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Teen Suspect

I was in juvenile court, prosecuting a teen suspected of burglary, when the judge asked everyone to stand and state his or her name and role for the court reporter.

“Leah Rauch, deputy prosecutor,” I said.

“Linda Jones, probation officer.”

“Sam Clark, public defender.”

“John,” said the teen who was on trial. “I’m the one who stole the truck.”

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Lazy Husband

Philip was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way he had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.
He ignored his wife Paula’s not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but Philip didn’t realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the dishwasher shorted and vacuum cleaner stopped working. The final straw came when the garage door closed on their car as they were pulling in and wouldn’t open back up.
Paula looked so stricken that he had to offer some consolation.
“That’s OK, darling,” Philip said. “You still have me.”
Paula looked up at him with tears in her eyes. “Yes, Philip,” she wailed, “but you don’t work either.”

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Hillbilly Feud

There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other who feuded constantly.

John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to yell insults across the river at Clarence. In return, Clarence threw rocks at John daily.

This went on for years until one day the area developed and the Department of Transportation came to build a bridge across that river.

John was elated. He told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.

When the bridge was complete, John left the house, but returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn’t he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence?

He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn’t realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: “CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN”

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A Dream

An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, “Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had.”

The wife replies, “Yes, go on tell me.”

So the husband says “I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.”

The wife says, “Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.”

The husband says, “No, I am sure it was a dream.”

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Rude Customer

I’m standing in a fairly short queue when a businessman walks in, pushes straight to the front and starts dictating his order to the 20-something year old cashier.

Cashier: “I’m afraid you’re going to have to go to the back of the queue, sir.”

Business man: “I have an important meeting shortly. You must serve me now!”

Cashier: “Yeah, the longer you stand there, the later you’re going to be. Back of the queue.”

Business man: “Do you have any idea who I am?”

Cashier: “Nope. Now shut up and go to the back of the queue.”

Business man: “How dare you talk to me like that?! Get me your manager now!”

(The cashier sighs heavily, walks into the back, comes out with an older woman in tow and nods her towards the businessman, then disappears back into the back.)

Manager: “What seems to be the problem, sir?”

Business man: “That boy was incredibly rude to me! I demand you fire him immediately!”

Manager: “I’m afraid I don’t have the authority to do that, but if you want I can get the owner for you.”

Business man: “Bah! Fine, but I expect to be compensated for having to go through all of this trouble!”

Manager: “I’m sure you can discuss that with him, sir.”

(She then walks into the back, then comes out again with the now grinning cashier.)

Cashier: “Yo.”

Business man: “What’s the meaning of this? I said I wanted to talk to the owner!”

Cashier: “Like I said, yo.”

(The businessman silently gapes for a few seconds, then walks out stammering threats about having his head and closing the shop down.)

Manager: “Why do you always have to involve me?”

Cashier: “I just love the look on their stupid little faces when they find out I own this joint.”

(The manager rolls her eyes and walks into back.)

Cashier: “I love this job. What can I get you?”

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Dog in Heat

A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”

Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”

“What’s that mean?” asked the child.

“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”

The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”

Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.” He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it and said, “Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block.”

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”

The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”

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What is Sex?

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, “Mom, what’s sex?”

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject in as simple language as she could.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form for a fall camp which he had brought home from school and said, “Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?”

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Cured

A woman went to doctor’s office for her annual examination.

Suddenly, another older doctor noticed her burst out of the examination room, screaming as she ran down the hall. He stopped the hysterical woman and asked her to sit down and relax. Then, he asked her what she was so upset about.

A few minutes later, the older doctor marched back to the woman’s doctor and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children, and seven grandchildren… and you told her she was pregnant?”

The woman’s doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard, “Cured her chronic hiccups though, didn’t I?”

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Felony Trial

A police officer was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility.

Q: ‘Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?’

A: ‘No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.’

Q: ‘Officer, who provided this description?’

A: ‘The officer who responded to the scene.’

Q: ‘A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?’

A: ‘Yes, sir. With my life.’

Q: ‘With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?’

A: ‘Yes sir, we do!’

Q: ‘And do you have a locker in the room?’

A: ‘Yes, sir, I do.’

Q: ‘And do you have a lock on your locker?’

A: ‘Yes, sir.’

Q: ‘Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?’

A: ‘You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.’

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Roulette Bet

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in ‘Vegas. She’s down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, “What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?”

A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, “I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?”

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”

The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!”

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