Order in the Court

Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.
The women were arguing noisily even in the presence of the judge.
The judge, banging his gavel to quiet them said, “We are going to do this in an orderly manner. I can’t listen to all of you at once. I’ll hear the oldest first.”
The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

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Sin or Not?

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”

“What is it, child?”

“Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin – it’s only a mistake.”

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Hard Of Hearing

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The wife was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?”

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?” The old man yells, “He says you were speeding!”

The patrolman says, “May I see your license?”

The woman turns to her husband and asks again, “What did he say?” The old man yells, “He wants to see your license!”

The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman says, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”

The woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?” And the old man yells, “He said he knows you!”

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Breakfast Argument

Husband, who is a doctor, and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, “And you are no good in bed either,” and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, “What took you so long to answer the phone?”
She says, “I was in bed.”
“In bed this early, doing what?”
“Getting a second opinion!”

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Arm Exercise

Early this year, to deliver on my New Year’s resolution, I started working out. I found this brilliant exercise for people who have a hard time getting into the habit of working out.

Here’s how it goes – begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put one potato in each of the sacks.

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Tooth Fairy

A mom was playing “tooth fairy” and putting money under her little daughter’s pillow when the child awoke and caught her in the act.

The mom froze, wondering how to explain to her tot that she was, in fact, the tooth fairy. But she was spared the trouble.

“You put that money back!” her daughter said indignantly. “The tooth fairy left that for me!”

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How Many Children

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he`d put an end to things by saying boldly, “After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy.”

Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, “Well, I hope you’ll love the third one as if it’s your own.”

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Business Complaint

An upset customer came to the office of the business he had a grievance with to talk to the manager about getting his refund. A customer service associate took the notes of the complaint down and advised the customer that the manager was not present and to come back the next day.

The next day, the customer showed up and heard the same story – the manager was not present and he should come early the next day.

The following day, the customer came in bright and early and was happy to see that the manager was enjoying his coffee in his office window. He entered the business and said, “I am here to talk to your manager today.”

The associate responded, “I am sorry, but the manager is not in today.”

“What are you talking about?” replied the customer, “I just saw him in his office window enjoying his coffee.”

“Well, he saw you as well, sir,” came the reply.

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Peel and Win

A blonde walks in a diner and orders a cup of coffee. When she gets her drink, she notices that it has a “You May be a Winner” sticker on the side of the cup. She peels off the sticker and instantly starts screaming, “I won a motor home!”

She continues shouting, “I won a motor home!” until the waitress decides to get her boss.

“What’s the problem here?” the manager asks.

“I won a motor home!” the blonde shouts again.

“That’s impossible!” he replies. “We didn’t give out motor homes.”

She says “Well, it says so on this sticker.”

The boss takes the sticker and reads it. It says: “Win a bagel.”

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Bass Lessons

A father was buying bass lessons for his son. After the 1st week the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, “On my 1st lesson we learned about the E string.”

The 2nd week came and after the lesson the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, “On the 2nd lesson I learned about the A string.”

The 3rd week came by and the father said to his son, “You know these are expensive lessons, what have you learned this week?”

The son said, “I quit the lessons, I already got a gig.”

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