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Posts Tagged ‘kids’

Afraid of the Dark

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.”

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?”

“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?”

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Aunt Mildred

A small boy turned to his Aunt Mildred and said: “My God, you’re ugly!”

His mother overheard the remark and was appalled. She took him aside and gave him a real telling-off before ordering him to go back out to say sorry to Aunt Mildred.

Suitably chastened, the boy went over and said quietly: “Aunt Mildred, I’m sorry you’re so ugly.”

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Quick Acting

While eating a juicy pickle at the kitchen counter, a three-year-old girl stuck out her hand toward her mom and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.”

Shocked, her mom thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap.

After sitting her down to finish her pickle, the mom asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?”

Between bites, the girl replied, “I hit it with my pickle.”

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When I Grow Up

After a church service on Sunday morning, a six year old boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, when I grow up I want to be a priest.”

“That’s great,” she said, “but what made you decide that?”

“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit down and listen.”

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Fire Engine

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.

“That sure is a nice fire truck,” the fire fighter says with admiration.

“Thanks,” says the little boy.

As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.

“Little partner,” the fire fighter says, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.”

The little boy says, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”

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Daddy’s Calling

A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, “Hi, Daddy!” and she began telling him about her day.

She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.

When it was finally the wife’s turn to talk she took the receiver and said, “Hi, honey.”

“Thank goodness, lady,” the voice on the other end replied. “I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!”

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Chatty Sally

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school.

Her marks were good, mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: “Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.”

Sally’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: “Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother.”

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Biology Assignment

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, “How was I born?”
“Well honey…” said the slightly prudish parent. “The stork brought you to us.”
“Ohh…” said the boy. “Well, how did you and daddy get born?” he asked.
“Oh, your grandparents found us under a rock.”
“Well how were grandpa and grandma born?” he persisted.
“Well darling, they were found under a cabbage leaf,” said the parent.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: “This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”

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Fertilizer

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, “What have you got in your truck?”

“Fertilizer,” the farmer replied.

“What are you going to do with it?” asked the little boy.

“Put it on strawberries,” answered the farmer.

“You ought to live here,” the little boy advised him. “We put sugar and cream on ours.”

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Basketball Fan

A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t excited about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?”

“Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student.

“Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were complete fools? What would you be then?”

“Then I’d be a football fan.”

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