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Revenge

Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her purchases. “Cash, check or charge?” she asked, after folding the items Jennifer had bought.

As Jennifer fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

“Do you always carry your TV remote with you?” the cashier inquired.

“No,” she replied. “But my husband, Jeff, refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”

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Positive Attitude

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat.

“I’m the greatest hitter in the world,” he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. “Strike One!” he yelled.

Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, “I’m the greatest hitter in the world!” He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down, he swung again and missed. “Strike two!” he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, “I’m the greatest hitter in the world!” Again, he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. “Strike three!”

“Wow!” he exclaimed. “I’m the greatest pitcher in the world!”

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Rich Man in Heaven

A wealthy man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold.

They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street. Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little shack.

“This belongs to you,” said Saint Peter.

“Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded.

“We did the best we could with the money you sent your church!” Saint Peter replied.

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Going to the Doctor

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, “Where are you going?”
He replies, “I’m going to the doctor.”
She says, “Why, are you sick?”
He says, “Nope, I’m going to get me some of that Viagra stuff they advertise.”
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, “Where the hell are you going”?
She answers, “I’m going to the doctor, too.”
He says, “Why, what do you need?”
She says, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m getting a tetanus shot.”

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The Plaque

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”
“Good morning, Pastor,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor, what is this?”
The pastor replied, “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, “Which service, the 8:00 or the 9:30?”

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WiFi Password

Last night I went to a restaurant. I saw that there was a WiFi service, so I asked for password.

The waiter said, “Eat first,” so I placed my order.

After eating I asked again for password, and he told me, “Eat first.”

Annoyed, I asked for a dessert and coffee. After I finished it, I asked for the password again only to hear the same response. Frustrated, I demanded to talk to the manager.

The manager came out to my table and pointed to the wall with a sign that read: WiFi password “Eat First.”

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Park Bench

A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After awhile a beggar came up to her and said, “Hello, Luv, how about us going for a walk together?”

“How dare you!” said the woman, “I’m not one of your cheap pickups!”

“Well, then,” said the beggar, “what are you doing in my bed?”

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Corrupt Juror

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client’s jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state. One carried a penalty of 15 years while the other was a life sentence.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.

When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

“Sure did,” the juror replied, “the other eleven wanted to acquit.”

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Correct Stance

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, “Why are you back in so early? What’s wrong?”
“I was stung by a bee”, she said.
“Where?,” he asked.
“Between the first and second hole”, she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, “Then your feet are too far apart.”

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Farmer on a Plane

One day a farmer had to fly on a plane to go to a funeral. When he was seated, he could see out the window a red fuel truck driving up to the plane. The plane was fueled and they were on their way.

The trip required several stops along the way. At each stop the farmer saw a red fuel truck coming to the plane to refuel it.

When the plane landed ahead of schedule, the farmer saw the pilot coming out of the cockpit.

The pilot smiled and said to the farmer, “We made pretty good time today!”

In response the farmer said, “Yeah, and that little red truck didn’t do too bad either!”

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