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Sad and Drinking

A guy walked into a bar and saw his friend sitting with a glass of beer at the bar, looking sad and troubled. He approached his friend and asked what happened.

“The wife and I had hardly finished one argument when I screwed up and started another one.”
“How’d you do that?”
“Well, you know when you’re done with a big fight and your wife suggests a little ‘make-up sex’?”
“Yeah.”
“I guess it wasn’t the right time for me to ask, ‘Does it have to be with you?’”

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Anniversary Note

On their 25th wedding anniversary, a husband took his wife out to dinner. Their teenage daughters said they’d have dessert waiting for them when they returned.
After the couple got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: ‘Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn’t do!’
‘I suppose,’ the husband responded, ‘we could vacuum.’

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Mary and Jesus

Newlyweds come back from their honeymoon and start their first week as a married couple at home. On Wednesday, the wife asks her husband, “What are your plans for the weekend?”

“I’m going to pull a Jesus,” the husband replies

Surprised, the wife inquires, “And what does that mean?”

Chuckling, the husband replies, “I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!”

On hearing that the wife retorts, “Sounds great. You do that and I’ll do a Mary – show up pregnant untouched by my husband.”

The man stayed home.

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New Cell Phones

A few years back, the place where I work decided to provide company-paid cell phones to the “suits” upstairs. After negotiating a deal with a cell phone company, we arranged for the phones to be sent to the homes of the various VP’s.
The day after delivery, I received a call from a partner screaming about how his cell phone didn’t work. He said he charged it overnight just like the sheet said, but in the morning, it wouldn’t power up.
I asked EXACTLY what he did with the phone when he got it.
“I took it out, plugged the charger into the wall and into the phone.”
“Did you put the battery in the phone?”
“Not the extra one.”
“Sir, the phone only came with one battery.”
(Pause) “Oh, I think I figured out what’s wrong with it.”

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California Patrolman

A California Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition.
“What are you going to do with the money?” asked the policeman.
“Well, I guess I’m going to get a driver’s license,” the driver answered.
“Oh, don’t listen to him,” yelled a woman in the passenger seat. “He’s a smart Alec when he’s drunk.”
This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned, “I knew we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car.”
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, “Are we over the border yet?”

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Mid-Term Exam

Professor Sullivan was teaching a graduate level class at New York University.

On the mid-term exam he included a huge amount of material. As the exam started, tension in the room built, people were sighing and gasping aloud, some murmuring comments under their breaths as they were answering the midterm questions.

The following week Professor Sullivan tossed the graded papers on his desk and announced, “Class, after I left here last week, God spoke to me. Want to guess what he told me?”

The students’ full attention turned to the professor, some hoping he would toss the papers in the garbage bin and forget all about them.

After a brief pause, Professor Sullivan continued, “He said: ‘Thanks, professor. I haven’t heard from some of those people since they left grade school!’”

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Walking Out

A Reverend was standing at the door of the church and shaking hands with the parishioners after the service, when a short middle aged woman approached him with a shy smile.

“I hope you didn’t take it personally, Reverend,” an embarrassed woman said after a church service, “when my husband walked out during your sermon.”

“I did find it rather concerning and wondered if he had some disagreement with what I said,” the preacher replied.

“I can assure you it’s not a reflection on you,” insisted the church goer, “Ralph has been been walking in his sleep since childhood.”

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Kansas Tornado

Out in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, without warning, and with unusual patterns of destruction. In one case, a house was completely whisked away leaving only the foundation and first floor. A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor.

The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself. “It was the strangest thing… it was the strangest thing…” she kept repeating dazedly.

“What was the strangest thing, Ma’am?” asked one of the rescuers.

“I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath, and all I did was pull the plug and the whole darned house suddenly drained away.”

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Everything a Dollar

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.
He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day!
The day before he’s to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.
When he’s checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
Golf: $1.00
Dinner: $1.00
Room: $1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00
He asks the Manager, “What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?”
“I’m sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn’t read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That’s what our golf balls cost.”
“Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could’ve gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would’ve known what I was paying for!”
“That’s right, sir, you could have,” said the manager. “Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!”

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Science Lab

Mother: “How was school today, Patrick?”

Patrick: “It was really great mum! Today in the science lab we made explosives!”

Mother: “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”

Patrick: “What school?”

 

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