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Posts Tagged ‘kids’

Biology Assignment

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, “How was I born?”
“Well honey…” said the slightly prudish parent. “The stork brought you to us.”
“Ohh…” said the boy. “Well, how did you and daddy get born?” he asked.
“Oh, your grandparents found us under a rock.”
“Well how were grandpa and grandma born?” he persisted.
“Well darling, they were found under a cabbage leaf,” said the parent.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: “This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”

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Fertilizer

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, “What have you got in your truck?”

“Fertilizer,” the farmer replied.

“What are you going to do with it?” asked the little boy.

“Put it on strawberries,” answered the farmer.

“You ought to live here,” the little boy advised him. “We put sugar and cream on ours.”

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Basketball Fan

A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t excited about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?”

“Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student.

“Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were complete fools? What would you be then?”

“Then I’d be a football fan.”

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Late for School

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible School. As she ran, she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!”

As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and scraping her knee.

She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. Again, she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!…But don’t shove me either!”

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Cuss Words

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.

“Johnny,” she said, “you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?”

“My daddy said it,” he responded proudly.

“Well, that doesn’t matter,” explained the teacher. “You don’t even know what it means.”

“I do, too!” Little Johnny retorted. “It means the car won’t start.”

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A Trick

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment – shave, shampoo, haircut, etc., he placed the boy in the chair.
“I’m goin’ to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,” he said. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
When the boy’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said, “Looks like your daddy’s forgotten all about you.”
“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy. “He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, ‘Come on, son, we’re gonna get a free haircut!’”

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Dad’s Birthday

On his birthday, my husband was stuck driving our six rambunctious children around to their activities. As usual, they were yelling, punching, and annoying one another. Joel finally had had enough. He pulled over and addressed the kids.

“Kids,” he said, “if you would behave and be kind to each other, that would be a very nice birthday present for me.”

Our six-year-old smarty pants shot back, “Too late dad, we already got you another present.”

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Tooth Fairy

A mom was playing “tooth fairy” and putting money under her little daughter’s pillow when the child awoke and caught her in the act.

The mom froze, wondering how to explain to her tot that she was, in fact, the tooth fairy. But she was spared the trouble.

“You put that money back!” her daughter said indignantly. “The tooth fairy left that for me!”

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Bass Lessons

A father was buying bass lessons for his son. After the 1st week the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, “On my 1st lesson we learned about the E string.”

The 2nd week came and after the lesson the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, “On the 2nd lesson I learned about the A string.”

The 3rd week came by and the father said to his son, “You know these are expensive lessons, what have you learned this week?”

The son said, “I quit the lessons, I already got a gig.”

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Fire Dog

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog’s duties.

“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.

“No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.”

A third child brought the argument to a close with this comment: “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”

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