Advertisement
Advertisement
 

Model Nun

Sister Margaret was a model nun all of her life, until she was called to get her just rewards. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said “Hold on, Sister Margaret…not so fast!”
“But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath… I have lived for this moment!” Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.

“That is precisely the problem,” replied St. Peter, “…you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong”.

“Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!” Sister Margaret pleaded.

“I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then.” ordered St. Peter.

Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. “Saint Peter” she gasped, “I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up”.

“Good!” replied the old saint, “Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are ready.”

Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels.

“Saint Peter, I feel woozy… that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me…it is all I can do to keep it down.”

“Good…good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong,” said St. Peter with delight.

“Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense, and then call me.”

A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:

“Yo, Pete…it’s Peggy…It’s gonna be a while!”

Rate This Post :

Rich Believer

At a church service, a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of the congregation about his Christian faith.

“I’m a millionaire,” he said, “and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church service that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and I had to either give it all to God’s work or give nothing at all. So at that moment, I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today.”

When he finished and moved toward his seat, there was an awed silence. As he sat down, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him, “I dare you to do it again.”

Rate This Post :

Circus Duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn’t dance a single step!”

“So?” asked the ducks former owner, “did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”

Rate This Post :

Check Out

A woman rushes into the foyer of a large hotel and sprints up to reception, she hammers on the bell.

“Yes,” says the receptionist irritably.

“Excuse me,” says the woman, “but I’m in a frightful hurry, could you check me out very quickly, please?”

The clerk stares at her, looks her up and down. “Not bad,” he smiles, “not bad at all.”

Rate This Post :

College Tour

A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
“It’s a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway,” he said.
“Actually,” said his guide, “it’s named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.”
The visitor was astonished. “Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?”
“Yes, indeed,” said his guide. “He wrote a check.”

Rate This Post :

Rookie Cop

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let’s get off the corner people.”
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off that corner… NOW!”
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did I do?”
Pretty good,” chuckled the vet, “especially since this is a bus stop.”

Rate This Post :

Some Doubt

A man is talking to his best friend about married life.
“You know,” he says, “I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there’s always that doubt.”
His friend says, “Yeah, I know what you mean.”
A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend. “While I’m away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there’s always that doubt.”
The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town. Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.
“So did anything happen?”
“I have some bad news for you,” says the friend.
“The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light.”
“Then what happened?” says the man.
“I don’t know. It was too dark to see.”
“Damn, you see what I mean? There’s always that doubt.”

Rate This Post :

A Trick

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment – shave, shampoo, haircut, etc., he placed the boy in the chair.
“I’m goin’ to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,” he said. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
When the boy’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said, “Looks like your daddy’s forgotten all about you.”
“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy. “He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, ‘Come on, son, we’re gonna get a free haircut!’”

Rate This Post :

Dad’s Birthday

On his birthday, my husband was stuck driving our six rambunctious children around to their activities. As usual, they were yelling, punching, and annoying one another. Joel finally had had enough. He pulled over and addressed the kids.

“Kids,” he said, “if you would behave and be kind to each other, that would be a very nice birthday present for me.”

Our six-year-old smarty pants shot back, “Too late dad, we already got you another present.”

Rate This Post :

Marriage Seminar

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor.

“It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.”

The instructor addressed one man in the audience, “Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?”

While the man broke some sweat realizing he doesn’t know the answer, Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?”

Rate This Post :
Advertisement
Categories