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Posts Tagged ‘doctor’

Big Decision

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, “You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?”

“Well,” he said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”

“That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”

“Yeah, and they’re in favor 15 to 2.”

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Paddy’s Son

Paddy was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor’s every move, he asked, “What’s that?”
The doctor explained, “This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won’t know a thing.”
“Save your time, Doc,” exclaimed Paddy. “He don’t know nothing now.”

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Doctor’s Office

I walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked me what I had. I said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down my name, address, medical insurance number and told me to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked me what I had.
I said, ‘Shingles’ So she wrote down my height, weight, a complete medical history and told me to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked me what I had. I said, ‘Shingles…’ So the nurse gave me a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told me to take off all my clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found me sitting patiently in the nude and asked me what I had.
I said, ‘Shingles.’ The doctor asked, ‘Where?’
I said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ‘em??’

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Wrong Part

Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge.
He said: “Get undressed, Mrs. Cohn, and lie down on the examining table.”
She did, whereupon the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to examine her private parts.
After a couple of minutes he asked: “How does that feel?”
“Wonderful,” she replied, “But the discharge is from the ear.”

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Wife’s Condition

A man comes to the therapist with his wife and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help us. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”
The wife clucks and starts pecking at the couch.
The doctor asks with wide eyes, “How long has she had this condition?”
“Two years,” says the man.
“What? Two years? Why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, “We needed the eggs.”

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Cured

A woman went to doctor’s office for her annual examination.

Suddenly, another older doctor noticed her burst out of the examination room, screaming as she ran down the hall. He stopped the hysterical woman and asked her to sit down and relax. Then, he asked her what she was so upset about.

A few minutes later, the older doctor marched back to the woman’s doctor and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children, and seven grandchildren… and you told her she was pregnant?”

The woman’s doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard, “Cured her chronic hiccups though, didn’t I?”

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Oldest Profession

A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions. Each one of them thought they had this in the bag.
The physician said, “Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.”
The engineer replied, “But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.”
Then, the politician spoke up. “Yes yes, this is all well and true,” he said, “but who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?”

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Doctor and Toddler

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, “Do you think I’ll find Big Bird in here?”

The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, “Do you think I’ll find the Cookie Monster down there?”

Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, “Do you think I’ll hear Barney in there?”

Feeling bad for the doctor, who was really trying, the girl said politely, “Oh no, Jesus is in my heart, but Barney’s on my underpants!”

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Lottery Win

Grandma was nearly ninety years of age when she won $1,000,000 in lottery. Her family were extremely worried about her heart and feared that news of her large win would come as too much of a shock for her.
“Think we had better call in the doctor to tell her the news,” suggested the eldest son.
The doctor soon arrived and the situation was explained to him.
“Now, you don’t have to worry about anything,” said the doctor. “I am fully trained in such delicate matters and I feel sure I can break this news to her gently. I assure you, there is absolutely no need for you to fear for her health.”
The doctor went in to see the old lady and gradually brought the conversation around the lottery.
“Tell me,” said the doctor, “what would you do if you had a large win – say one million dollars?”
“Why,” replied the old lady, “I’d give half of it to you, of course.”

The doctor fell down dead with shock.

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Lumberjack

Oly was working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally sliced off all ten of his fingers.

He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor who examines him is really disturbed at such a tragedy. “Oh, yuck! Well, that’s all right, Oly, give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do for you.”

“I haven’t got the fingers,” Oly said, gasping through his pain.

The doctor said, “What do you mean, you haven’t got the fingers? It’s 2017. We’ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have reattached the fingers. You’d be as good as new! Why didn’t you bring the fingers?”

“Well, geez, Doc,” Oly groaned, I couldn’t pick ‘em up.”

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