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Posts Tagged ‘cops’

Field Trip

An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station.

At the station, an officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells the children that these are the most dangerous and wanted fugitives in the USA.

Little Johnny looks at the wall of mugshots, points to a particularly scary looking individual and asks, “He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!”

The officer replies, “Yes!”

Little Boy asks “Well, why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

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Head-on Collision

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit head-on.

One driver, a sweet elderly woman, kept repeating, “He wouldn’t let me have my half of the road!”

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, “That old lady says that you wouldn’t let her have her half of the road. Why not?

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, “Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road, if she had just signaled WHICH half she wanted!”

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Lost Cat

“Hello, police department? I’ve lost my cat and… ”

“I’m sorry lady, but this is not a police job, you can try calling…”

“But you don’t understand, this is a very intelligent cat. He is almost human. He can practically talk.”

“Well, in that case ma’am, you’d better hang up. He may be trying to call you right now.”

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Last Rites

A priest is driving home when he comes across a dead pig lying on the road.
So he calls the police to inform them.
A cocky sergeant answers the called. “Did ye read him his last rites?” smirks the sergeant.
“Naw.” replies the priest.” I thought I would inform his next of kin first!”

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Mom’s Lead Foot

My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were driving through Georgia. Hoping to get off with a warning, mom tried to appear shocked when he walked up to the car.

“I have never been stopped like this before,” she said to the officer.

“What do they usually do, ma’am,” he asked, “shoot the tires out?”

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Wearing a Seat Belt

I was driving home from work when I was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Three days later, I got the same ticket, at the same stop, from the same cop.

“So, have you learned anything?” asked the cop.

“Yes, I have,” I began. “I’ve learned it’s time to find a new way home from work.”

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Double Duty

In one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town’s veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered.

An agitated voice inquired, “Is your husband there?”

“He is, but tell me, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?” the wife asked.

“Both!” was the reply. “We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar’s leg in it!”

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Disorderly Conduct

Three men appear in court, on charges of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park. The judge asks the first defendant, “What were you doing?”

“Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond.”

The judge asks the second gentleman, “And what were you doing?”

“I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too.”

“Sounds harmless,” says the judge. He turns to the third person, “And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?”

“No, sir. I AM Peanuts!”

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Disabled Vehicle

A car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. The lady driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats and appear naked to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn’t very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the lady of the disabled vehicle yelling, “What is going on here?”

“My car broke down, Officer” says the woman, calmly.

“Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!” asks the Officer.

“Well, those are my emergency flashers!” she replies.

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Small Town Cop

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

“But officer.” the man began, “I can explain”.

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But officer, I just wanted to say.”

“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

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