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Last Rites

A priest is driving home when he comes across a dead pig lying on the road.
So he calls the police to inform them.
A cocky sergeant answers the called. “Did ye read him his last rites?” smirks the sergeant.
“Naw.” replies the priest.” I thought I would inform his next of kin first!”

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Stuck in Mud

During training exercises, the Lieutenant was driving down a muddy back road when he encountered another car stuck in the mud, with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.

“Your jeep stuck, sir?” asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

“Nope,” replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, “Yours is!”

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Pilgrim Children

Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church.

Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing: “The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers.”

“Oh yeah?” her young grandson replied, “So why is their dad carrying that rifle?”

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Art History

A young woman, pursuing a graduate degree in art history, was going to Italy to study the country’s greatest works of art. Since there was no one to look after her grandmother while she was away, she took the old lady with her.

At the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, she pointed to the painting on the ceiling. “Grandma, it took Michelangelo a full four years to get that ceiling painted.”

“Oh my, “the grandmother says. “He and I must have the same landlord.”

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How Old?

A math teacher asked her student, “Billy, if both of your parents were born in 1967, how old are they now?”

After a few moments, Billy answered, “It depends.”

“It depends on what?” she asked.

“It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother.”

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After Surgery

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. After a short nap, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re cute!”
The wife was disappointed. She asked her husband’s doctor, “When my husband first woke up, he called me beautiful, but just a minute ago, he woke up again and called me cute. What happened to ‘beautiful’?”
The doctor replied, “The drugs are wearing off.”

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Early Call

A man was the first to arrive at work one morning. The phone rang and he answered. When the caller asked for some specific information, the man explained that it was before normal business hours but that he would help if he could.

“What’s your job there?” the caller asked.

The man replied, “I’m the company president.”

There was a pause. Then the caller said, “I’ll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something about what’s going on.”

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Hard Working Farmer

A farmer and his recently hired hand were eating an early breakfast of biscuits and gravy, scrambled eggs, bacon and coffee that the farmer’s wife had prepared for them. Thinking of all the work they had to get done that day, the farmer told the hired man he might as well go ahead and eat his lunch too.

The hired man didn’t say a word, but filled his plate a second time and proceeded to eat. After awhile the farmer said, “We’ve got so much work to do today, you might as well eat your supper now too.”

Again, the hired man didn’t respond but refilled his plate a third time and continued to eat. Finally, after eating his third plate of food, the hired man pushed back his chair and began to take off his shoes.

“What are you doing”? the farmer asked.

The hired man replied, “I don’t work after supper.”

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Visit to DMV

I waited for a very long time for my number to be called at the Department of Motor Vehicles to renew my driver’s license. As I approached the window, the clerk asked how she could help me.

I replied, “I need to get a haircut, can you save me my spot?”

She said, “Why didn’t you get a haircut before your came here?”

I replied, “I didn’t need one before I got here!”

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Giving Thanks

A 4-year-old boy was asked to return thanks before a big dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation.

He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.

Then he paused, and everyone waited–and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, “If I thank God for the broccoli, won’t he know that I’m lying?”

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