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Posts Tagged ‘marriage/relationship’

Comparing Notes

My wife and I were comparing notes the other day.

“I have a higher IQ, sis better on my SAT’s, and make more money than you,” she pointed out.

“Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I’m still ahead,” I said.

She looked mystified, “How do you figure?”

“I married better,” I replied.

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All in the Family

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, “Are they relatives of yours?”

“Yes,” his wife replied. “I married into the family.”

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Mystic Reading

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt – prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
“Will I be acquitted?”

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Birthday Cake

For his wife’s birthday, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription: “You are not getting older, You are getting better.”

When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, “Just put ‘You are not getting older’ at the top, and ‘You are just getting better’ at the bottom.”

That night, in a room full of guests singing “Happy Birthday” the wife blew the candles off a cake as her expression changed from happy to shocked and angered. The inscription on the cake read:

“YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM.”

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Lazy Husband

Philip was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way he had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.
He ignored his wife Paula’s not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but Philip didn’t realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the dishwasher shorted and vacuum cleaner stopped working. The final straw came when the garage door closed on their car as they were pulling in and wouldn’t open back up.
Paula looked so stricken that he had to offer some consolation.
“That’s OK, darling,” Philip said. “You still have me.”
Paula looked up at him with tears in her eyes. “Yes, Philip,” she wailed, “but you don’t work either.”

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A Dream

An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, “Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had.”

The wife replies, “Yes, go on tell me.”

So the husband says “I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.”

The wife says, “Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.”

The husband says, “No, I am sure it was a dream.”

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A Compliment

Bob was sitting at the table one morning, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known for his lack of IQ.

He turned to his wife and said, “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”

She replied, “Why, thank you, Dear!”

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Woman’s Wrath

A woman dies after a long illness, and finds herself just outside of heaven, at the Pearly Gates. Just then, St Peter comes along, and she asks him: “Is this heaven? How can I enter the gates?”

St Peter replies: “Yes, this is heaven. All you have to do is spell one word for me, and you’ll be free to enter.”

“What word?,” she asks. “Please tell me!”

“Spell LOVE,” and you can enter, replied St Peter.

Relieved, she spells the word correctly, and St Peter opens the gates for her. After she had been in heaven for some time, the woman became quite comfortable and happy, but she still missed her beloved husband who she left on the Earth. As an extra way of being of service, she asks to become a helper of St Peter, along with others who greet the newcomers to heaven and usher them through the pearly gates. Imagine her surprise one day when her husband appeared at the gates.

“Darling! I thought you’d never get here,” she says in greeting. “I have missed you so much. tell me, what have you been doing all this time? Was life hard for you after I left?”

Her husband replied: “Well, it’s good to see you, too! Yes, I have been quite busy. I was very sorry when you left, but I was quite attracted to that cute nurse who helped you through your last days, and we ended up getting married a few months after your passing. And then I won the lottery! Can you imagine? I was able to buy a large mansion, a new car, retired from my job, and my new wife and I traveled the world and we have had a grand life. We were on a vacation in the Greek isles and while I was water-skiing, my ski fell off and hit me in the head,so, here I am! I was sorry to leave her and the earth, but it’s really great to see you again. Gee, it looks so nice in there. Is this heaven?”

The woman looked at him, smiled sweetly, and says: “Well, imagine that! I have missed you so much, and hoped that you missed me, too. Oh well, I guess life goes on right?”

“Right!,” he said. “So, tell me, how do I get in?

Oh, yes,” she replied. “All you have to do is spell one word”

“Okay!” he said excitedly. “What word?

“Czechoslovakia”

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Memory Lane

A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.

The woman said, “Sweetheart, let’s do the same thing we did here thirty years ago.”

The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before.

Back in the car, the guy says, “Darling, you sure never moved like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!”

The woman says, “thirty years ago that fence wasn’t electrified!”

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State Fair

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.

We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said: “THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR” My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said: “He mated fifty time last year”

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said: “THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR” My wife gave me a healthy jab, grinned and said: “WOW! That’s more than twice a week! You could learn something from that one!”

On the door to the third pen was a sign that said:
“THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR” My wife was so exited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said: “That’s once a day!!!! You could REALLY learn a lot from this one!

I looked at her and said: “Go over and ask any of them if it was with the same old cow”

My condition was upgraded from critical to stable and I should be leaving the hospital in about a week.

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