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Posts Tagged ‘death’

Deathbed Summons

A preacher on his deathbed summoned his doctor and his lawyer. They came, and he asked them to sit on either side of his bed and hold his hands.

They sat thus for a long while until the doctor stirred and said, “You don’t have long on this earth, Reverend. Can you tell us why you asked us to come?”

The old preacher stirred himself wheezed and said, “Well, Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s the way I want to go too.”

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Final Arrangements

A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She wrote her will and made her final arrangements. As part of these arrangements she met with her rabbi to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomindgales.

“Bloomingdales!” the rabbi said. “Why Bloomingdales?”

“That way, I know my daughters will visit me at least twice a week.”

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Pearly Gates Test

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the Pearly Gates of Heaven, with St. Peter and the Devil standing nearby.

“Gentlemen,” the Devil started, “Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you’ll come with me to Hell.”

The philosopher then stepped up, “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ teachings.” With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked,”Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!” With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair!” The Devil brought forward a chair. “Drill 7 holes on the seat.” The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from?” The Devil inspected the seat and said, “The third hole from the right.”
“Wrong,” said the idiot, “from my butt hole.” And the idiot went to Heaven.

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Message From Beyond

A spiritualist who had recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly that she had just received a message from her dead husband asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes.

“The only thing is,” she mused, “that I don’t know where to send them.”

“Why not?” asked her friend.

“Well, he didn’t actually say that he was in Heaven, but I can’t imagine he’d be in Hell. He was a good man after all.”

“Hmmm,” responded the friend. “I wouldn’t be so sure. He didn’t ask to include matched in the package, did he?”

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Christmas Accident

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas or they will be rejected.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a nut cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of woman’s underwear. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, “How do these represent Christmas?”

The man answers, “They’re Carol’s.”

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Denounce the Devil

The Priest was preparing a man for his long day’s journey into night. Whispering firmly, the Priest said, “Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him!”

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order.

Still the man said nothing.

The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”

The dying man said, “Until I know for sure where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”

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New Admission Rules

A man dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly Gates.

The Angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip into Heaven without being detected.

He queries the first candidate:”What was your annual salary, and what was your profession? “I made $150,000 as an Attorney” comes the reply. “You may enter” says the Angel.

Second candidate, same question. “I made $95,000, I was a realtor.” He is also permitted to enter. Now it is the third man’s turn.

“My annual salary was $8,000.” “Cool!” replies the Angel, “and what instrument did you play?”

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Feeling of Remorse

After her conviction of murder in the second degree, the District Attorney, during the sentencing hearing said to the defendant, “Mrs. Packard, after you put the arsenic in the stew and served it to your husband, didn’t you feel even a little remorse for what you were doing?”
“I did,” the defendant calmly.
“And when was that?” quipped the D.A.
“When he asked for seconds!” came the reply.

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Rich Man in Heaven

A wealthy man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold.

They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street. Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little shack.

“This belongs to you,” said Saint Peter.

“Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded.

“We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied

 

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Code Word to Heaven

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her.

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word,” Saint Peter told her.

“Which word?” the woman asked.

“Love.” The woman correctly spelled love, and Saint Peter welcomed her into heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

“I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”

“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word,” the woman told him.

“Which word?” her husband asked.

“Czechoslovakia.”

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