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Bad Neighbor

A judge tells the defendant, “You’re charged with attacking your boss with a hammer.”

“You jerk!” yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.

“You’re also charged with attacking a bartender with a hammer,” says the judge.

“Jerrrrkkkk!” bellows the same man.

“Sir,” says the judge, “one more outburst, and I’ll charge you with contempt.”

“I’m sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this jerk’s neighbor for ten years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

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Meet the Parents

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

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Ambitions

A teacher in the kindergarten classroom asked her students: Who would you like to be when you grow up?

Little Molly said she wanted to be a ballerina. Little Tommy said he wanted to be a race car driver. Then Little Johnny raised his hand.

“Johnny, who do you want to be when you grow up?” asked the teacher.

“I want to be a garbageman,” he replied.

“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age, why a garbageman?” reflected the teacher.

“Because they only work on Tuesdays,” came a reply.

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Snake Bite

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.
“I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says.
He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby.
“I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do: take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground.”
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony.
“What did the doctor say?” the victim asks.
“He says you’re gonna die.”

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Final Exam

Just before the final exam in my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me.

“Can you tell me what grade I would need to get on the exam to pass the course?” he asked.

I gave him the bad news. “The exam is worth 100 points, but you would need 113 points to earn a D for the course.”

“OK,” he said. “And how many points would I need to get a C?”

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Quick Acting

While eating a juicy pickle at the kitchen counter, a three-year-old girl stuck out her hand toward her mom and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.”

Shocked, her mom thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap.

After sitting her down to finish her pickle, the mom asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?”

Between bites, the girl replied, “I hit it with my pickle.”

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Room Change

The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.

“But sir,” said the clerk, “you have the best room in the hotel.”

“I insist on another room!!” said the drunk.

“Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don’t like 502?” asked the clerk.

“Well, for one thing,” said the drunk, “it’s on fire.”

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Impartial Juror

As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process.

First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled.

With all this randomization, you tell me what are the chances this would happen. During jury selection for a trial last week, the judge asked potential Juror No. 12 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror.

“There may be,” he replied.

“Please explain,” asked the judge.

“Juror No. 1 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything.”

Both were excused.

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When I Grow Up

After a church service on Sunday morning, a six year old boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, when I grow up I want to be a priest.”

“That’s great,” she said, “but what made you decide that?”

“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit down and listen.”

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Fire Engine

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.

“That sure is a nice fire truck,” the fire fighter says with admiration.

“Thanks,” says the little boy.

As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.

“Little partner,” the fire fighter says, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.”

The little boy says, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”

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