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Earth Science

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”

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The Sin

Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of a church listening to a fiery preacher.

When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, “AMEN, BROTHER!”

When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, “PREACH IT, REVEREND!”

And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, “RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS… AMEN!”

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet.

One turned to the other and said, “He’s quit preaching and now he’s meddlin’.”

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Garage Sale

I took four tires to a friend’s garage sale and was asking $35 apiece. I needed to step away for a bit so I asked him to watch them for me.

“Sure,” he said, “but just in case someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?”

“Try for more, but I will accept $20 each,” I said, and left.

When I returned, my tires were gone. “How much did you get for them?” I asked excitedly.

“Twenty dollars each.”

“Who bought them?”

“I did!”

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Report on Childbirth

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, “How was I born?”

“Well, Honey…” said the boy’s mom, “the stork brought you to us.”

“Oh,” said the boy. “Well, how did you and daddy get born?” he asked.

“Oh, the stork brought us too,” chimed in the dad.

“Well how were grandpa and grandma born?” he persisted.

“Well darling, the stork brought them too!” said the mom, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: “This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”

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Petty Argument

The other day, Nancy and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.

To her credit, Nancy finally said, “Look. I’ll tell you what. I’ll admit I’m wrong if you admit I was right.”

“Fine.” I said.

She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, “I’m wrong.”

I grinned and replied, “You’re right.”

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Worried Sick

An elderly woman in her nineties had a visitor from her church come to see her at the nursing home.

“How are you?” the visitor asked.

“Oh,” said the elderly woman, “I’m just worried sick!”

“You look like you’re in good health. They take good care of you here, don’t they?”

“Oh, yes, they take good care of me here.”

“Do you have any pain?” the visitor asked.

“No, I can’t say I do,” the elderly woman replied.

“Then what has you worried sick?” the visitor asked.

The elderly woman leaned in and explained, “All of my closest friends have already died and gone to heaven. I’m sure they are all wondering where I went!”

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Mother’s Effort

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes she had found the lens.

“I looked everywhere, how did you do that?” he asked.

“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she explained. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I, on the other hand, was looking for $150!”

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Fish Heads

A blonde went to “Jim’s Seafood Store” and asked Jim about the best part of the fish.

Jim smirked and said, “The best part of the fish is the head. Not only is it good, but the head will make you smarter too.”

The blonde wanted to try and see if they are really that good. The heads were $4.34 each and she got two. Later that week she got some more and told Jim that the heads were really good.

For about three weeks, she got fish heads. Then one day, she came in she said, “You know I have been thinking, it’s silly that I buy fish heads for $4.34 each when I could have the whole fish with the head for $3.00.”

Jim smirked again and said, “But you see, you got smarter already.”

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Letter From Mom

A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his mom.

As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now. As he finished his feel, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post.

Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE! So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled.

The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills.

Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for. The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”

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Lumberjack

A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, “I need a job and I think I’m pretty good.”

The owner replied, “Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there.” The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.

The owner was shocked and asked, “How did you chop that tree down so fast?”

The man said, “I got a lot of practice in the Sahara.”

The owner replied, “You mean the Sahara desert?”

“Yes,” he said, “or at least that’s what they call it now.”

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