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Detective Work

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. Holmes said: “Watson, look up and tell me what you see”.

Watson said: “I see a fantastic panorama of countless stars.”

Holmes: “And what does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a moment: “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.”

“Why? – What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes was silent for a moment then spoke: “My good Watson… someone has stolen our tent.”

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Generous Travel Agent

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop, “I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.”

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.

“And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly.

“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said. “I’ve come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old fart I had to share the room with?”

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Speeding Farmer

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?” The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what they are, but I never heard of circle flies.”

So the farmer says, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”

The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, “Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?”

The farmer says, “Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you that.”

The trooper says, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a brief pause, the farmer ads, “Hard to fool them flies though…”

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Cook Book

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

“I got a cookbook once,” said one, “but I could never do anything with it.”

“Too much fancy work in it, eh?” asked the other.

“You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – Take a clean dish…”

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Letter to a Company

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of praise and approval to the manufacturer.

Several weeks later, he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.

“Well, what did I tell you? They always send you free stuff when you write them a letter” his wife commented smiling.

Excited, the guy rushed to his desk, opened his computer and started typing something.

“What are you doing?” the wife inquired, “Dinner’s hot on the table.”

“I’m writing to General Motors!” exclaimed the guy.

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Reasonable Doubt

At a courtroom in Oklahoma a person is on trial for murder.There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he’ll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room,” he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.

The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” inquires the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”

Answers the representative: “Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t.”

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92 Years

An old fellow was celebrating 92 years on this Earth.

When he woke up, he looked down at his feet and spoke to his toes. “Hello, toes!” he said, “How are you, toes? You know, you are 92 today. Oh, the times we’ve had! Remember we walked in the park every summer Sunday? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!”

“Hello, knees,” he continued. “How are you, knees? You know you’re 92 today. Oh, the times we’ve had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh the hurdles we’ve jumped together. Happy Birthday knees!”

Then, he looked down at his crotch. “Hello Willie! You little bugger, if you were alive today, you’d be 92.”

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Sunday School

A minister was talking to a children’s Sunday school class about the Old Testament story of the children who mocked Elisha on his journey to Bethel.

For once, he had everyone’s attention, as he described how the youngsters taunted the poor old prophet and how they were punished – Two she-bears came out of the wild and ate 42 of them.

“And now, children,” said the pastor, wondering whether he had gotten his point across, “Who can tell me what we really learn from this story?”

A little girl in the front raised her hand and said, “We learned that one she-bear can eat 21 children all at once.”

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Doctor and Toddler

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, “Do you think I’ll find Big Bird in here?”

The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, “Do you think I’ll find the Cookie Monster down there?”

Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, “Do you think I’ll hear Barney in there?”

Feeling bad for the doctor, who was really trying, the girl said politely, “Oh no, Jesus is in my heart, but Barney’s on my underpants!”

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In the Cafe

A dog, a cat and a chicken walk into a cafe.

The dog barks that he wants water.

The cat meows that she wants milk.

So what did the chicken want?

To complain, because chickens squawk!

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