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Moses’ Mission

Little Johnny was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.

“Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.  When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.”

“Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.

“Well, no, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it and you’d probably fall asleep!”

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Minor Injury

A woman with a minor injury was at the hospital because her doctor said she wanted to take a closer look at it to make sure everything was all right. The woman’s husband sits patiently in the waiting room.

After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.

Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room, this time asking for a screwdriver. The husband grows worried and begins to pace in circles.

Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer and at that, the husband, in a state of frenzied fear, runs up and asks, “Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?”

“I don’t know yet,” replies the flustered doctor, “I can’t get my damn bag open.”

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Oldest Profession

A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they went all the way back to the Garden of Eden.

The doctor said, “The medical profession is clearly the oldest because Eve was made from Adam’s rib, as the story goes, and that was an incredible surgical feat.”

The architect did not agree. He said, “But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect.”

The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, “Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?”

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Disabled Vehicle

A car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. The lady driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats and appear naked to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn’t very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the lady of the disabled vehicle yelling, “What is going on here?”

“My car broke down, Officer” says the woman, calmly.

“Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!” asks the Officer.

“Well, those are my emergency flashers!” she replies.

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My Dad is Better

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”

The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”

The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon… and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”

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Small Town Cop

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

“But officer.” the man began, “I can explain”.

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But officer, I just wanted to say.”

“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

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Wedding Gift

Martha had a wedding to go to and needed a wedding gift, but she procrastinated and ended up having to come up with something a couple days before the wedding.

She thought about it and finally said, “Aha, I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I’ll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it. Voila, one cheap wedding present.”

Happy with her idea, she took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on.

The silversmith took a look at the tray, shook his head and said, “Lady, this can only be done so many times!”

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Secret Problems

A young couple, madly in love, decided to get married. But as the wedding day neared, both grew increasingly nervous over secret problems they had never shared with anyone.

Privately, the groom-to-be approached his minister. “I’m really concerned about the secret I have been keeping from my fiancee,” the young man said. “I have unbelievably smelly feet—and I’m afraid my fiancée won’t be able to stand them.”

“Oh, is that all?” the pastor replied. “Look, all you need to do is wash your feet twice a day and wear socks all the time.” The groom thought it over and decided it just might work.

Meanwhile, the nervous bride had privately approached the minister’s wife. “I’m so worried,” she sobbed. “I have really bad breath when I wake up each day! My morning breath is so awful, my fiancé won’t even want to be near me!”

“Well, I have an idea,” the pastor’s wife said soothingly. “Set your alarm just a few minutes before your husband wakes up. Run to the bathroom, brush your teeth, and gargle with mouthwash before he gets out of bed. The key is not to say anything until you’ve taken care of your breath.” The bride thought it over and decided it just might work.

For several months after the wedding, the couple managed to keep their issues to themselves.

Then one morning, the husband awoke before dawn to find that one of his socks had come off in the night. Frantic, he searched the bed making lots of noise.

His bride woke with a start, and blurted out, “What in the world are you doing?”

“I was looking for my sock” the young man wailed. “But it seems that you have swallowed it!”

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Important Decisions

A young man couldn’t decide which girl to date. He liked one girl named Anna, but he really liked another one named Maria, too. He decided to ask his friend for advice.

“I can’t decide which girl to date. How do you make important decisions?” he asked his friend.

“Well, I go to church,” replied his friend. “Then I look up and pray and usually the answer just comes to me.”

The young man decided to try just that. He went to church, looked up to pray, smiled and left the church.

The next day he saw his friend and happily announced, “I did what you told me to. I went to church, got my answer and I didn’t even need to pray.”

His friend was surprised, “What do you mean you didn’t even have to pray?”

“Well,” the young man replied, “When I looked up, and the answer was written in gold above a stained-glass window. It read: Ave Maria.”

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Sunday with Grandpa

The young boy was spending a Sunday afternoon with his grandpa. Looking at pictures of his grandpa in his military uniform, the boy asked, “Grandpa, did you ever kill anyone in the war?”

“No champ, I never did.”

“That’s a good thing.”

“You’re telling me,” began grandpa, “I was the cook!”

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