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Reminder Software

A guy who had forgotten the dates for a number of his friends’ and relatives’ birthdays and anniversaries, decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. 

He went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. Finally, he found one where the clerk seemed experienced.

“Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?” the guy asked.

“Have you tried a wife?” the clerk responded.

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Poor Groom

After dating a young lady for some time a poor young man decides it is time to marry her.  He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the big day comes. 

On the day of the wedding the young man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony. The service proceeds as planned and the vows are exchanged. Now it is time for the groom to kiss his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be paid. He pulls the young man aside and asks him, “Can you please pay me now?”

Not wanting to create a scene the young man asks, “How much do I owe you?”

The pastor thinks quickly and replies, “Pay me according to your wife’s beauty.”

The young man checks his pocket. All he has is five dollars and he gives it to the pastor. 

Although annoyed by this, the pastor realizes he has himself to blame. He continues the ceremony and says, “You may now kiss the bride now.”

At this point the veil is lifted from the brides face to allow the groom to kiss her. As the groom is about to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts and promptly hands the groom his five dollars back.

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American Seniors

Groups of American seniors were traveling by tour bus through Holland.

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used in some of the cheeses. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 

“These,” she explained, “are the older goats. We put them out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”

A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”

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An Absent-minded Husband

An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife’s birthday and their anniversary.
He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, “Your loving husband.”
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, when he came home, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, “Nice flowers, honey. Where’d you get them?”

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At the Pharmacy

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, ‘Son, how old are you?’
‘Eight’, the boy replied.
The man continued, ‘Do you know what these are used for?’
The boy replied, ‘Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four.”
“Oh, really?” the pharmacist replied with a grin.
“Yes.” the boy said. “We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do none of those.”

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Two Old Guys

Two old guys at a senior center were sipping lemonade on the porch.

One says to the other, “I see that the older I get, the more pain I am in. It seems that these days even my aches have pains.”

The other one says, “I don’t think I experienced that. I feel much different, actually.”

The first guy, surprised with the other guy’s response says: “You must be close to my age. How are you feeling these days?”

The other one says, “Like a brand new baby.”

“No kidding! Like a brand new baby? How come?”

“Yep. Just like a baby – no teeth, no hair, and wet diapers.”

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A Fortune to Inherit

When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her, “but in just a week or two my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.

Three days later, she became his stepmother.

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Texting Hubby

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: “Windows frozen, won’t open.”

Husband texts back: “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer.”

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: “Computer really messed up now.”

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Marital Advice

A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things and cleaning up.”
The friend says, “Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.’”
The first woman asked, “Did it help?”
Her friend said, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”

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Job Center

A young guy goes to the Job Center in Charleston, West Virginia, and sees a flyer advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant at a Soothing Approach Gynecology Center. Interested, he wants to learn more. “Can you give me some more details?” he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up a file and says, “The job entails helping ladies get ready for the gynecologist in a soothing and relaxing manner. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off any hair, then rub in soothing oils so they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination. There’s an annual salary of $55 thousand, but you’re going to have to go to Charlotte, North Carolina. That’s about 250 miles from here.”
“Oh, is that where the job is?” the young man asks.
“No, sir. That’s where the end of the line is right now.”

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