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Fairy Godmother

After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. “Make three wishes,” she told her mother, “and I’ll grant them.”

Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled.

Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.

The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, “I wish to have a trim figure again.”

The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly. “I’ll need more power for this one!” she exclaimed.

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Sobbing Girls

One Spring afternoon, I came home to find two little girls on the steps of my building. Both were crying hard, shedding big tears. Thinking they might be hurt, I dropped my briefcase and quickly went over to them. “Are you all right?” I asked.

Still sobbing, one held up her doll. “My baby’s arm came off,” she said.

I took the doll and its disjointed arm. After a little effort and luck, the doll was again whole. “Thank you,” came a whisper from the girl as I handed her the doll back. Next, looking into the tearful eyes of her friend, I asked, “And what’s the matter with you, young lady?”

She wiped her cheeks and said, “Oh I’m okay, I was just helping her cry.”

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Blondes Fishing

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind them and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licences.”

“But officer,” replied one blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and were collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”

The game warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.

“Well, I know of no law against it. Take all the debris you want.” Then he left.

As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing.

“What a stupid fish cop!” The one blonde said to the others, “Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!”

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Death Notice

When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.”
The widow replied, “I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big crapper he always was.”

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New Wife

A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was approached by a friend who laughingly remarked, “I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?”

“Oh, not any more, he doesn’t,” the widow replied.

“What stopped him?”

“I started talking about my next husband.”

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Robbery

An elderly woman walked into a liquor store with two guns, pointed them at the shop-keeper and said “Give me six bottles of scotch whiskey, all the money in the till, and then I want you to take me into your storeroom and make love to me.”

The shopkeeper got her the six bottles of scotch, emptied the money from the till into the old woman’s handbag, and then went with her into the storeroom, they took off all their clothes, and made love.

In the excitement the old lady dropped the guns on the floor. The shop-keeper paused a moment, then said “Madam, could you please pick up your guns again, I’m expecting my wife to arrive any minute.”

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Motherly Advice

One week before her wedding, a mother pulls aside her daughter (and bride-to-be). She says, “I will now give you the advice that has been passed down from generation to generation, from woman to woman.”

The daughter listened attentively, curious as to what the advice would be.

The mom continued, “Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish, and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.”

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Forgetful Actor

An actor had been out of work for years because he always forgot his lines. One day he got a phone call from a director who wanted him for an important part in a play.

All the actor had to say was, “Hark! I hear the cannon roar!”

Opening night arrived, and while he waited in the wings, the actor muttered to himself, “Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar!”

The time for the entrance finally came. As the actor made his appearance onstage, he heard a loud BOOOOM! He turned around and said, “What the heck was that?”

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Retirement Money

Shirley and Abe, a retired couple from New York City, living in Miami Beach, are getting ready to go out to dinner. Shirley says, “Abe, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?”

Abe says, “I don’t care.”

A few minutes later Shirley says, “Abe, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?”

Abe says, “Your choice.”

A few more minutes pass and Shirley says, “Abe, love, shall I wear my five-carat pearl diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?”

Abe says, “Shirley, I really don’t care what you wear, but if you don’t get moving, we’re going to miss the Early Bird Special.”

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Math Question

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her math classes:

“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”

After a very long silence in the classroom, little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on Johnny for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, little Johnny answered, “A good lawyer.”

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