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Posts Tagged ‘kids’

Scared of the Dark

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.”

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?”

“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?”

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Field Trip

An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station.

At the station, an officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells the children that these are the most dangerous and wanted fugitives in the USA.

Little Johnny looks at the wall of mugshots, points to a particularly scary looking individual and asks, “He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!”

The officer replies, “Yes!”

Little Boy asks “Well, why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

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Helpful Nephew

I walked into my sister’s kitchen and found my nephew having a snack.
“Where’s your mother?” I asked.
“She is upstairs, said she was going to take a shower.” came the reply
“Do you know how long it’s been? I need to ask her an urgent question.” I asked.
He stepped into the nearby bathroom and flushed the toilet. A second later a sharp yell came from upstairs.
My nephew walked back out and said, “Won’t be too long now.”

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Dental Visit

A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but no re-sponse. After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check.

The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well: “How old are you?” No response. The dentist then asked: “Don’t you know how old you are?” Immediately four tiny fingers went up.

“Oh,” replied the dentist, “and do you know how old that is?” Four little fingers went up once again. Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked: “Can you talk?”

The solemn little patient looked at him and asked: “Yes! And can you count?”

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Big People Words

A group of four-year-olds were trying very hard to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
“You need to use ‘Big People’ words,” she was always reminding them. “John what did… you do over the weekend?”
“I went to visit my Nana.”
“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People’ words!” She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
“I took a ride on a choo-choo.”
“No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words,” she said. She then asked little Alex what he had done.
“I read a book,” he replied.
“That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”
Alex thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, “Winnie the SHIT.”

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Punishment

A teenage son comes to his father and with a smirk on his face says, “Dad, remember when I was younger, and you saw me kill a butterfly and you told me ‘No butter for a week.’”

“Yeah,” said the father.

“And remember when you saw me kill a honeybee later?” continued the son.

“Yes, no honey for a week for that” said the father with a smile.

“Well, I just saw mom kill a cockroach. Will you tell her or do you want me to break it to her?”

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Lost Boots

At the end of one cold winter day, when all the other children were leaving, the teacher found one little kid crying, so she asked him what was wrong.

He sobbed, “I can’t find my boots.”

The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots. “Are these yours?”

“No, they’re not mine,” said the little boy, shaking his head.

The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots.

Finally, the teacher gave up, “Are you sure those boots are not yours?”

“I’m sure,” the boy sobbed, “mine had snow on them.”

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At the Pharmacy

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, ‘Son, how old are you?’
‘Eight’, the boy replied.
The man continued, ‘Do you know what these are used for?’
The boy replied, ‘Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four.”
“Oh, really?” the pharmacist replied with a grin.
“Yes.” the boy said. “We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do none of those.”

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Rocky

One Halloween, a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as “Rocky” in boxing gloves and satin shorts.

Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.

“Aren’t you the same ‘Rocky’ who left my doorstep several minutes ago?” I asked.

“Yes,” he replied, “but now I’m the sequel. I’ll be back three more times tonight too.”


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Sibling Lessons

Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.

“Sure you can, Mickey,” Charlie said, “Just flap your arms really *really* hard.”

So Mickey climbed up on the shelf, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed down on the floor making great noise.

Horrified by the noise and cries that ensued, their mother came screaming into the room and said, “What the heck happened?!?”

Charlie said, “I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything someone tells him.”

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