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Posts Tagged ‘marriage/relationship’

How Many Women

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
“C’mon, tell me,” she asked for the thousandth time, “how many women have you slept with?”
“Baby,” he protested, “if I told you, you’d throw a fit.”
“No, I won’t,” she promised, “I just want to know where I fit in comparison.”
Since she promised over and over that she won’t get angry, her hubby finally agreed to tell her.
“Okay,” he said, “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven – then there’s you – nine, ten, 11, 12, 13…”

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Return of a Sailor

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a newborn baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
“Was it my friend Sam?” he demanded.
“No!” his weeping wife replied.
“Was it my friend Jim then?” he asked.
“NO!!!” she said even more upset.
“Well which one of my no-good friends did this then?” he asked.
“Oh, don’t you think I have any friends of my own?” she snapped.

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Letter to a Company

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of praise and approval to the manufacturer.

Several weeks later, he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.

“Well, what did I tell you? They always send you free stuff when you write them a letter” his wife commented smiling.

Excited, the guy rushed to his desk, opened his computer and started typing something.

“What are you doing?” the wife inquired, “Dinner’s hot on the table.”

“I’m writing to General Motors!” exclaimed the guy.

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Happy Marriage

There once was a man and a woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They talked about everything. They kept no secrets from each other except that the old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open it or ask her about it.

For all these years he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would never recover. In trying to sort out their affairs the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it he found 2 beautifully crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling over $25,000. He asked her about the unusual contents.

“When we were married,” she said, ” my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily.”

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with joy and happiness.

“Sweetheart,” he said “that explains the doilies, but what about all this money? Where did it all come from?”

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the doilies.”

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50th Anniversary

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their Golden Wedding Anniversary.
“Let’s have a big party, Homer,” she suggested. “You’ll need to kill a pig.”
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. “Gee, Ethel,” he finally answered, “I don’t see why the pig should die for something that happened fifty years ago.”

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Football Fan

While watching a football game, two friends are talking during a commercial.
One guy says, “My wife said I am obsessed with football and put it before our marriage.”
The other guy says, “Oh, she’s exaggerating.”
First guy replies, “I thought so, too. If I was putting football before our marriage, would I take her out to a really nice celebration of our third season together last week?”

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Best Toast

Patrick hoisted his beer and said: “Here’s to spending the rest of my life in bed having sex with me wife!”

And with that he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: “Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”

She said: “Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?”

So he told her: “Here’s to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh,” she said, “that is very nice, dear.”

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy’s drinking partners in the street.

Mischievously, the man said: “Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?”

She replied: “Aye, and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he’s only been in there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

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Super Bowl Tickets

A guy placed an ad on a Local Affairs website:

“I have two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl, both box seats. I paid $2500 for each ticket, but I didn’t realize last year when I bought them that it was going to be on the same day as my wedding. I am looking for someone to take my place. The wedding is at St. Thomas Church, Providence at 3pm. Her name is Amanda. She’s 5’6″, about 130 lbs. She is a good cook, too. She’ll be the one in the white dress.”

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Living to a 100

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
“Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret to my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
He replied, “Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”

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At the Beach

A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a well-endowed, beautiful, young, blonde woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled passed. The woman looked at the doctor, smiled seductively, and said in a very sexy voice, “Hi there handsome. How are you doing?” before wiggling her backside and walking off.
“Who was that?” demanded the doctor’s wife.
“Just a woman I met professionally,” replied the doctor.
“Oh yeah?” snarled his wife, “In whose profession? Yours or hers?”

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