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Posts Tagged ‘marriage/relationship’

Helping a Buddy

Gary and Dan were good friends dating back to their college years. One day, Gary noticed something clearly was bothering Dan so he took him out to a bar hoping to get him to open up about his worries. Gary matched Dan, drink for drink, trying to get him to talk about what was bothering him.

Gentle prodding did nothing and it wasn’t until after downing his ninth drink that Dan blurted out, “OK, it’s your wife.”

“My wife?” his friend demanded. “What about my wife?”

“I think she’s cheating on us.”

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Wife in Spain

A woman goes to Spain to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife asks, “What would you like me to bring for you?”
The husband laughs and says, “A hot Spanish girl!”
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up at the airport and asks, “So, honey, how was the trip?”
“Very good, thank you.”
“And, what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” she asked.
“The one I asked for – a hot Spanish girl!!”
“Oh, that,” she said. “Well, I did what I could; now we’ll have to wait for a few months to see if it is actually a girl!”

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Angry Call

An angry wife calls her husband who has missed dinner and yells, “Where the hell are you?”

The husband replies, “Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn’t have money that time, and I said ‘Baby it’ll be yours one day’?”

Wife, with a smile and blushing softens and says, “Yeah I remember that my love!”

Husband says, “I’m in the pub just next to that shop.”

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Unfaithful Wife

An old man asks his wife: “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that.. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he performed the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“Alright,” Martha said. “Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

Henry fainted…

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Husband’s Promotion

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, “Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!”
“Really?” he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says, “Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?”
The clerk replies, “Canned or frozen?”

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A Compliment

John and his wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

“You know love,” she says, “I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist and my bum is hanging out a mile. I’ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby.” She turns to John and says, “Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.”

He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice. . . .

“Well… there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

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Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish!”

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Fashion Sense

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in ‘fashion sense.’
The man walks up to him and says, ‘I didn’t know you were into earrings.’
‘Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,’ he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”
“Ever since my wife found it in my car.”

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Guess Which One

A young man excitedly tells his mother that he’s fallen in love and is going to get married.

He says, “Just for fun, Mom, I’m going to bring over three women and you try to guess which one I’m going to marry.” The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat with his mother for a while.

He then says, “OK, guess which one I’m going to marry.”

The mother immediately replies, “The one in the middle.”

“That’s amazing, Mom. You’re right. How did you know?”

His mother replies, “I don’t like her.”

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Help Cooking

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

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