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Posts Tagged ‘animals’

Circus Duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn’t dance a single step!”

“So?” asked the ducks former owner, “did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”

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Fire Dog

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog’s duties.

“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.

“No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.”

A third child brought the argument to a close with this comment: “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”

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A Miracle

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a sheep walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes.

He took the precious book out of the sheep’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”

“Not really,” said the sheep. “Your name is written inside the cover.”

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A Chief in Training

An Indian chief walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:

“Want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Sure, Chief. Coming right up.”

He gets the chief a tall mug of coffee. The chief drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning he returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: “Want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Whoa, Chief! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”

The chief smiles and proudly says, “Training for a position in United States Congress. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”

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Wife’s Condition

A man comes to the therapist with his wife and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help us. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”
The wife clucks and starts pecking at the couch.
The doctor asks with wide eyes, “How long has she had this condition?”
“Two years,” says the man.
“What? Two years? Why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, “We needed the eggs.”

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Traveling with a Pet

A woman called ourx airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.

“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer gasped, “What? I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”

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Dog in Heat

A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”

Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”

“What’s that mean?” asked the child.

“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”

The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”

Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.” He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it and said, “Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block.”

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”

The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”

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An Omen

When the gambler wakes up from dreaming about a huge glowing number 5 made of gold and diamonds, he knows it’s an omen.

He grabs a racing form and looks up that day’s fifth race. Sure enough, the number 5 horse in the fifth race is Fifth Element. So for the rest of the day he does everything in fives: He eats five bowls of cereal for breakfast, goes for a five-mile run, takes a five minute shower, and wears the fifth jacket he finds in his closet.

At the racetrack, he buys five programs, bets $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race, and sits in the fifth seat of the fifth row of the bleachers in section five.

And when the gun goes off, he settles in and watches his horse come in fifth.

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Unusual Chickens

A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH.

He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him.

He sped up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up.

The man then noticed that the chicken had three legs, so he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm.

The curious man got out of his car and noticed that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, “What’s up with these chickens?”

The farmer explained, “Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I’m gonna be a millionaire.”

“How do they tasted?” asked the man.

“Don’t know,” replied the farmer, “haven’t caught one yet.”

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State Fair

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.

We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said: “THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR” My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said: “He mated fifty time last year”

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said: “THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR” My wife gave me a healthy jab, grinned and said: “WOW! That’s more than twice a week! You could learn something from that one!”

On the door to the third pen was a sign that said:
“THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR” My wife was so exited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said: “That’s once a day!!!! You could REALLY learn a lot from this one!

I looked at her and said: “Go over and ask any of them if it was with the same old cow”

My condition was upgraded from critical to stable and I should be leaving the hospital in about a week.

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