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Posts Tagged ‘little johnny’

Ambitions

A teacher in the kindergarten classroom asked her students: Who would you like to be when you grow up?

Little Molly said she wanted to be a ballerina. Little Tommy said he wanted to be a race car driver. Then Little Johnny raised his hand.

“Johnny, who do you want to be when you grow up?” asked the teacher.

“I want to be a garbageman,” he replied.

“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age, why a garbageman?” reflected the teacher.

“Because they only work on Tuesdays,” came a reply.

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Cuss Words

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.

“Johnny,” she said, “you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?”

“My daddy said it,” he responded proudly.

“Well, that doesn’t matter,” explained the teacher. “You don’t even know what it means.”

“I do, too!” Little Johnny retorted. “It means the car won’t start.”

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Sunday School

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he were ill, and said. “Johnny what is the matter?” Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

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Science Lesson

Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed them how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. 

A week later, the students are back in the science class with Mr. Smythe. Before he starts a new topic, he asks a question, “Who can tell me who I am? My name begins with the letter ‘M’ and I pick things up. Who am I?”

Before anyone could answer, Little Johnny shouted out, “You’re a mother?”

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Johnny’s Speech

When Little Johnny was about to graduate from high school, he was asked to give a speech to his fellow graduating classmates. To avoid getting off track or saying something inappropriate, as he was known for, he had index cards with his speech on them in his hand.

He got on the stage, took a look at the first index card, then at his classmates and began his speech. “Fellow graduates, I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life,” he told the audience. “She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice.”

At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said, “Sorry, but it’s really hard to read my mother’s handwriting.”

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Field Trip

An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station.

At the station, an officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells the children that these are the most dangerous and wanted fugitives in the USA.

Little Johnny looks at the wall of mugshots, points to a particularly scary looking individual and asks, “He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!”

The officer replies, “Yes!”

Little Boy asks “Well, why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

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The Ultimate Computer

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company’s production line. One day, a guided school tour arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. “This,” he said, “is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it. Would anyone like to try?”
Little Johnny quickly stepped forward and asked, “Where is my father?”
There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the answer appeared on the screen: “Fishing in Florida.”
Little Johnny laughed, “Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question.”
The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.
Little Johnny thought and said to the Ultimate Computer, “Where is my mother’s husband?” Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room.
After a moment, the screen lit up with an answer: “Dead. But your father is still fishing in Florida.”

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Grandma’s House

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
“Johnny, wait until we say our prayer,” his mother reminded him.
“I don’t have to,” the little boy replied.
“Of course you do,” his mother insisted, “we say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”

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Helping the Doctor

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so really far out and there was no electricity.
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
“Hit him again Doc, Hit him again!” the 5 yr. old said. “He shouldn’t have crawled up there in the first place!!”

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Daddy and Aunt Jane

Little Johnny runs to his mom yelling, “Mommy, Mommy. I was at the playground and I saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in Daddy’s car go into the woods.”

Johnny’s mom intrigued, asks him to continue with the story.

The boy goes on, “I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy…”

At this point Johnny’s mom cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

At the dinner table, mom asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat and “… then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy.”

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