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Early Shopper

It was a day before his vacation and the judge was in a happy mood as he asked the defendant, “What are you charged with?”

“Getting my July 4th deals early”, replied the defendant.

“That’s no offense”, said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”

“Before the store opened.”

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Brother Driving

I’m driving with this guy, and he runs right through a Stop sign. So I say, “Hey, that was a Stop sign.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”

A few blocks later, he plows right through a red light. I say, “You just ran a red light.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”

Closer to their house, we’re coming up on a green light, and he slows down. I’m confused, so I say, “It’s green; why are you slowing down?”

He says, “My brother might be coming.”

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Wrong Part

Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge.
He said: “Get undressed, Mrs. Cohn, and lie down on the examining table.”
She did, whereupon the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to examine her private parts.
After a couple of minutes he asked: “How does that feel?”
“Wonderful,” she replied, “But the discharge is from the ear.”

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Depressed Client

The barber’s client looked depressed, so the barber told him, “Cheer up. I knew a guy who owed $5,000 he couldn’t pay. He drove his vehicle to the edge of a cliff, where he sat for over an hour. A group of concerned citizens heard about his problem and passed a hat around. Relieved, the man pulled back from the cliff’s edge.”

“Incredible,” said the client. “Who were these kind people?”

“Hmm, not sure, but I believe they were the passengers on the bus he was driving.”

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Wife’s Condition

A man comes to the therapist with his wife and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help us. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”
The wife clucks and starts pecking at the couch.
The doctor asks with wide eyes, “How long has she had this condition?”
“Two years,” says the man.
“What? Two years? Why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, “We needed the eggs.”

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Birthday Cake

For his wife’s birthday, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription: “You are not getting older, You are getting better.”

When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, “Just put ‘You are not getting older’ at the top, and ‘You are just getting better’ at the bottom.”

That night, in a room full of guests singing “Happy Birthday” the wife blew the candles off a cake as her expression changed from happy to shocked and angered. The inscription on the cake read:

“YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM.”

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Happiest People

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

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Traveling with a Pet

A woman called ourx airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.

“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer gasped, “What? I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”

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Feeding a Baby

The first-time dad was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food all over the baby.

Half way through the jar, the dad thought there must be a better way to do this, one where more food will end up inside the baby’s mouth.

His wife came in, looked at the infant, then at her husband, who is just staring off into space and says, “What in the world are you doing?”

The husband replied, “I thought it was obvious. I’m waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another.”

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Now Hiring

I’ve been working on my PhD in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work.

As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get a job there.

Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think they’re looking for an engineer?”

“Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.”

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