Posts Tagged ‘health’
Oly was working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally sliced off all ten of his fingers.
He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor who examines him is really disturbed at such a tragedy. “Oh, yuck! Well, that’s all right, Oly, give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do for you.”
“I haven’t got the fingers,” Oly said, gasping through his pain.
The doctor said, “What do you mean, you haven’t got the fingers? It’s 2017. We’ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have reattached the fingers. You’d be as good as new! Why didn’t you bring the fingers?”
“Well, geez, Doc,” Oly groaned, I couldn’t pick ‘em up.”Rate This Post :
Mr. Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While he is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which he was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.
He is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.
“Hey, pal! Why don’t you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and use them to replace the missing ones? That’ll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something.”
Mr. Jones is startled by the patient’s seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. “You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?”
The patient smiles and says, “I’m in here because I’m crazy, not because I’m stupid.”
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
“Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret to my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
He replied, “Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”
The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month’s to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his ‘house in order’ , make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.
“What will you do for the last six months?” asked the Doctor.
His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, “I think I’ll go and live with my Mother-in-law.”
Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, “Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?”
“Because it’ll be the longest six months of my Life!”
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.
Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.” As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.
Encouraged by this success, he tries the next level of the weight loss plan – guaranteed loss of 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.
Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program – a minimum of 25 pounds guaranteed. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up.
The next morning, waiting at the door is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!”Rate This Post :
Three nurses arrive at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asks the first why he should admit her. She replies that she has been an emergency room nurse and has saved thousands and thousands of lives.
“Okay,” he says, “Come on in!”
The second reports that he has been an ICU nurse and he, too, has saved thousands and thousands of lives. St. Peter lets him in, too.
St. Peter asks the third nurse the same question.
She replies that she has been a managed care nurse and has saved thousands and thousands of dollars for the insurance company.
St. Peter replies, “Okay, come on in, but you can only stay three days.”Rate This Post :
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.
“Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.” said the husband.
“Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply, move about five feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness.”
Sure enough, the husband went home and did exactly as instructed. He started off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she was chopping some vegetables and said,”Honey, what’s for dinner?” He heard no response so he moved about five feet closer and asked again. No reply. He moved five feet closer. Still no reply. He got fed up and moved right behind her, about an inch away, and asked again, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Annoyed, the wife replied, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”
Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a train.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Well… The bad news first…
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news?
Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your designer shoes.Rate This Post :
An old man of 87 went to the hospital to get a radical new surgical procedure done where they stretch the skin and pull all the wrinkles up onto the top of the scalp making you appear years younger.
On his way out of the hospital, he met an old friend who didn’t recognize him at first.
“Rob, is that really you?” said the friend. “You look years younger. I didn’t know you had a dimple in your chin.”
“It’s not a dimple, it’s my belly button” said the old man and his friend laughed.
“If you think that’s funny, take a look at what I’m wearing for a tie!”Rate This Post :
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. After a short nap, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re cute!”
The wife was disappointed. She asked her husband’s doctor, “When my husband first woke up, he called me beautiful, but just a minute ago, he woke up again and called me cute. What happened to ‘beautiful’?”
The doctor replied, “The drugs are wearing off.”