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Posts Tagged ‘lawyers’

A Lawyer and A Drunk

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.

“Well,” said the drunk, “it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”

“Let me have it,” said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. “Yes,” he finally said, “it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don’t know what it is. Where did you get it?”

“Took it out of my nose a few minutes ago,” the drunk replied.

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Good and Bad News

“I have good news and bad news,” a defense attorney told his client who has been on trial without bail, “Which one would you like to hear first?”

“Give me the bad news first, I guess,” said the client.

“The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim’s dress,” replied the attorney.

“Oh, no, I’m ruined!” cried the client. “What’s the good news?”

“Your cholesterol is down to 140 so clearly the prison diet is good for you.”

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Settling a Case

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, “You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”

The old rancher replied, “Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.”

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Corrupt Juror

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client’s jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state. One carried a penalty of 15 years while the other was a life sentence.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.

When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

“Sure did,” the juror replied, “the other eleven wanted to acquit.”

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Deathbed Summons

A preacher on his deathbed summoned his doctor and his lawyer. They came, and he asked them to sit on either side of his bed and hold his hands.

They sat thus for a long while until the doctor stirred and said, “You don’t have long on this earth, Reverend. Can you tell us why you asked us to come?”

The old preacher stirred himself wheezed and said, “Well, Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s the way I want to go too.”

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Honest Lawyer

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.

“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.”

She leaned forward.

“Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?”

“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”

“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”

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Time for a Divorce

A traveling salesman is meeting up with his friend who is a lawyer and says, “I think it’s time for a divorce.”

His friend is shocked and replies, “Why do you feel that way?”

“Well, I am pretty sure Mary is cheating on me.” said the salesman.

Becoming more serious, his lawyer friend replied “Can you describe the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife’s fidelity?”

“Well, I’m pretty much on the road all week,” the man started, “so naturally when I am home, I’m attentive to Mary. One Sunday morning,” he continued, “we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, ‘Can’t you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?’”

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Feeling of Remorse

After her conviction of murder in the second degree, the District Attorney, during the sentencing hearing said to the defendant, “Mrs. Packard, after you put the arsenic in the stew and served it to your husband, didn’t you feel even a little remorse for what you were doing?”
“I did,” the defendant calmly.
“And when was that?” quipped the D.A.
“When he asked for seconds!” came the reply.

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Will Reading

A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.

“To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,” the attorney reads.

“To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.”

“And finally,” the lawyer concludes, “to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!”

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Arrogant Defendant

A defendant isn’t happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.

Judge: “Where do you work?”

Defendant: “Here and there.”

Judge: “What do you do for a living?”

Defendant: “This and that.”

Judge: “Take him away.”

Defendant: “Wait! When will I get out?”

Judge: “Sooner or later.”

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