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Dumb Criminals

My first car was a 1984 Jeep CJ7, a pretty sweet ride for a dirt poor teenager in the 90s. I was working midnights at a gas station and loaned it to my brother who was taking a date to a party. I got a call around 1AM from my brother who told me he left the keys in the Jeep and it was stolen. I was devastated. I was still on the phone with my brother when the thieves pulled my Jeep into my gas station to fill up on gas.

As luck would have it, the gas gauge on my Jeep was broken and always read “empty”, and I worked at the only 24 hour gas stations in the area. I pressed the silent alarm and… proceeded to fill up my Jeep (it was a full serve station). When the thieves were out of the jeep, I saw an opportunity to slip the key out of this ignition and into my pocket. They paid for the gas, and argued among each other who had the keys last. The delay was enough for the police to arrive.

I had to explain the story to the officer half a dozen times before he understood. The thieves had this stunned look of disbelief on their faces I’ll never forget. The cops were belly-laughing telling the story to dispatch, all the while the thieves sat in cuffs in the back of the squad car.

The story made most of the major newspapers the following day.

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Game of Baseball

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

“Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven. “But you realize, I hope, that we’ve got all the good players and the best coaches.”

“I know, and that’s all right,” Satan answered unperturbed. “We’ve got all the umpires.”

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Glass of Water

A small boy is sent to bed by his mother.
[Five minutes later]
“Mom…”
“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
[Five minutes later]
“Mom…”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY… Can I have a glass of water?”
“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!”
[Five minutes later]
“Mom…”
“WHAT??!!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?”

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Sad and Drinking

A guy walked into a bar and saw his friend sitting with a glass of beer at the bar, looking sad and troubled. He approached his friend and asked what happened.

“The wife and I had hardly finished one argument when I screwed up and started another one.”
“How’d you do that?”
“Well, you know when you’re done with a big fight and your wife suggests a little ‘make-up sex’?”
“Yeah.”
“I guess it wasn’t the right time for me to ask, ‘Does it have to be with you?’”

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Anniversary Note

On their 25th wedding anniversary, a husband took his wife out to dinner. Their teenage daughters said they’d have dessert waiting for them when they returned.
After the couple got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: ‘Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn’t do!’
‘I suppose,’ the husband responded, ‘we could vacuum.’

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Mary and Jesus

Newlyweds come back from their honeymoon and start their first week as a married couple at home. On Wednesday, the wife asks her husband, “What are your plans for the weekend?”

“I’m going to pull a Jesus,” the husband replies

Surprised, the wife inquires, “And what does that mean?”

Chuckling, the husband replies, “I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!”

On hearing that the wife retorts, “Sounds great. You do that and I’ll do a Mary – show up pregnant untouched by my husband.”

The man stayed home.

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New Cell Phones

A few years back, the place where I work decided to provide company-paid cell phones to the “suits” upstairs. After negotiating a deal with a cell phone company, we arranged for the phones to be sent to the homes of the various VP’s.
The day after delivery, I received a call from a partner screaming about how his cell phone didn’t work. He said he charged it overnight just like the sheet said, but in the morning, it wouldn’t power up.
I asked EXACTLY what he did with the phone when he got it.
“I took it out, plugged the charger into the wall and into the phone.”
“Did you put the battery in the phone?”
“Not the extra one.”
“Sir, the phone only came with one battery.”
(Pause) “Oh, I think I figured out what’s wrong with it.”

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California Patrolman

A California Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition.
“What are you going to do with the money?” asked the policeman.
“Well, I guess I’m going to get a driver’s license,” the driver answered.
“Oh, don’t listen to him,” yelled a woman in the passenger seat. “He’s a smart Alec when he’s drunk.”
This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned, “I knew we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car.”
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, “Are we over the border yet?”

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Mid-Term Exam

Professor Sullivan was teaching a graduate level class at New York University.

On the mid-term exam he included a huge amount of material. As the exam started, tension in the room built, people were sighing and gasping aloud, some murmuring comments under their breaths as they were answering the midterm questions.

The following week Professor Sullivan tossed the graded papers on his desk and announced, “Class, after I left here last week, God spoke to me. Want to guess what he told me?”

The students’ full attention turned to the professor, some hoping he would toss the papers in the garbage bin and forget all about them.

After a brief pause, Professor Sullivan continued, “He said: ‘Thanks, professor. I haven’t heard from some of those people since they left grade school!’”

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Walking Out

A Reverend was standing at the door of the church and shaking hands with the parishioners after the service, when a short middle aged woman approached him with a shy smile.

“I hope you didn’t take it personally, Reverend,” an embarrassed woman said after a church service, “when my husband walked out during your sermon.”

“I did find it rather concerning and wondered if he had some disagreement with what I said,” the preacher replied.

“I can assure you it’s not a reflection on you,” insisted the church goer, “Ralph has been been walking in his sleep since childhood.”

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