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House Colors

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, “Now, in the living room, I’d like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm.” The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, “Green side up!”

The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, “In the dining room I’d like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy.” The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells “Green side up”! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide.

They wander further into the next room. She says, “In the bedroom, I’d like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue.” The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells “Green side up”!

This is too much. The woman says, “Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window ‘Green side up.’ What on earth does that mean?”

The contractor shakes his head and says, “I have four blondes laying sod across the street.”

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Marriage Lessons

During the 50th wedding anniversary celebration, the husband was asked to give a brief account of the benefits achieved from being married for so long.

He stood up, thought for a long moment, then said, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness, and….” he paused.

“And?” someone cried out from the back of the room.

“… and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”

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Code Word to Heaven

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her.

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word,” Saint Peter told her.

“Which word?” the woman asked.

“Love.” The woman correctly spelled love, and Saint Peter welcomed her into heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

“I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”

“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word,” the woman told him.

“Which word?” her husband asked.

“Czechoslovakia.”

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Mom’s Lead Foot

My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were driving through Georgia. Hoping to get off with a warning, mom tried to appear shocked when he walked up to the car.

“I have never been stopped like this before,” she said to the officer.

“What do they usually do, ma’am,” he asked, “shoot the tires out?”

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Sunday School

A little boy came home eating a big candy bar.

Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he had already spent all his allowance money. Surprised, she asked him where he got it.

“I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me,” he said.

“But that dollar was for Sunday School,” his mother replied.

Smiling, the boy said, “I know, Mom, but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!”

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First Time Skydiver

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like hours, he is ready to go.

Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.

Suddenly, he looks down and he can’t believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up really fast.

Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver, by this time scared out of his wits, yells, “Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?”

The other guy yells back, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”

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What’s Wrong With Me

A man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”

“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

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Loving Mother

Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench talking about how much their sons love them.

Sadie says, “You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is; he loves his mother.”

Minnie says,”You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother’s Day? That’s from my son Bernie. What a doll.”

Shirley says “That’s nothing. You know my son Stanley? He’s in therapy with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me.”

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Smarter than Einstein

At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister.

As one shook the minister’s hand, he said, “Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, I bet you’re smarter than Einstein.”

Beaming with pride, the minister said, “Why, thank you, brother!”

As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man’s compliment. The more he though, the more the wondered why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So the following Sunday he asked the man, “Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?”

The man replied, “Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you.”

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Frazzled Cashier

I was checking out at the busy super market, and the cashier was having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner malfunctioned, and finally the cashier spilled a handful of coins. When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22.

Trying to soothe her nerves, I said, “That’s a nice round figure.”

Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, “You’re no bean pole yourself.”

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