket, but I didn’t realize last year when I bought them that it was going to be on the same day as my wedding. I am looking for someone to take my place. The wedding is at St. Thomas Church, Providence at 3pm. Her name is Amanda. She’s 5’6″, about 130 lbs. She is a good cook, too. She’ll be the one in the white dress.”

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Living to a 100

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
“Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret to my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
He replied, “Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”

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At the Beach

A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a well-endowed, beautiful, young, blonde woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled passed. The woman looked at the doctor, smiled seductively, and said in a very sexy voice, “Hi there handsome. How are you doing?” before wiggling her backside and walking off.
“Who was that?” demanded the doctor’s wife.
“Just a woman I met professionally,” replied the doctor.
“Oh yeah?” snarled his wife, “In whose profession? Yours or hers?”

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Taking Care of Business

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 
“Certainly, Sir , that’ll be one cent.” 
One Cent?” the man exclaimed. 
He glanced at the menu and asked: “How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?” 
“A nickel,” the barman replied. 
“A nickel?” exclaimed the man. 
“Where’s the guy who owns this place?” 
The bartender replied: “Upstairs, with my wife.”
The man asked: “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” 
The bartender replied: “The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”

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Reminder Software

A guy who had forgotten the dates for a number of his friends’ and relatives’ birthdays and anniversaries, decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. 

He went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. Finally, he found one where the clerk seemed experienced.

“Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?” the guy asked.

“Have you tried a wife?” the clerk responded.

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Poor Groom

After dating a young lady for some time a poor young man decides it is time to marry her.  He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the big day comes. 

On the day of the wedding the young man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony. The service proceeds as planned and the vows are exchanged. Now it is time for the groom to kiss his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be paid. He pulls the young man aside and asks him, “Can you please pay me now?”

Not wanting to create a scene the young man asks, “How much do I owe you?”

The pastor thinks quickly and replies, “Pay me according to your wife’s beauty.”

The young man checks his pocket. All he has is five dollars and he gives it to the pastor. 

Although annoyed by this, the pastor realizes he has himself to blame. He continues the ceremony and says, “You may now kiss the bride now.”

At this point the veil is lifted from the brides face to allow the groom to kiss her. As the groom is about to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts and promptly hands the groom his five dollars back.

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An Absent-minded Husband

An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife’s birthday and their anniversary.
He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, “Your loving husband.”
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, when he came home, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, “Nice flowers, honey. Where’d you get them?”

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Texting Hubby

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: “Windows frozen, won’t open.”

Husband texts back: “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer.”

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: “Computer really messed up now.”

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