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Have Faith

A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.

“HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?” he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

“I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me.”

“Yes, yes, I trust you!” cried the man.

“Let go of the branch,” boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, “IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?”

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Gators Gone?

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “are there any gators around here?!”

“Naw,” the man hollered back, “Ain’t been any for years!”

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the gators?”

“We didn’t do nothin’,” the beachcomber said. “The sharks got ‘em.”

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Quit Smoking

A man asks his friend for a cigarette. His friend says, “I think you made a New Year resolution to quit smoking.”
The man says, “I am in the process of quitting. Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.”
“What’s phase one?”
“I’ve quit buying.”

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Drunk Debate

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night. Look at that moon!”

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. “You are wrong. That’s not the moon; that’s the sun!”

Both continued arguing for awhile when they came upon another drunk walking along. So they stopped him and said, “Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?”

The third drunk look at the sky and then looked at them and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”

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Tricky Steakhouse

Benny had told all his friends about the delicious steak he’d eaten in the Delancey Street restaurant the day before. So next weekend, they decided to go down there and see if it was really as large and delicious as he said. But, much to their disappointment, the waiter brought them the tiniest steak they’d ever seen.

“See here, my good man,” Benny said, “I was in this restaurant just last weekend, and you served me a big, juicy steak, and now today, when I’ve organized a party and highly recommended this place, you serve such a small one.”

“Yes, sir,” replied the waiter, “last week you must have been sitting by the window.””

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Cuss Words

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.

“Johnny,” she said, “you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?”

“My daddy said it,” he responded proudly.

“Well, that doesn’t matter,” explained the teacher. “You don’t even know what it means.”

“I do, too!” Little Johnny retorted. “It means the car won’t start.”

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Model Nun

Sister Margaret was a model nun all of her life, until she was called to get her just rewards. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said “Hold on, Sister Margaret…not so fast!”
“But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath… I have lived for this moment!” Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.

“That is precisely the problem,” replied St. Peter, “…you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong”.

“Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!” Sister Margaret pleaded.

“I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then.” ordered St. Peter.

Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. “Saint Peter” she gasped, “I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up”.

“Good!” replied the old saint, “Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are ready.”

Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels.

“Saint Peter, I feel woozy… that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me…it is all I can do to keep it down.”

“Good…good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong,” said St. Peter with delight.

“Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense, and then call me.”

A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:

“Yo, Pete…it’s Peggy…It’s gonna be a while!”

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Rich Believer

At a church service, a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of the congregation about his Christian faith.

“I’m a millionaire,” he said, “and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church service that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and I had to either give it all to God’s work or give nothing at all. So at that moment, I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today.”

When he finished and moved toward his seat, there was an awed silence. As he sat down, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him, “I dare you to do it again.”

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Circus Duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn’t dance a single step!”

“So?” asked the ducks former owner, “did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”

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Check Out

A woman rushes into the foyer of a large hotel and sprints up to reception, she hammers on the bell.

“Yes,” says the receptionist irritably.

“Excuse me,” says the woman, “but I’m in a frightful hurry, could you check me out very quickly, please?”

The clerk stares at her, looks her up and down. “Not bad,” he smiles, “not bad at all.”

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