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Posts Tagged ‘health’

What’s Wrong With Me

A man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”

“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

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Worried Sick

An elderly woman in her nineties had a visitor from her church come to see her at the nursing home.

“How are you?” the visitor asked.

“Oh,” said the elderly woman, “I’m just worried sick!”

“You look like you’re in good health. They take good care of you here, don’t they?”

“Oh, yes, they take good care of me here.”

“Do you have any pain?” the visitor asked.

“No, I can’t say I do,” the elderly woman replied.

“Then what has you worried sick?” the visitor asked.

The elderly woman leaned in and explained, “All of my closest friends have already died and gone to heaven. I’m sure they are all wondering where I went!”

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Minor Injury

A woman with a minor injury was at the hospital because her doctor said she wanted to take a closer look at it to make sure everything was all right. The woman’s husband sits patiently in the waiting room.

After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.

Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room, this time asking for a screwdriver. The husband grows worried and begins to pace in circles.

Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer and at that, the husband, in a state of frenzied fear, runs up and asks, “Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?”

“I don’t know yet,” replies the flustered doctor, “I can’t get my damn bag open.”

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Medical Concerns

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?

“In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I have sex with my wife, I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.”

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?”

“Oh that crazy old fart,” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August”

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Wellness Check

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breastfed or bottle-fed.

“Breastfed”, she replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist.” The doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”

“I know”, she said, “I am his Grandma.”

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Alternative Treatment

After a lunch break, a pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.

“What’s wrong with him?” he asked his assistant.

“He came in for cough syrup but I couldn’t find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives.”

”You idiot” said the pharmacist, “you can’t treat a cough with laxatives”

“Of course u can” the assistant replied. “Look at him, he’s too scared to cough now.”

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Nurse Nancy

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. “She’s incredibly mixed up,” said one doctor. “She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!”

The second doctor said, “That’s nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!”

Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. “Oh my God!” said the first doctor, “I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”

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Bad Temper

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s temper.  She says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me.”

The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth closed that does the trick.”

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Tennis Elbow

A man complained to his friend “My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor.”

“Don’t do that,” volunteered his friend “there’s a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment.”

The man figured he had nothing to lose so he took a sample of urine down to the drug store. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited the $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks

That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he added something special from himself.

He took this concoction down to the drug store, poured it in the machine, and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:

Your tap water has lead, get a filter.
Your dog has worms, give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs, get her into rehab.
Your wife is pregnant, it’s not your baby.
And if you don’t stop masturbating, your tennis elbow will never get better.

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Sleep Aid

The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she has a prescription for birth control pills.

“Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?!?”

“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”

“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!”

She reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee. “Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks, and believe me, it helps me sleep at night!”

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