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Posts Tagged ‘kids’

Swatting Flies

Two friends, Joe and Charlie, are playing in the playground, hanging off monkey bars and constantly having to swat at the flies that buzz around the playground.

At one point, Charlie hits one and kills it. He says proudly, “Did you see that?”

Joe replies, “That’s nothing, I killed 5 flies yesterday at home, 3 males and 2 females.”

“How could you tell them apart?” asks Charlie.

Joe smirks and says, “Easy – the 3 males were sitting on a case of beer, and the 2 females were on the phone.”

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Empty Stomach

Young Mia, only four years old, returned home from her school complaining, ‘Mummy, I’ve got a stomach ache.’

‘That’s because your stomach is empty,’ Sarah, her mother replied kindly. ‘You’ll feel better when you have something in it.’

She made Mia a small snack and sure enough, Mia felt better immediately.

Later that afternoon Mia’s class tutor dropped by to see Sarah. While she was chatting with Mia’s mum, she mentioned she’d had a bad headache all day long.

Mia perked up straightaway and announced to her teacher, ‘That’s because it’s empty. You’d feel better if you had something in it!’

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Kids in a Hospital

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”

The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

The first kid says, “A circumcision.”

And the second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born… Couldn’t walk for a year.

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Feeding a Baby

The first-time dad was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food all over the baby.

Half way through the jar, the dad thought there must be a better way to do this, one where more food will end up inside the baby’s mouth.

His wife came in, looked at the infant, then at her husband, who is just staring off into space and says, “What in the world are you doing?”

The husband replied, “I thought it was obvious. I’m waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another.”

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Dog in Heat

A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”

Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”

“What’s that mean?” asked the child.

“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”

The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”

Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.” He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it and said, “Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block.”

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”

The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”

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What is Sex?

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, “Mom, what’s sex?”

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject in as simple language as she could.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form for a fall camp which he had brought home from school and said, “Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?”

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Anger and Exasperation

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial”.

“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch….”

The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.

“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.”

He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!”

The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”

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Sunday School

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he were ill, and said. “Johnny what is the matter?” Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

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Glass of Water

A small boy is sent to bed by his mother.
[Five minutes later]
“Mom…”
“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
[Five minutes later]
“Mom…”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY… Can I have a glass of water?”
“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!”
[Five minutes later]
“Mom…”
“WHAT??!!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?”

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Science Lesson

Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed them how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. 

A week later, the students are back in the science class with Mr. Smythe. Before he starts a new topic, he asks a question, “Who can tell me who I am? My name begins with the letter ‘M’ and I pick things up. Who am I?”

Before anyone could answer, Little Johnny shouted out, “You’re a mother?”

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