Advertisement
Advertisement
 

Posts Tagged ‘crazy’

Mental Patient

Mr. Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While he is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which he was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.
He is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.
“Hey, pal! Why don’t you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and use them to replace the missing ones? That’ll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something.”
Mr. Jones is startled by the patient’s seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. “You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?”
The patient smiles and says, “I’m in here because I’m crazy, not because I’m stupid.”

Rate This Post :

Mental Hospital

A visitor at a mental hospital asks the director what the criteria are for defining whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the doctor, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket as it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” replied the director. “A normal person would pull the drain plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?”

Rate This Post :

Good Thinking

A doctor of psychiatry is doing his normal morning rounds at the hospital when he enters the ward.

He finds Arnold sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Meanwhile Mark is hanging from the ceiling by his feet.

The consultant asks Arnold what he’s doing. Arnold smiles and answers, ‘Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?’

The consultant nods and continues talking to Arnold and ask what Mark is doing on the ceiling. Arnold looks up and murmurs, ‘Oh, he’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a light bulb.’

The consultant looks up and notices that Mark’s face is turning red and blue.

The consultant remonstrates with Arnold and says, ‘If he’s your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself.’

Arnold replies with a sigh, ‘What? And work in the dark.’

Rate This Post :

Mean Old Man

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?” The wife put down her drink and said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down and I know he won’t stop and ask for directions!”

Rate This Post :

Patients in a Mental Hospital

Anthony and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and Anthony suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling Anthony out.

The medical director came to know of David’s heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK.

The doctor met with David and said, “We have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all.”

David replied, “Doctor, John didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry.”

Rate This Post :

The Genie

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses.

On the third tee, the husband said, “Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don’t knock out any windows. It’ll cost us a fortune to fix.”

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, “I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let’s go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost.”

They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, “Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, “Are you the people who broke my window?”

“Uh, yeah. Sorry about that,” the husband replied.

“No, actually, I want to thank you. I’m a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You’ve released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes — I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.”

“Okay, great!” the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”

“No problem — it’s the least I could do. And you, what do you want?” the genie said, looking at the wife.

“I want a house in every country of the world,” she said.

“Consider it done,” the genie replied.

“And what’s your wish, genie?”, the husband said.

“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”

The husband looked at the wife and said, “Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don’t care.”

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, “How old is your husband, anyway?”

“Thirty-five,” she replied.

“And he still believes in genies? … That’s amazing.”

Rate This Post :

Poaching Lobsters

A poor man was poaching lobsters at the beach. A game wardon, his first day on the job, saw him and said: “I’m going to have to arrest you. Poaching is illegal.” “I’m not poaching lobsters.” the man said. “These are my pets. “I’m excercising them. I Throw them into the sea, then whistle, and they come back.”

“Show me,” the warden said in disbelief. The man threw the lobsters into the water and started to walk away. “Wait!” the warden shouted. “Don’t you have to whistle to call the lobsters back?” The man looked at the warden, paused, and said, “What lobsters?”

Rate This Post :

Making Progress

A psychiatrist congratulated his patient on making such good progress.

“You call this progress?” snapped the patient. “Six months ago, I was Abraham Lincoln. Now I’m nobody!”

Rate This Post :

Scared Sleepless

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”

“Let me take care of it,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll sleep on it,” said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

Rate This Post :

Skinny Dipping

One day a farmer went outside to his pond with a bucket to pick peaches from the peach tree next to his pond and there were two girls in the pond skinny dipping. When they saw him they went to the deep end and said, “Don’t make us get out, we’re naked!” He said “I ain’t. I just came to feed my alligators.”

Rate This Post :
Advertisement
Categories