Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
“Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.”
“Of course you can come in. You’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?”
“That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.”
“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me…”
“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”
Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”
“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”
Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?”
“Well, no Brenda, no.”
“Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”
An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son.
“Don’t be nervous, son, just do your best and remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me your mother is going to come and live with you and your family.”Rate This Post :
Did you know that the US Navy is issuing extension cords to all their pilots? If their parachute fails after bailing out – the pilot simply throws the extension cord into the air and as we all know, it always gets caught on something!
Fair Winds and Following Seas!Rate This Post :
“Doc, you’ve gotta help me! My wife just isn’t interested in sex anymore. Haven’t you got a pill or something I can give her? I am desperate!”
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. “Ordinarily, I wouldn’t do this. These are experimental. The tests so far indicate that they’re VERY powerful. Don’t give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE.”
“I don’t know, Doc, she’s awfully cold…”
“One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?”
“Um… okay.” The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife’s coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes, he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee.
A few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near whisper, and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, “I…need… a man…”
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, “Me… too…”
A son challenged his boastful father to a game of golf. The son was determined to beat his father in golf for the first time.
On the very first swing, the father got a hole in one.
“Okay, nice shot dad,” said the son, thinking quickly on his feet. “Now I will take my practice shot and then we will start.”Rate This Post :
A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, “Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names ~ Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?”
His father replied, “Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation.
Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.
“For example, your sister’s name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.
“Then there’s your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.
“It’s very simple and easy to understand.
“Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?”
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.
The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit.
After a few moments, he announced, “You’ve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!”
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake’s body for a few minutes, he asserted, “Well, you’re scaly, you’re slimy, you’ve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you’ve got a forked tongue. I think you’re a lawyer!”Rate This Post :
Mr. Burford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to poop real bad.
The toilet in his room isn’t working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men’s Room, but all of the stalls are occupied. So he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a crap in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves.
Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says: “Dear Mr. Burford… All is forgiven. Just tell us where is it?”Rate This Post :
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.
He says, “So what’s bothering you, dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he say anything before he passed away?”
She says, “Aye, that he did, Father.”
The priest says, “What did he say, Mary?”
She says, “He said, ‘Please, Mary, put down that dang gun…’”Rate This Post :
At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly.
Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom’s mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The pastor asked the woman, “Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?”
The woman replied, “We can’t hear in the back.”