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Oldest Profession

A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions. Each one of them thought they had this in the bag.
The physician said, “Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.”
The engineer replied, “But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.”
Then, the politician spoke up. “Yes yes, this is all well and true,” he said, “but who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?”

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Proper Wages

A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent when he arrived.
“Well,” replied the farmer, “there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”
“That’s the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,” says the agent.
“You’re talking to him right now, Sir,” replied the rancher

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Sports Injury

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. His co-worker, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.

Andy replied, “Oh, nothing. Just a little hockey accident.”

Josh said, “Gee, I never knew you played hockey.”

Andy replied, “No, I don’t. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup Play-offs. I put my foot through the television….”

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Science Lesson

Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed them how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. 

A week later, the students are back in the science class with Mr. Smythe. Before he starts a new topic, he asks a question, “Who can tell me who I am? My name begins with the letter ‘M’ and I pick things up. Who am I?”

Before anyone could answer, Little Johnny shouted out, “You’re a mother?”

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Conference Party

Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside.

One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into the subway entrance, tripped and fell down the stairs all the way into the station platform where he saw a homeless guy sleeping on the bench.

When the first guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.

“Where ya been?” he slurred.

“I don’t know,” gushed the other guy, “but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!”

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Upset Secretary

Rebecca, the curvy blonde secretary, came out from her boss’ office shaking with anger. A colleague asked her what was wrong.

Rebecca said,”Well, I was taking notes from the conference call and after the call ended, the boss walked around his desk and stood behind me. He stood there for a moment and then leaned over me, and in that deep sexy voice of his asked me what was I doing this evening.”

The colleague asked, “He did? Why are you so angry then? What did you say?”

Rebecca answered, “I said I was doing nothing and that bastard asked me to type up all the notes, make 10 copies and send out to all the partners with overnight mail!”

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Gentle Approach

The pastor of the local church got a word that his favorite deacon Smith had been killed in a car accident. He knew the deacon’s wife would be hysterical so he called an emergency meeting with other deacons.

“Gentlemen, said the pastor, “one of you must break the news to deacon Smith’s wife. This will require a great deal of tact because the widow will be overwrought with grief.”

Deacon Jones volunteered to bring the news to Mrs. Smith.

When he got to the house, he knocked gently on the front door. A lady appeared at the door and he posed a question ever so kindly “Are you the Widow Smith?”

Shocked, Mrs. Smith replied “I am Mrs. Smith but I’m not a widow.”

“That’s what you think,” came the reply.

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Three Priests

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window…
“Young lady,” he began, “I would like three pickets to titsburg.” Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached…
“Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh,” he began, “and I would like the change in nipples and dimes.” He turns red and runs away.

Then came the third…
“Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say,” he continued, “if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates St. Finger’s going to shake his peter at you!”

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Letter to Mother

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

“Henry,” she said, “I’ve just received a letter from mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she could come at her own convenience. Did you write that?”

“Er, yes, I did,” said the husband. “But I, I couldn’t spell ‘convenience,’ so I used the word ‘risk’ instead.”

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Unfaithful Father

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.”

After dinner, George’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she’s a wonderful wife and mother, but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.”

George was brokenhearted.

After few months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Diane said yes! We’re getting married in June.”

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Diane is your half sister too, George. I’m awfully sorry about this.”

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

“Mom, did you know dad was such a cheater? He has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.”

“Eh,” his mother sighted, shaking her head, “Don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”

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