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Head-on Collision

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit head-on.

One driver, a sweet elderly woman, kept repeating, “He wouldn’t let me have my half of the road!”

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, “That old lady says that you wouldn’t let her have her half of the road. Why not?

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, “Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road, if she had just signaled WHICH half she wanted!”

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Doctor’s Opinion

The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.

“I can’t be sure what’s wrong with you,” the doctor said. “I think it’s the drinking.”

“Okay,” the patient said. “Can we get an opinion from a doctor who’s sober?”

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Grumpy Grandpa

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.
The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, “Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy?
Grandpa, being in a kind of ill mood, responded “No, I don’t really want to make the sound of a frog now.”
So, the second little boy came out and asked his grandfather, “Will you please make a sound like a frog?”
Grandpa again said, “No, not now. I don’t really want to do that. I’m in a grumpy mood. Maybe later.”
Then the third little boy came out and pleaded, “Grandpa, oh please, please, please will you make a sound like a frog?”
“Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?” Grandpa asked quite annoyed.
The oldest little boy replied with a hopeful face, “Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!”

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At the Ranch

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be “macho,” so he went out walking with one of the hired hands. As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation: “Say, look at that big bunch of cows.”

The hired hand replied, “Not ‘bunch,’ but ‘herd.’”

“Heard what?”

“Herd of cows.”

“Sure, I’ve heard of cows. There’s a big bunch of ‘em right over there.”

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Helpful Nephew

I walked into my sister’s kitchen and found my nephew having a snack.
“Where’s your mother?” I asked.
“She is upstairs, said she was going to take a shower.” came the reply
“Do you know how long it’s been? I need to ask her an urgent question.” I asked.
He stepped into the nearby bathroom and flushed the toilet. A second later a sharp yell came from upstairs.
My nephew walked back out and said, “Won’t be too long now.”

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Deathbed Summons

A preacher on his deathbed summoned his doctor and his lawyer. They came, and he asked them to sit on either side of his bed and hold his hands.

They sat thus for a long while until the doctor stirred and said, “You don’t have long on this earth, Reverend. Can you tell us why you asked us to come?”

The old preacher stirred himself wheezed and said, “Well, Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s the way I want to go too.”

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Idiot in Canada

An idiot heard that a fortune could be made by working as a lumberjack in Canada. So, off he goes. After some weeks, he arrives at a lumberjack-camp and asks the foreman for a job.
The foreman says, “Okay sonny, but you’ll have to do a test first. If you can chop down 100 trees tomorrow you’re hired.”
So, next day, the idiot gets his chainsaw and happily saws away all day. However, when trees are counted the idiot only has 98.
“Oh well,” says the foreman, “You’ll get another chance tomorrow.”
So, next day, same story, 99 trees.
“I don’t believe this,” says the foreman, “A big strong fella like yourself should be able to cut down 200 trees in a day. You know what? You get one more chance, and I’ll join you to show you the trick of it”.
So, next day, the idiot and the foreman go into the forest. Upon arrival at a nice open spot the foreman takes out the chainsaw and starts the engine to which the idiot says, “What the…? Where’s the noise coming from?”

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The Ultimate Computer

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company’s production line. One day, a guided school tour arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. “This,” he said, “is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it. Would anyone like to try?”
Little Johnny quickly stepped forward and asked, “Where is my father?”
There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the answer appeared on the screen: “Fishing in Florida.”
Little Johnny laughed, “Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question.”
The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.
Little Johnny thought and said to the Ultimate Computer, “Where is my mother’s husband?” Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room.
After a moment, the screen lit up with an answer: “Dead. But your father is still fishing in Florida.”

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Super Bowl Tickets

A guy placed an ad on a Local Affairs website:

“I have two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl, both box seats. I paid $2500 for each ticket, but I didn’t realize last year when I bought them that it was going to be on the same day as my wedding. I am looking for someone to take my place. The wedding is at St. Thomas Church, Providence at 3pm. Her name is Amanda. She’s 5’6″, about 130 lbs. She is a good cook, too. She’ll be the one in the white dress.”

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Dental Visit

A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but no re-sponse. After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check.

The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well: “How old are you?” No response. The dentist then asked: “Don’t you know how old you are?” Immediately four tiny fingers went up.

“Oh,” replied the dentist, “and do you know how old that is?” Four little fingers went up once again. Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked: “Can you talk?”

The solemn little patient looked at him and asked: “Yes! And can you count?”

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