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Posts Tagged ‘death’

Have Faith

A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.

“HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?” he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

“I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me.”

“Yes, yes, I trust you!” cried the man.

“Let go of the branch,” boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, “IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?”

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Three Sinners at the Gates

An alcoholic, a nymphomaniac, and a stoner all die and are going to Heaven.

When they get to the Pearly Gates, Peter completely loses him temper. He says, “I’m so sick of you sinners being allowed in just because you went to church every Sunday. So, here’s what we’re going to do; we’re going to see if you guys deserve to be in Heaven. I’m going to lock you each in your own room with your vice. If you can be in there for a year without touching it, I’ll let you in.”

So, he sets the alcoholic up with a room that stretches as far as the eye can see, and it’s all shelves of the finest liquors ever made. He sets the nympho up with a room that is full of beautiful, flirty virgins, and there’s even a heart-shaped bed. Lastly, the stoner is set up with a room that has a never-ending supply of the best smelling weeds.

A year goes by and he checks on the alcoholic.The guy is passed out on the floor, ever drop drank. He is sent to hell. Peter checks on the nympho, every girl in the room is exhausted from sex. The guy is sent to hell. Checks on the stoner, and the guy is just sitting in the room, sober as can be, none of the weed has been touched.

Peter says, “Of all three of you guys, you were the one I least expected to be able to succeed. How did you do it?”

Giddy, the stoner asks, “Got a light?”

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Afterlife

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, “John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?”
A ghostly voice answered her, “Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.”
Martha tearfully asked, “Oh John, what is it like where you are?”
“It’s beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.”
“What do you do all day?” asked Martha.
“Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there’s nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m.”
Martha was somewhat taken aback. “Is that what heaven really is like?”
“Heaven? I’m not in heaven, Martha.”
“Well, then, where are you?”
“I’m a rabbit in Arizona.”

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Rich Man in Heaven

A wealthy man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold.

They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street. Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little shack.

“This belongs to you,” said Saint Peter.

“Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded.

“We did the best we could with the money you sent your church!” Saint Peter replied.

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Tough Choice

One day while walking downtown, a Human Resources woman was hit by a bus and was tragically killed. Her soul arrived up the Pearly Gates where she met St. Peter.

“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had an HR manager make it this far. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in,” the Saint said.

“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind… I prefer to stay in Heaven.”

“Sorry, we have our rules…”

And with that St. Peter put the HR manager in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell. The doors opened and the HR manager found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends from the industry. They played a round of golf and, at night, enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She even met Devil himself who appeared to be really nice. She had a great time, but before she knew it, it was time to leave. She got on the elevator and went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for her.

“Now it’s time to spend a day in Heaven” he said. So the HR manager spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it, her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

“So, you’ve spent a day in Hell and you’ve spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,” he said.

The HR manager paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I think I had a better time in Hell.”

So, St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the HR manager went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks for the evening meal. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her and laughed at her.

“I don’t understand,” stammered the HR manager. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”

The Devil looked at her and grinned: “That’s because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you’re staff.”

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Deathbed Summons

A preacher on his deathbed summoned his doctor and his lawyer. They came, and he asked them to sit on either side of his bed and hold his hands.

They sat thus for a long while until the doctor stirred and said, “You don’t have long on this earth, Reverend. Can you tell us why you asked us to come?”

The old preacher stirred himself wheezed and said, “Well, Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s the way I want to go too.”

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Final Arrangements

A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She wrote her will and made her final arrangements. As part of these arrangements she met with her rabbi to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomindgales.

“Bloomingdales!” the rabbi said. “Why Bloomingdales?”

“That way, I know my daughters will visit me at least twice a week.”

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Pearly Gates Test

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the Pearly Gates of Heaven, with St. Peter and the Devil standing nearby.

“Gentlemen,” the Devil started, “Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you’ll come with me to Hell.”

The philosopher then stepped up, “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ teachings.” With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked,”Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!” With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair!” The Devil brought forward a chair. “Drill 7 holes on the seat.” The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from?” The Devil inspected the seat and said, “The third hole from the right.”
“Wrong,” said the idiot, “from my butt hole.” And the idiot went to Heaven.

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Message From Beyond

A spiritualist who had recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly that she had just received a message from her dead husband asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes.

“The only thing is,” she mused, “that I don’t know where to send them.”

“Why not?” asked her friend.

“Well, he didn’t actually say that he was in Heaven, but I can’t imagine he’d be in Hell. He was a good man after all.”

“Hmmm,” responded the friend. “I wouldn’t be so sure. He didn’t ask to include matched in the package, did he?”

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Christmas Accident

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas or they will be rejected.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a nut cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of woman’s underwear. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, “How do these represent Christmas?”

The man answers, “They’re Carol’s.”

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