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What is the…

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Found a Cat

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he had found a cat this weekend. The teacher asked if he took the cat home and took care of it.
“It was dead,” informed the student.
“How do you know?” the teacher asked.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” said the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?!?”, the teacher exclaimed appalled.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘pssst’ in its ear and it didn’t move.”

I remember…

I remember being in so much debt that I couldn’t afford my electricity bills, it was a dark time.

Drunk Mistake

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him.
He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable arse!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

Raccoons?..

Raccoons? Oh, you mean garbage pandas?

Time for a Divorce

A traveling salesman is meeting up with his friend who is a lawyer and says, “I think it’s time for a divorce.”
His friend is shocked and replies, “Why do you feel that way?”
“Well, I am pretty sure Mary is cheating on me.” said the salesman.
Becoming more serious, his lawyer friend replied “Can you describe the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife’s fidelity?”
“Well, I’m pretty much on the road all week,” the man started, “so naturally when I am home, I’m attentive to Mary. One Sunday morning,” he continued, “we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, ‘Can’t you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'”

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