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Yo mama is so fat

Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket.

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Poor kids

Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool.

When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said: “Did you notice the small dongs on the rich kids?”

The other answered: “Yeah! It’s probably because they have toys to play with!”

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A Christmas poem

The stockings are hung on the chimneyAnd the presents are under the treeAnd mama’s in the kitchen making some herbal teaThe windows are covered with frostThe candles are all alight But as I wander through this quiet houseSomething just doesn’t seem rightYou see, every year the neighbors bring usA Swiss Colony beef logBut the neighbors aren’t aroundThere’s no beef log to be foundthis year Christmas isn’t ChristmasWithout a Swiss Colony beef logWithout those cheeses and meatsI don’t know how I’ll get along — from the South Park Christmas cd, “Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics”

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Nerd Season

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying:

“Nerds Not Allowed — Enter At Your Own Risk!”

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.
“You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?”

“I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I’m hauling.”

“Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,” he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.

“Why did you do that?”

“Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don’t even need a license.”

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen!

He can’t let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

“What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season,” says the truck driver.
“Well, sure,” says the patrolman. “But you can’t bait ‘em!”

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Missing Jesus

It was Palm Sunday, and the family’s 6-year old son had to stay home from church because of strep throat. When the rest of the family returned home carrying palm branches, the little boy asked what they were for. His mother explained, “People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by.””Wouldn’t you know it,” the boy fumed. “The one Sunday I don’t go to church, and Jesus shows up!”

There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

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You're a redneck … you think that the

You’re a redneck if…. You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest
invention of all time.

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Your momma so

your mommas so old her birth certificate says
expired

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What Do You Think

1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you are a mile away from him and you have his shoes.

2. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation….

3. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

4. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead?”

5. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

6. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

7. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

8. I have found at my age, going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

9. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.

10. Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of emergency. I think you should write “A very good doctor.”

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10 Things you don't want to hear in an Airplane

1. “The union president called – he said the pilots’ strike starts
IMMEDIATELY.”

2. “We’ll just ask the flight attendant to wake us up when we get
there.”

3. “My name is Forrest Gump – people call me Forrest Gump.”

4. “Hey, Jim, do you remember where we’re going?”

5. “Buckle your seat belt – I’m going to try something I saw in a
cartoon.”

6. “Bye, bye, Miss American Pie…”

7. “Wow, we’re sure a lot lighter now that we dropped that second
engine!”

8. “Only 500 more flight hours, and I’ll get my license!”

9. “They say this plane practically flies itself. Good thing, huh?”

10. “TODAY WE DIE FOR ALLAH!”

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Yo Mama's So Ugl

Yo’ mama so ugly, she took a beauty nap and slipped into a coma!

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