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What’s for Dinner

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.
“Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.” said the husband.
“Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply, move about five feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness.”
Sure enough, the husband went home and did exactly as instructed. He started off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she was chopping some vegetables and said,”Honey, what’s for dinner?” He heard no response so he moved about five feet closer and asked again. No reply. He moved five feet closer. Still no reply. He got fed up and moved right behind her, about an inch away, and asked again, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Annoyed, the wife replied, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”

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The Big Bad Wolf

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

“My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf”, says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

“My what big ears you have, Mr Wolf”, says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. Some distance further down the track Little Red Riding Hood again encounters the Big Bad Wolf, this time crouched behind a road sign.

“My what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf”, taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, “Will you knock it off, I’m trying to take a dump!”

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8 Cents

A blonde walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.
“That will be $1.08, please,” says the clerk.
“What’s the eight cents for? asks the blonde. “It says one dollar right here on the packaging.”
“That’s for tax.” replies the clerk.
“Gee,” says the blonde, “I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put!”

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Ex-Girlfriend

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” sighs the husband, “she’s my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

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Johnny’s Hands

A teacher observed Little Johnny entering the classroom with very dirty hands. She stopped him and said, “Johnny, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?”

With a smile the boy replied, “I think I’d be too polite to mention it.”

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Cheating Couple

The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there came the sound of a key in the front door.

The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm. “Heavens,” she cried, “it’s my husband! Quick, jump out the window.”

The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window, then demurred. “I can’t,” he said, “we’re on the thirteenth floor.”

“For heaven’s sake,” cried the young lady in exasperation, “It’s not a good time to be superstitious!”

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Unusual Emotions

One night, a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, even skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. “A penny for your thoughts,” she said.

“It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $67.50.”

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Find Your Man

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story department store with a sign that reads: “Find your man here.” They decide to go in.
At the door, a very attractive security guard explains to them how it works. “We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. You can go up, but not down. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”
So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are plain but kind.” The friends laugh, and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are handsome but poor.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are smart but unattractive.” They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they keep going.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are handsome, rich and kind.” The women get excited and are about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”

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Financial Adviser

A wealthy ninety year old tycoon is meeting with his new financial adviser.

The adviser is very excited and tells the old man, “I just found out about an investment I can make for you which will double your money in just five years!”

“Five years? Are you kidding?” exclaims the old man. “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas!”

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Late Night Call

It was two o’clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, “Hello? (Pause as he listens.) How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?” and promptly slammed the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?”

The husband replies, “I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.”

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