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Posts Tagged ‘animals’

Settling a Case

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, “You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”

The old rancher replied, “Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.”

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Bird Dog

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”

“I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “He can’t swim.”

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Roadside Miracle

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

“I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.

The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, “What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?”

The woman brought the can closer and read from the label: “‘Hare Spray’ Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave.”

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Three at a Bar

A blind man walks into a bar with a bear on a chain and a parrot on his shoulder.

“Hey,” the bartender exclaimed, “No animals are allowed in here!”

“We’re not just animals, buster!” says the parrot.

“I’m not talking to you,” replied the bartender, “I’m talking to the guy.”

“Well,” the parrot angrily replied, “in case your beady little eyes haven’t noticed, the guy you’re talking to is deaf, mute and blind!” He then proudly added, “I am his service bird. I do all of his talking for him. If you talk to him, you’re talking to me, so don’t be such a jackass!”

Hmmm, the bartender studied the bird.

“Okay, birdbrain,” the bartender leaned in close to him, “let me take a guess, if you’re a talking service bird, then the bear must be a seeing-eye bear, right?”

“Nope,” replied the bird, “the bear is a bodyguard.”

“What the heck does a blind, mute and deaf guy need a bodyguard for?” asked the bartender.

“The bodyguard is not his, ya dummy!” the parrot yelled, “He’s mine!”

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Sunday School

A minister was talking to a children’s Sunday school class about the Old Testament story of the children who mocked Elisha on his journey to Bethel.

For once, he had everyone’s attention, as he described how the youngsters taunted the poor old prophet and how they were punished – Two she-bears came out of the wild and ate 42 of them.

“And now, children,” said the pastor, wondering whether he had gotten his point across, “Who can tell me what we really learn from this story?”

A little girl in the front raised her hand and said, “We learned that one she-bear can eat 21 children all at once.”

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In the Cafe

A dog, a cat and a chicken walk into a cafe.

The dog barks that he wants water.

The cat meows that she wants milk.

So what did the chicken want?

To complain, because chickens squawk!

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Deer Hunting

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asked her, “What are you up to?”
Alice smiled. “I’m going hunting with you!”
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, “If you see a deer, take careful aim and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.”
Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake ran back.
As he got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: “Get away from my deer!”
Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, “Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!”

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50th Anniversary

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their Golden Wedding Anniversary.
“Let’s have a big party, Homer,” she suggested. “You’ll need to kill a pig.”
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. “Gee, Ethel,” he finally answered, “I don’t see why the pig should die for something that happened fifty years ago.”

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Two Hunters

Two hunters are out in the woods just as it’s starting to get dark. They are walking along and all of a sudden one of them yells “STOP, right now!” They had just stopped 4 inches from falling into a hole that looked to be 5 feet wide.
The other hunter says “OMG! You just saved our lives. We could have fallen into that hole. I can’t see the bottom; I wonder how deep it is?”
“Get something to throw in the hole and we’ll see.”
The other hunter looks around, finds an old anvil near them, picks it up and tosses it into the hole.
“Man, I haven’t heard it hit bottom yet, that’s one deep hole; let’s get away”
Within 8 seconds a goat ran past them and jumped right into the hole.
“Charlie, let’s get out of here, this is some spooky place!”
A few minutes later they come upon a farmer who asks “Hey hunters, have you seen a goat around here?”
“Yes we did, he just ran past us really, really fast and jumped right into a big old hole!”
“That’s impossible! I had him tied to an anvil!”

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Grumpy Grandpa

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.
The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, “Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy?
Grandpa, being in a kind of ill mood, responded “No, I don’t really want to make the sound of a frog now.”
So, the second little boy came out and asked his grandfather, “Will you please make a sound like a frog?”
Grandpa again said, “No, not now. I don’t really want to do that. I’m in a grumpy mood. Maybe later.”
Then the third little boy came out and pleaded, “Grandpa, oh please, please, please will you make a sound like a frog?”
“Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?” Grandpa asked quite annoyed.
The oldest little boy replied with a hopeful face, “Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!”

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