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Bin Laden's Surprise

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There he is greeted by George Washington. “How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!” yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: “You wanted to end the Americans’ liberty, so they gave you death!” Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, “This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!” He drops a large weight on Osama’s knee. Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged. As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, “This is not what I was promised!” An angel replies: “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?”

OBJECTS IN MIR IS CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.

After intensive investigation on both the Soviet and US parts, spokespersons
from both space agencies have determined the cause for the accident, which has
placed the station and its resident personnel in jeopardy. In terse statements
at a recent press conference, Soviet and US space agency spokespersons said
Thursday We have concluded joint investigations concerning this potentially
tragic accident and each nations’ team, separately, has arrived at identical
conclusions for this incident. The accident was caused by one thing and one
thing only…

Wide open space

Your mommas so fat hat when she bends over astronomers think its a black hole.

Three Men and a River

Once there were three blond who were all trying to figure out
how to cross a river. They tried walking across, but it was much
too deep. Stumped, they sat down and began to cry.

Soon, a kind fairy came along. When she saw their tears, she
offered to give them each a wish if they would stop weeping.

The first man wished, “I wish I was smart enough to figure out
how to cross this river.”

-POOF!-

The fairy turned him into a man with light-brown hair. He swam
across the river.

The second man wished, “I wish I was even smarter than that.”

-POOF!-

The fairy turned him into a man with dark-brown hair. He built a
rowboat and rowed across.

The third man wished, “I want to be smarter then any man alive!”

-POOF!-

The fairy turned him into a woman and he walked across the
bridge.

Drinking Buddies

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says “So where are you from, then?””I’m from Ireland.””Me too! I’ll drink to that.”They both finish their pints and order two more.”Where in Ireland are you from?””Dublin.””Me too! I’ll drink to that.”They both finish their pints and order two more. “Where in Dublin are you from?””The East Side.””The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I’ll drink to that!” They both finish their pints and order two more.”Where on the East Side are you from?””McDonagh Street.””Me too! This is incredible! I’ll drink to that.”As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, “That’s amazing! I can’t believe they’re from the same street in Dublin. What’s going on?””Oh, it’s nothing amazing,” says the bartender,”it’s just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again.”

Another Great Party!

When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a “dirty son of a bitch” to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office Christmas Party.

The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I’d like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.

First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I’m very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours too. About the water cooler incident, you’ll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn’t hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.

To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the bannister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.

Sam, you old cuss, you’ve just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I’d have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that lady hadn’t been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.

Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure don’t they? And boy the water is sure cold!!

Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We’ll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.

Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn’t remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.

To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan’s panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it. Urinating in everyone’s drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.

Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darndest to come to the picnic….

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