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Touchy Feely

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.
Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, “Just what the hell are you doing?!”
“Well,” said the guy, “you see, I’m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can’t help practicing my art!”
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” the guy replied. “I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?”

How many…

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

Walking on the Lake

A rabbi, a minister, and a Wiccan priestess decided to go on a fishing trip together. They went down to their local lake, rented a boat, and went out on to the lake for a day of fishing.
As the afternoon approached, the trio got hungry—and realized that they left their lunches on the shore of the lake.
The minister got out of the boat, walked across the lake, got his lunch, walked back, and sat down to eat his lunch.
“You should have gotten all of our lunches!” scolded the priestess. She then got up, walked across the lake, picked up her lunch as well as the rabbi’s, walked back across the lake, and sat down, handing the rabbi his afternoon meal.
The rabbi at this point is almost out of his mind, his eyes wide with shock. He manages to sputter, “Wha… what… how did you…?”
“It’s the power of our faith,” replied the minister.
The rabbi decided he would summon all his faith and try to walk on the lake too. While he was taking his shoes off, the priestess looked at the minister and asked, “Aren’t you going to tell him about the rock?”
“That would be nice, wouldn’t it… but it’s more fun to see him try first.”

Never tell…

Never tell a woman that her place is in the kitchen. That’s where the knives are kept.

Wrong Number

A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers because a billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers.

When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number. “I’ve had mine for twenty years,” she pleaded. “Couldn’t you change yours?”

The company refused, so she said, “Fine, from now on, I’m going to tell everyone who calls that their bill has been paid in full.”

The company got a new number the next day.

House Colors

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, “Now, in the living room, I’d like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm.” The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, “Green side up!”
The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, “In the dining room I’d like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy.” The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells “Green side up”! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide.
They wander further into the next room. She says, “In the bedroom, I’d like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue.” The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells “Green side up”!
This is too much. The woman says, “Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window ‘Green side up.’ What on earth does that mean?”
The contractor shakes his head and says, “I have four blondes laying sod across the street.”

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