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Job Center

A young guy goes to the Job Center in Charleston, West Virginia, and sees a flyer advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant at a Soothing Approach Gynecology Center. Interested, he wants to learn more. “Can you give me some more details?” he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up a file and says, “The job entails helping ladies get ready for the gynecologist in a soothing and relaxing manner. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off any hair, then rub in soothing oils so they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination. There’s an annual salary of $55 thousand, but you’re going to have to go to Charlotte, North Carolina. That’s about 250 miles from here.”
“Oh, is that where the job is?” the young man asks.
“No, sir. That’s where the end of the line is right now.”

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Rocky

One Halloween, a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as “Rocky” in boxing gloves and satin shorts.

Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.

“Aren’t you the same ‘Rocky’ who left my doorstep several minutes ago?” I asked.

“Yes,” he replied, “but now I’m the sequel. I’ll be back three more times tonight too.”


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Helping a Friend

Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. 

Saul, the banker, says to Morty, “So listen, Morty, you know I don’t swim so well.”

Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. He begins tugging Saul toward shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to get tired.

Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, “So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?” 

Saul replies, “Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!”

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Rednecks Hunting

Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk.

But the pilot objected he said, “The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind.”

One of the hunters pushed forward, “Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What’s with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.”

Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, “Do you know where we are?”

“I think so,” replied the other Redneck.

“Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!”

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Last 6 Months of Life

The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month’s to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his ‘house in order’ , make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.
“What will you do for the last six months?” asked the Doctor.
His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, “I think I’ll go and live with my Mother-in-law.”
Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, “Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?”
“Because it’ll be the longest six months of my Life!”

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Sibling Lessons

Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.

“Sure you can, Mickey,” Charlie said, “Just flap your arms really *really* hard.”

So Mickey climbed up on the shelf, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed down on the floor making great noise.

Horrified by the noise and cries that ensued, their mother came screaming into the room and said, “What the heck happened?!?”

Charlie said, “I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything someone tells him.”

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Tribal Shaman

A film crew is on location in Kenya, when a tribal shaman approaches the director and says, “Tomorrow rain.” The director pays no attention, but the following day it pours and shooting has to be delayed.

That night, the director sends his assistant to bring the shaman back. “What will be the weather tomorrow?” asks the director.

“Bigger rain tomorrow, much wind,” and sure enough a terrible storm once again delays the filming.

But then the witch doctor disappears for a week and the director, now depending on him, sends his people out to find him and bring him back to camp.

Finally, he is located and brought to the director’s tent. “What will be the weather tomorrow?” asks the director in desperation.

“No idea,” says the shaman, “Radio batteries dead.”

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Parents’ Job

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?”

Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”

“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amy?”

Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”

“Thank you, Amy” said the teacher. “What does your parent do, Billy?”

Billy proudly stood up and announced, “Nothing. He’s an economist.”

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Weight Loss Plan

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.

Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.” As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.

Encouraged by this success, he tries the next level of the weight loss plan – guaranteed loss of 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.

Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program – a minimum of 25 pounds guaranteed. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up.

The next morning, waiting at the door is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!”

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The Number

The morning after an all-night honeymoon extravaganza in bed, the newlywed wife snuggles up to her hubby and asks, “Sweetheart, how many others were there before me?”
After a few minutes of silence, the wife says, “Well, I’m waiting.”
And the guy takes a deep breath and says, “Well, I’m still counting.”

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