Advertisement
Advertisement
 

Posts Tagged ‘cars’

Old Junker

A man had his beloved old white convertible for many many years and it was now in truly deplorable shape, but he refused to get rid of it. One day, the old junker was stolen from his office parking lot. His wife was delighted. Finally, she will never have to look at that worthless piece of metal anymore.

Nonetheless, to appeal to her heartbroken husband, she called the police and filed an insurance claim. Her relief was short-lived, when within an hour she received a call from an office.

“We found the car less than a mile away,” he said, trying to restrain himself. “It had a note on it that read, ‘Thanks anyway, we’d rather walk.’”

Rate This Post :

Brother Driving

I’m driving with this guy, and he runs right through a Stop sign. So I say, “Hey, that was a Stop sign.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”

A few blocks later, he plows right through a red light. I say, “You just ran a red light.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”

Closer to their house, we’re coming up on a green light, and he slows down. I’m confused, so I say, “It’s green; why are you slowing down?”

He says, “My brother might be coming.”

Rate This Post :

Dumb Criminals

My first car was a 1984 Jeep CJ7, a pretty sweet ride for a dirt poor teenager in the 90s. I was working midnights at a gas station and loaned it to my brother who was taking a date to a party. I got a call around 1AM from my brother who told me he left the keys in the Jeep and it was stolen. I was devastated. I was still on the phone with my brother when the thieves pulled my Jeep into my gas station to fill up on gas.

As luck would have it, the gas gauge on my Jeep was broken and always read “empty”, and I worked at the only 24 hour gas stations in the area. I pressed the silent alarm and… proceeded to fill up my Jeep (it was a full serve station). When the thieves were out of the jeep, I saw an opportunity to slip the key out of this ignition and into my pocket. They paid for the gas, and argued among each other who had the keys last. The delay was enough for the police to arrive.

I had to explain the story to the officer half a dozen times before he understood. The thieves had this stunned look of disbelief on their faces I’ll never forget. The cops were belly-laughing telling the story to dispatch, all the while the thieves sat in cuffs in the back of the squad car.

The story made most of the major newspapers the following day.

Rate This Post :

Car Makes

A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn’t gotten the license number.

“What kind of car was he driving?” the husband asked.

“I don’t know,” she said. “I never can tell one car from another.”

At that, the man decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.

It worked.

About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face. “Darling,” she said. “I hit a Buick today!”

Rate This Post :

Head-on Collision

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit head-on.

One driver, a sweet elderly woman, kept repeating, “He wouldn’t let me have my half of the road!”

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, “That old lady says that you wouldn’t let her have her half of the road. Why not?

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, “Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road, if she had just signaled WHICH half she wanted!”

Rate This Post :

Mom’s Lead Foot

My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were driving through Georgia. Hoping to get off with a warning, mom tried to appear shocked when he walked up to the car.

“I have never been stopped like this before,” she said to the officer.

“What do they usually do, ma’am,” he asked, “shoot the tires out?”

Rate This Post :

Remote Batteries

A blonde saw another blonde weeping beside her car.

“Do you need help?” she asked.

The weeping blonde replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlock thing, now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they [pointing to a distant convenience store] would have a battery for this?”

“Hmmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm, too?” the helpful blonde asked.

“No, just this remote ‘thing,’” the crying blonde answered, handing it and the car keys to the other blonde.

The helpful blonde took the key, manually unlocked the door, and suggested, “Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries it’s a long walk.”

Rate This Post :

Garage Sale

I took four tires to a friend’s garage sale and was asking $35 apiece. I needed to step away for a bit so I asked him to watch them for me.

“Sure,” he said, “but just in case someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?”

“Try for more, but I will accept $20 each,” I said, and left.

When I returned, my tires were gone. “How much did you get for them?” I asked excitedly.

“Twenty dollars each.”

“Who bought them?”

“I did!”

Rate This Post :

Disabled Vehicle

A car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. The lady driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats and appear naked to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn’t very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the lady of the disabled vehicle yelling, “What is going on here?”

“My car broke down, Officer” says the woman, calmly.

“Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!” asks the Officer.

“Well, those are my emergency flashers!” she replies.

Rate This Post :

Family Car

A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges, when she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.
At 11:30 am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, “What time did you get in last night?”
“Not too late, Dad,” she replied nervously.
Dead-pan, her father said, “Then I’ll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front wheel of the car.”

Rate This Post :
Advertisement
Categories