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Posts Tagged ‘marriage/relationship’

Unfaithful Father

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.”

After dinner, George’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she’s a wonderful wife and mother, but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.”

George was brokenhearted.

After few months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Diane said yes! We’re getting married in June.”

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Diane is your half sister too, George. I’m awfully sorry about this.”

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

“Mom, did you know dad was such a cheater? He has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.”

“Eh,” his mother sighted, shaking her head, “Don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”

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Improved Husband

Two friends who haven’t seen each other since one of them got married got together for a beer.

“So how’s the married life treating you?” asked one. “Are you enjoying being married?”

“Nah, just thinking about a divorce actually,” came the reply.

“Why do you say so?” inquired the first.

“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market.”

“Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,” remarked the first one.

In response, the other married one smirked, “I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”

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Revenge

Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her purchases. “Cash, check or charge?” she asked, after folding the items Jennifer had bought.

As Jennifer fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

“Do you always carry your TV remote with you?” the cashier inquired.

“No,” she replied. “But my husband, Jeff, refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”

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Going to the Doctor

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, “Where are you going?”
He replies, “I’m going to the doctor.”
She says, “Why, are you sick?”
He says, “Nope, I’m going to get me some of that Viagra stuff they advertise.”
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, “Where the hell are you going”?
She answers, “I’m going to the doctor, too.”
He says, “Why, what do you need?”
She says, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m getting a tetanus shot.”

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Cheating Liar

Two friends are at a bar talking about their marriages. One says, “I decided to file for a divorce.”

The other responded, “Why are you getting a divorce?”

The first one answered, “My wife is a cheating liar.”

“How do you know that?” said the first one.

“Well, a few days ago, my wife wasn’t home the entire night and in the morning she said she spent the night at her sister’s house.”

“So?” came the response.

“So, she’s lying. I spent the night at her sister’s house!” said the first.

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How Many Women

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
“C’mon, tell me,” she asked for the thousandth time, “how many women have you slept with?”
“Baby,” he protested, “if I told you, you’d throw a fit.”
“No, I won’t,” she promised, “I just want to know where I fit in comparison.”
Since she promised over and over that she won’t get angry, her hubby finally agreed to tell her.
“Okay,” he said, “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven – then there’s you – nine, ten, 11, 12, 13…”

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Return of a Sailor

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a newborn baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
“Was it my friend Sam?” he demanded.
“No!” his weeping wife replied.
“Was it my friend Jim then?” he asked.
“NO!!!” she said even more upset.
“Well which one of my no-good friends did this then?” he asked.
“Oh, don’t you think I have any friends of my own?” she snapped.

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Letter to a Company

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of praise and approval to the manufacturer.

Several weeks later, he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.

“Well, what did I tell you? They always send you free stuff when you write them a letter” his wife commented smiling.

Excited, the guy rushed to his desk, opened his computer and started typing something.

“What are you doing?” the wife inquired, “Dinner’s hot on the table.”

“I’m writing to General Motors!” exclaimed the guy.

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Happy Marriage

There once was a man and a woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They talked about everything. They kept no secrets from each other except that the old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open it or ask her about it.

For all these years he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would never recover. In trying to sort out their affairs the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it he found 2 beautifully crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling over $25,000. He asked her about the unusual contents.

“When we were married,” she said, ” my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily.”

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with joy and happiness.

“Sweetheart,” he said “that explains the doilies, but what about all this money? Where did it all come from?”

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the doilies.”

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50th Anniversary

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their Golden Wedding Anniversary.
“Let’s have a big party, Homer,” she suggested. “You’ll need to kill a pig.”
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. “Gee, Ethel,” he finally answered, “I don’t see why the pig should die for something that happened fifty years ago.”

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