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Punishment

A teenage son comes to his father and with a smirk on his face says, “Dad, remember when I was younger, and you saw me kill a butterfly and you told me ‘No butter for a week.’”

“Yeah,” said the father.

“And remember when you saw me kill a honeybee later?” continued the son.

“Yes, no honey for a week for that” said the father with a smile.

“Well, I just saw mom kill a cockroach. Will you tell her or do you want me to break it to her?”

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Pearly Gates Test

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the Pearly Gates of Heaven, with St. Peter and the Devil standing nearby.

“Gentlemen,” the Devil started, “Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you’ll come with me to Hell.”

The philosopher then stepped up, “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ teachings.” With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked,”Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!” With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair!” The Devil brought forward a chair. “Drill 7 holes on the seat.” The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from?” The Devil inspected the seat and said, “The third hole from the right.”
“Wrong,” said the idiot, “from my butt hole.” And the idiot went to Heaven.

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Bad Prognosis

Looking down at his patient, the doctor decided to tell him the truth.

“Mr. Smith, I am very sorry to tell you this, you are a very sick man. I’m sure you would want to know the facts. I don’t think you have much time left. Now, is there anyone you would like to see?”

Bending down toward the sick man, the doctor heard him softly answer, “Yes.”

“Who is it?”

In a little stronger tone, the patient said, “Another doctor.”

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Message From Beyond

A spiritualist who had recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly that she had just received a message from her dead husband asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes.

“The only thing is,” she mused, “that I don’t know where to send them.”

“Why not?” asked her friend.

“Well, he didn’t actually say that he was in Heaven, but I can’t imagine he’d be in Hell. He was a good man after all.”

“Hmmm,” responded the friend. “I wouldn’t be so sure. He didn’t ask to include matched in the package, did he?”

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Lost Boots

At the end of one cold winter day, when all the other children were leaving, the teacher found one little kid crying, so she asked him what was wrong.

He sobbed, “I can’t find my boots.”

The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots. “Are these yours?”

“No, they’re not mine,” said the little boy, shaking his head.

The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots.

Finally, the teacher gave up, “Are you sure those boots are not yours?”

“I’m sure,” the boy sobbed, “mine had snow on them.”

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Texan on Vacation

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.” 

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are those”? 

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas”? 

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Taking Care of Business

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 
“Certainly, Sir , that’ll be one cent.” 
One Cent?” the man exclaimed. 
He glanced at the menu and asked: “How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?” 
“A nickel,” the barman replied. 
“A nickel?” exclaimed the man. 
“Where’s the guy who owns this place?” 
The bartender replied: “Upstairs, with my wife.”
The man asked: “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” 
The bartender replied: “The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”

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Reminder Software

A guy who had forgotten the dates for a number of his friends’ and relatives’ birthdays and anniversaries, decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. 

He went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. Finally, he found one where the clerk seemed experienced.

“Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?” the guy asked.

“Have you tried a wife?” the clerk responded.

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Poor Groom

After dating a young lady for some time a poor young man decides it is time to marry her.  He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the big day comes. 

On the day of the wedding the young man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony. The service proceeds as planned and the vows are exchanged. Now it is time for the groom to kiss his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be paid. He pulls the young man aside and asks him, “Can you please pay me now?”

Not wanting to create a scene the young man asks, “How much do I owe you?”

The pastor thinks quickly and replies, “Pay me according to your wife’s beauty.”

The young man checks his pocket. All he has is five dollars and he gives it to the pastor. 

Although annoyed by this, the pastor realizes he has himself to blame. He continues the ceremony and says, “You may now kiss the bride now.”

At this point the veil is lifted from the brides face to allow the groom to kiss her. As the groom is about to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts and promptly hands the groom his five dollars back.

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American Seniors

Groups of American seniors were traveling by tour bus through Holland.

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used in some of the cheeses. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 

“These,” she explained, “are the older goats. We put them out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”

A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”

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