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Coffee for Grandma

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was so proud. Anxiously, he waited to hear the verdict.

The grandmother in all her life had never had such a bad cup of coffee. As she forced down the last sip, his grandmother noticed three of those little green army guys were in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, “Honey, why would three of your little army men be in the bottom of my cup?”

Her grandson replied, “You know grandma, it’s like on TV. ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup’.”

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Cussing

Two brothers, 6 and 8 were discussing whether the words “hell” and “ass” were cuss words. They both agreed that they were in the Bible and they didn’t believe they were bad words. Let’s try it out on mom.

The 8 year old went in the kitchen, his mom asked, “What would you like for breakfast dear, some waffles or bacon and eggs?”

He said: “To hell with that, give me some cheerios.” She smacked him across the face.

The 6 year old witnessed this and slowly entered the kitchen. His mom in a stern angry voice said, “And what do you want?”

He said, “You can bet your ass I’m not asking for cheerios.”

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Beware of the Dog

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, “Danger! Beware of Dog” posted on the glass door.

Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

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Talking to Animals

A traveling salesman gets lost in the country and ends up knocking on the doors of a farm house late at night.

The farmer says he could put him up, but he’ll have to stay in the barn. So he spends the night sleeping on a stack of hey.

The next morning the farmer comes in and asks, “Were you comfortable?”

The salesman says, “I had a great time, I talked to all the animals.”

The farmer makes huge eyes, chuckles and asks, “You talked to the animals, huh?”

The salesman replies, “Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six.”

The farmer laughs and says, “That’s right.”

The salesman continues, “The horse tells me his name is Otis, you’ve owned him for 10 years.”

“That’s incredible!” exclaims the farmer.

“I also spoke to the cow,” went the salesman, “and the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30.”

“Wow, who else did you talk to?” asks the farmer.

The salesman says, “I talked to the sheep…”

“Those sheep are lying jerks!” barks the farmer.

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Lesson in Logic

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

“Here is the situation,” she said. “A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?”

A girl raised her hand and asked, “To withdraw all his money from his savings account?”

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A Compliment

John and his wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

“You know love,” she says, “I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist and my bum is hanging out a mile. I’ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby.” She turns to John and says, “Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.”

He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice. . . .

“Well… there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

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Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish!”

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A Lawyer and A Drunk

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.

“Well,” said the drunk, “it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”

“Let me have it,” said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. “Yes,” he finally said, “it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don’t know what it is. Where did you get it?”

“Took it out of my nose a few minutes ago,” the drunk replied.

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Life’s Not Good

Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. “So, how’s life been for you?” Ed asked.
“Not too good,” Ted replied. “My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son’s in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust.”
“Oh dear, that sounds terrible.” Ed said. “What business were you in?”
“I sell lucky charms,” said Ted.

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Afraid of the Dark

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.”

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?”

“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?”

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