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Posts Tagged ‘marriage/relationship’

State Fair

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.

We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said: “THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR” My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said: “He mated fifty time last year”

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said: “THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR” My wife gave me a healthy jab, grinned and said: “WOW! That’s more than twice a week! You could learn something from that one!”

On the door to the third pen was a sign that said:
“THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR” My wife was so exited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said: “That’s once a day!!!! You could REALLY learn a lot from this one!

I looked at her and said: “Go over and ask any of them if it was with the same old cow”

My condition was upgraded from critical to stable and I should be leaving the hospital in about a week.

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Stress Medicine

Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt, I no come work.”

The boss says, “You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. What you have is just stress pain. When I feel like this I go to my wife and make love to her. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got very nice house.”

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Sad and Drinking

A guy walked into a bar and saw his friend sitting with a glass of beer at the bar, looking sad and troubled. He approached his friend and asked what happened.

“The wife and I had hardly finished one argument when I screwed up and started another one.”
“How’d you do that?”
“Well, you know when you’re done with a big fight and your wife suggests a little ‘make-up sex’?”
“Yeah.”
“I guess it wasn’t the right time for me to ask, ‘Does it have to be with you?’”

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Anniversary Note

On their 25th wedding anniversary, a husband took his wife out to dinner. Their teenage daughters said they’d have dessert waiting for them when they returned.
After the couple got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: ‘Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn’t do!’
‘I suppose,’ the husband responded, ‘we could vacuum.’

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Unfaithful Father

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.”

After dinner, George’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she’s a wonderful wife and mother, but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.”

George was brokenhearted.

After few months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Diane said yes! We’re getting married in June.”

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Diane is your half sister too, George. I’m awfully sorry about this.”

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

“Mom, did you know dad was such a cheater? He has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.”

“Eh,” his mother sighted, shaking her head, “Don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”

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Improved Husband

Two friends who haven’t seen each other since one of them got married got together for a beer.

“So how’s the married life treating you?” asked one. “Are you enjoying being married?”

“Nah, just thinking about a divorce actually,” came the reply.

“Why do you say so?” inquired the first.

“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market.”

“Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,” remarked the first one.

In response, the other married one smirked, “I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”

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Revenge

Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her purchases. “Cash, check or charge?” she asked, after folding the items Jennifer had bought.

As Jennifer fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

“Do you always carry your TV remote with you?” the cashier inquired.

“No,” she replied. “But my husband, Jeff, refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”

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Going to the Doctor

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, “Where are you going?”
He replies, “I’m going to the doctor.”
She says, “Why, are you sick?”
He says, “Nope, I’m going to get me some of that Viagra stuff they advertise.”
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, “Where the hell are you going”?
She answers, “I’m going to the doctor, too.”
He says, “Why, what do you need?”
She says, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m getting a tetanus shot.”

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Cheating Liar

Two friends are at a bar talking about their marriages. One says, “I decided to file for a divorce.”

The other responded, “Why are you getting a divorce?”

The first one answered, “My wife is a cheating liar.”

“How do you know that?” said the first one.

“Well, a few days ago, my wife wasn’t home the entire night and in the morning she said she spent the night at her sister’s house.”

“So?” came the response.

“So, she’s lying. I spent the night at her sister’s house!” said the first.

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How Many Women

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
“C’mon, tell me,” she asked for the thousandth time, “how many women have you slept with?”
“Baby,” he protested, “if I told you, you’d throw a fit.”
“No, I won’t,” she promised, “I just want to know where I fit in comparison.”
Since she promised over and over that she won’t get angry, her hubby finally agreed to tell her.
“Okay,” he said, “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven – then there’s you – nine, ten, 11, 12, 13…”

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