Posts Tagged ‘little johnny’

Johnny’s Speech

When Little Johnny was about to graduate from high school, he was asked to give a speech to his fellow graduating classmates. To avoid getting off track or saying something inappropriate, as he was known for, he had index cards with his speech on them in his hand.

He got on the stage, took a look at the first index card, then at his classmates and began his speech. “Fellow graduates, I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life,” he told the audience. “She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice.”

At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said, “Sorry, but it’s really hard to read my mother’s handwriting.”

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Field Trip

An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station.

At the station, an officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells the children that these are the most dangerous and wanted fugitives in the USA.

Little Johnny looks at the wall of mugshots, points to a particularly scary looking individual and asks, “He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!”

The officer replies, “Yes!”

Little Boy asks “Well, why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

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The Ultimate Computer

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company’s production line. One day, a guided school tour arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. “This,” he said, “is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it. Would anyone like to try?”
Little Johnny quickly stepped forward and asked, “Where is my father?”
There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the answer appeared on the screen: “Fishing in Florida.”
Little Johnny laughed, “Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question.”
The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.
Little Johnny thought and said to the Ultimate Computer, “Where is my mother’s husband?” Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room.
After a moment, the screen lit up with an answer: “Dead. But your father is still fishing in Florida.”

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Grandma’s House

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
“Johnny, wait until we say our prayer,” his mother reminded him.
“I don’t have to,” the little boy replied.
“Of course you do,” his mother insisted, “we say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”

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Helping the Doctor

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so really far out and there was no electricity.
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
“Hit him again Doc, Hit him again!” the 5 yr. old said. “He shouldn’t have crawled up there in the first place!!”

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Daddy and Aunt Jane

Little Johnny runs to his mom yelling, “Mommy, Mommy. I was at the playground and I saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in Daddy’s car go into the woods.”

Johnny’s mom intrigued, asks him to continue with the story.

The boy goes on, “I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy…”

At this point Johnny’s mom cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

At the dinner table, mom asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat and “… then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy.”

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Johnny’s Hands

A teacher observed Little Johnny entering the classroom with very dirty hands. She stopped him and said, “Johnny, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?”

With a smile the boy replied, “I think I’d be too polite to mention it.”

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Johnny’s Mom

The teacher in Johnny’s school asked the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny’s turn, he stood up and said “My mom’s a prostitute!”

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal’s office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked “Did you tell the principal what you said in class?”

Johnny said, “Yes.”

“Well, what did the principal say?”

“He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number!”

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Word of the Day

Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class if anyone can use the word “beautiful” in a sentence. Little Johnny starts waving his hand in the air immediately.

The teacher calls on little Mary. Little Mary says, “The sunset last night was beautiful.” “Wonderful”, says the teacher. Next she calls on little Susie.

Little Susie says, “There are some beautiful flowers in front of the school.” “Terrific, little Susie”, says the teacher.

Finally she calls on Johnny. Little Johnny says, “My sister’s got beautiful tits!”

“Johnny!!!”, says the teacher in shock. “You can’t say that sort of thing in a classroom! Tonight you have to think up a sentence using the word “beautiful” in it twice and tomorrow morning you’ll tell it to the whole class.”

The next morning she makes Johnny come up to the front of the class to recite his sentence. Little Johnny says, “Last night my sister told daddy she was pregnant and daddy said, ‘Beautiful, just friggin’ beautiful.’”

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Ice Fishing

After church, little Johnny and his brother go ice fishing.

Little Johnny starts drilling on the ice when a voice from above says, “Young man, there’s no fish down there. Go home.”

Little Johnny asks his brother, “Who is that?”

His brother replies, “I don’t know.”

So little Johnny starts to drill again and the voice says again, “For the second time, there’s no fish down there. Go home.”

Little Johnny asks his brother, “Could that be God?”

His brother replies again, “I don’t know.”

Little Johnny starts drilling again and the voice says once more, “Young man, for the last time, I’m telling you there’s no fish down there. Go home.”

Johnny looks up and asks, “Is that you, God?”

The voice says, “No, I’m the manager and the rink’s closed.”

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