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Guts vs. Balls

To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: there is a big distinction between Guts and Balls. We’ve all heard about people having Guts or Balls to do something, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS – Arriving home late, after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS – Coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bottom and having the balls to say: “You’re next, chubby.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome. Both will result in sure death.

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Episcopal Priest

After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital.

He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.

Later, the wife’s roommate commented, “Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine.”

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Punctuation

I’m not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, ‘Thanks for putting up with me so long.’

When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.

“Just where do you think you going?” she asked.

“What do you mean?” I said.

She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: “Thanks for putting up with me. So long.”

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Contesting God

One day a group of Darwinian scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one Darwinian to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The Darwinian walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t you just go on and get lost.”

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the Darwinian was done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this? Let’s say we have a man-making contest.” To which the Darwinian happily agreed. God added, “Now, we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.”

The Darwinian said, “Sure, no problem,” and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!”

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College Recruit

A college coach had recruited a top talent, but the player couldn’t pass the school’s entrance exam. Needing the recruit badly, the coach went to the dean and asked if the recruit could take the test orally. The dean agreed, and the following day the recruit and the coach were seated in his office.

“Okay,” the dean said. “What is seven times seven?”

The recruit mulled it over for a moment, then said, “I think it’s 49.”

Suddenly the coach leaped to his feet. “Please, Dean,” he begged, “give him another chance!”

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The Service Dog

A blind man was out walking with his service dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man’s leg.

Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog’s head. Having watched what happened, a bystander said, “Why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!”

“I know,” said the blind man, “but I gotta find his head before I can kick his behind.”

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The Musical Octopus

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. When the bartender brings his beer the guy pays him and puts an octopus on the bar. The bartender tells him, “get that thing out of here!”
The guy says, “No, wait you don’t understand. This is no ordinary octopus. This octopus can play any musical instrument you can think of.”
The bartender says, “No octopus can do that.”
The guy says, “No, really I’ll bet you one hundred dollars that you can’t find a musical instrument he can’t play.”
The bartender says, “OK you’re on. Try the piano in the corner.” The guy takes the octopus to the piano and it plays like a pro.
The bartender goes into the back room and brings out a guitar. The octopus plays a song on it. The bartender brings out three kinds of horns and a set of drums. The octopus plays them all.
The bartender says, “Alright I have one more instrument to try before I give up.” He goes in the back and comes out with a bagpipe. He sets it in the middle of the floor.
The octopus gets up on all eight legs and walks around it a couple of times then jumps on it. Then he walks around it a couple more times and jumps up and down on it a few more times.
The bartender says, “There I knew I could find one he couldn’t play.”
The guy responds, “Now just wait a minute. He’ll play it just as soon as he figures out he can’t have sex with it.”

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A Gift for MIL

Two guys were talking at work.”I’ve got a problem,” said the first one.
“What is it?”
“My wife has done it to me again. I’m supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am fresh out of ideas. I mean it’s HER mother, why can’t she buy it?”
“What did you buy her last year?” the other one asked.
“Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot.”
“Hmmmm, hard to top that one,” said the other.
The two guys couldn’t come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn’t buy his mother-in-law anything. When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering, she announced out loud to everyone, “Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren’t so thoughtful!”
Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, “Well, why bother, you haven’t used the gift I gave you last year!”

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White Party

A young girl was attending her first wedding where the whole wedding party was dressed in white. She was watching the proceedings with interest for a while before growing restless.

The groom stood at the altar as six bridesmaids walked slowly up the aisle, one by one.

Soon, the girl leaned over to her mom and whispered, “Why doesn’t he just hurry up and pick one?”

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Last Rites

A priest is driving home when he comes across a dead pig lying on the road.
So he calls the police to inform them.
A cocky sergeant answers the called. “Did ye read him his last rites?” smirks the sergeant.
“Naw.” replies the priest.” I thought I would inform his next of kin first!”

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