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Posts Tagged ‘kids’

A Trick

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment – shave, shampoo, haircut, etc., he placed the boy in the chair.
“I’m goin’ to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,” he said. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
When the boy’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said, “Looks like your daddy’s forgotten all about you.”
“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy. “He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, ‘Come on, son, we’re gonna get a free haircut!’”

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Dad’s Birthday

On his birthday, my husband was stuck driving our six rambunctious children around to their activities. As usual, they were yelling, punching, and annoying one another. Joel finally had had enough. He pulled over and addressed the kids.

“Kids,” he said, “if you would behave and be kind to each other, that would be a very nice birthday present for me.”

Our six-year-old smarty pants shot back, “Too late dad, we already got you another present.”

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Tooth Fairy

A mom was playing “tooth fairy” and putting money under her little daughter’s pillow when the child awoke and caught her in the act.

The mom froze, wondering how to explain to her tot that she was, in fact, the tooth fairy. But she was spared the trouble.

“You put that money back!” her daughter said indignantly. “The tooth fairy left that for me!”

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Bass Lessons

A father was buying bass lessons for his son. After the 1st week the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, “On my 1st lesson we learned about the E string.”

The 2nd week came and after the lesson the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, “On the 2nd lesson I learned about the A string.”

The 3rd week came by and the father said to his son, “You know these are expensive lessons, what have you learned this week?”

The son said, “I quit the lessons, I already got a gig.”

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Fire Dog

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog’s duties.

“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.

“No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.”

A third child brought the argument to a close with this comment: “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”

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Mom’s Evening Out

One evening after dinner, my five-year-old son Brian noticed that his mother had gone out. In answer to his questions, I told him, “Mommy is at a Tupperware party.”

This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, “What’s a Tupperware party, Dad?”

I’ve always given my son honest answers, so I figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. “Well, Brian,” I said, “at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other.”

Brian nodded, indicating that he understood. Then he burst into laughter. “Come on, Dad,” he said. “What is it really?”

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Three Little Pigs

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, “and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, “Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?”

The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that man said?”

One little boy raised his hand and said, “I think he said ‘Holy crap! A talking pig!’”

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Swatting Flies

Two friends, Joe and Charlie, are playing in the playground, hanging off monkey bars and constantly having to swat at the flies that buzz around the playground.

At one point, Charlie hits one and kills it. He says proudly, “Did you see that?”

Joe replies, “That’s nothing, I killed 5 flies yesterday at home, 3 males and 2 females.”

“How could you tell them apart?” asks Charlie.

Joe smirks and says, “Easy – the 3 males were sitting on a case of beer, and the 2 females were on the phone.”

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Empty Stomach

Young Mia, only four years old, returned home from her school complaining, ‘Mummy, I’ve got a stomach ache.’

‘That’s because your stomach is empty,’ Sarah, her mother replied kindly. ‘You’ll feel better when you have something in it.’

She made Mia a small snack and sure enough, Mia felt better immediately.

Later that afternoon Mia’s class tutor dropped by to see Sarah. While she was chatting with Mia’s mum, she mentioned she’d had a bad headache all day long.

Mia perked up straightaway and announced to her teacher, ‘That’s because it’s empty. You’d feel better if you had something in it!’

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Kids in a Hospital

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”

The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

The first kid says, “A circumcision.”

And the second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born… Couldn’t walk for a year.

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