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40th Anniversary

John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding.

They were discussing the details with their friends. Nancy wasn’t going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress.

Nancy replied, “Silver.”

At that point, her husband chimed in, “Yep, silver…to match her hair.”

Shooting a glaring look at John’s bald spot, Nancy’s friend said, “So, John, I guess you are going barefoot then.”

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Found a Cat

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he had found a cat. She asked if it was dead or alive.
“It was dead,” she was informed.
“How do you know?”, she asked.
“Because I pissed in his ear and it didn’t move,” said the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?!?”, the teacher exclaimed appalled.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘pssst’ and he didn’t move.”

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New Player

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field.

While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.

When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, “You’re terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I’ll see to it that you get a huge bonus.”

“Forget the bonus,” the turkey said, “All I want is to make it past Thanksgiving Day!” 

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Drunk Mistake

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him.

He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

“Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable arse!” she screamed.

“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

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Time for a Divorce

A traveling salesman is meeting up with his friend who is a lawyer and says, “I think it’s time for a divorce.”

His friend is shocked and replies, “Why do you feel that way?”

“Well, I am pretty sure Mary is cheating on me.” said the salesman.

Becoming more serious, his lawyer friend replied “Can you describe the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife’s fidelity?”

“Well, I’m pretty much on the road all week,” the man started, “so naturally when I am home, I’m attentive to Mary. One Sunday morning,” he continued, “we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, ‘Can’t you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?’”

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Three Nurses

Three nurses arrive at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter asks the first why he should admit her. She replies that she has been an emergency room nurse and has saved thousands and thousands of lives.

“Okay,” he says, “Come on in!”

The second reports that he has been an ICU nurse and he, too, has saved thousands and thousands of lives. St. Peter lets him in, too.

St. Peter asks the third nurse the same question.

She replies that she has been a managed care nurse and has saved thousands and thousands of dollars for the insurance company.

St. Peter replies, “Okay, come on in, but you can only stay three days.”

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Red Haired Baby

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician Dr. Cohen.
“Doctor,” Mr. Spiegel said, “I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine.”
“Nonsense,” the doctor said, “even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.”
“It isn’t possible,” the man insisted. “This can’t be, our families on both sides had jet black hair for generations.”
“Well,” said the doctor, “let me ask you this, how often do you have sex?”
Mr. Spiegel seemed a bit ashamed. “Well, I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.”
“There you have it!” the doctor said confidently. “It’s just rust.”

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Unfortunate Switch

A blonde goes to the doctor with burns on both of her ears and her right hand.

“Sit down and tell me how it happened,” says the doctor.

“I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear.”

“What about the other ear and your hand?” the doctor asked.

She replied, “I tried to call for an ambulance.”

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Smart Pills

One day a boy and his father were walking through the woods when the son spotted some rabbit droppings.

The boy asked his Dad, “What are these Pop?”

Wanting to tease his son, the father replied, “They’re smart pills, son. Eat them and they’ll make you smarter.”

So the boy ate them and said, “Yuck, they taste just like poop!”

“See,” said his father giggling, “you’re already getting smarter!”

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Late for Church

One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday dress was running so she wouldn’t be late for church.

As she ran she kept praying, “Dear God, please don’t let me be late to church. Please don’t let me be late to church.”

Suddenly, she tripped and fell, scraping her knee. When she got back up she began praying again.

“Please, God don’t let me be late to church — but don’t shove me either!”

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