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Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.

By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr Phil proclaimed, “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.”

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, a box of chocolates and the rest of my half-gallon of Blue Bell Original Vanilla Bean ice-cream.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

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Great New Law!

Have you heard the news?

There is a new law being passed that will allow dogs and cats to be deducted as dependents on your tax returns! You can now deduct as many as 100 pets!

The new law is proposed to encourage more people to have pets instead of children. But please be careful…

The law only applies to one day of the year, April 1st!

Happy April Fool’s day!!!!

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Board Meeting

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. He would wait in the office behind the main church.

The first man to arrive was a stranger the minister has not seen before.

“Sir, you misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board,” said the minister.

“Oh, I know,” said the man. “And, if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I’d like to meet them.”

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Cheating Liar

Two friends are at a bar talking about their marriages. One says, “I decided to file for a divorce.”

The other responded, “Why are you getting a divorce?”

The first one answered, “My wife is a cheating liar.”

“How do you know that?” said the first one.

“Well, a few days ago, my wife wasn’t home the entire night and in the morning she said she spent the night at her sister’s house.”

“So?” came the response.

“So, she’s lying. I spent the night at her sister’s house!” said the first.

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Car Makes

A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn’t gotten the license number.

“What kind of car was he driving?” the husband asked.

“I don’t know,” she said. “I never can tell one car from another.”

At that, the man decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.

It worked.

About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face. “Darling,” she said. “I hit a Buick today!”

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Ancient Castle

A group of American tourists were on a guided tour through an ancient castle in Europe.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” the guide said, “this castle is over 700 years old. Nothing has been altered or touched in all those years. What you see today, is what it looked like when it was first built.”

“Sounds like they have the same cheap landlord I have!” exclaimed one of the tourists.

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Bird Dog

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”

“I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “He can’t swim.”

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Roadside Miracle

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

“I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.

The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, “What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?”

The woman brought the can closer and read from the label: “‘Hare Spray’ Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave.”

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Guardian Angel

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, “Don’t take a step further.” She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been.

She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. “Don’t take a step further.” She stops and a car skids past.

Then suddenly she hears the voice saying “I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?”

“Yes!” Shouts the woman, “Just where were you on my wedding day?!”

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Drinking and Driving

Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said, “Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a po-lice roadblock! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!!”

“Don’t worry, Bubba,” Earl said.

“We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.”

“What fer?” asked Bubba.

“Just let me do the talkin’, OK?” said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “You boys been drinkin’?”

“No sir,” Earl said. “We’re on the patch.”

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