Science Lesson

Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed them how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. 

A week later, the students are back in the science class with Mr. Smythe. Before he starts a new topic, he asks a question, “Who can tell me who I am? My name begins with the letter ‘M’ and I pick things up. Who am I?”

Before anyone could answer, Little Johnny shouted out, “You’re a mother?”

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Conference Party

Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside.

One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into the subway entrance, tripped and fell down the stairs all the way into the station platform where he saw a homeless guy sleeping on the bench.

When the first guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.

“Where ya been?” he slurred.

“I don’t know,” gushed the other guy, “but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!”

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Upset Secretary

Rebecca, the curvy blonde secretary, came out from her boss’ office shaking with anger. A colleague asked her what was wrong.

Rebecca said,”Well, I was taking notes from the conference call and after the call ended, the boss walked around his desk and stood behind me. He stood there for a moment and then leaned over me, and in that deep sexy voice of his asked me what was I doing this evening.”

The colleague asked, “He did? Why are you so angry then? What did you say?”

Rebecca answered, “I said I was doing nothing and that bastard asked me to type up all the notes, make 10 copies and send out to all the partners with overnight mail!”

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Gentle Approach

The pastor of the local church got a word that his favorite deacon Smith had been killed in a car accident. He knew the deacon’s wife would be hysterical so he called an emergency meeting with other deacons.

“Gentlemen, said the pastor, “one of you must break the news to deacon Smith’s wife. This will require a great deal of tact because the widow will be overwrought with grief.”

Deacon Jones volunteered to bring the news to Mrs. Smith.

When he got to the house, he knocked gently on the front door. A lady appeared at the door and he posed a question ever so kindly “Are you the Widow Smith?”

Shocked, Mrs. Smith replied “I am Mrs. Smith but I’m not a widow.”

“That’s what you think,” came the reply.

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Three Priests

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window…
“Young lady,” he began, “I would like three pickets to titsburg.” Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached…
“Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh,” he began, “and I would like the change in nipples and dimes.” He turns red and runs away.

Then came the third…
“Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say,” he continued, “if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates St. Finger’s going to shake his peter at you!”

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Letter to Mother

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

“Henry,” she said, “I’ve just received a letter from mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she could come at her own convenience. Did you write that?”

“Er, yes, I did,” said the husband. “But I, I couldn’t spell ‘convenience,’ so I used the word ‘risk’ instead.”

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Unfaithful Father

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.”

After dinner, George’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she’s a wonderful wife and mother, but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.”

George was brokenhearted.

After few months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Diane said yes! We’re getting married in June.”

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Diane is your half sister too, George. I’m awfully sorry about this.”

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

“Mom, did you know dad was such a cheater? He has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.”

“Eh,” his mother sighted, shaking her head, “Don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”

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Easter Visitor

Monday after Easter, the teacher asks her pupils how they spent the holiday.

“So, kids,” said the teacher as the kids listened intently, “who’s came to your house this weekend with big ears and floppy feet?”

Without raising his arm, Little Johnny exclaimed, “My Uncle Brian! How did you know?”

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Improved Husband

Two friends who haven’t seen each other since one of them got married got together for a beer.

“So how’s the married life treating you?” asked one. “Are you enjoying being married?”

“Nah, just thinking about a divorce actually,” came the reply.

“Why do you say so?” inquired the first.

“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market.”

“Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,” remarked the first one.

In response, the other married one smirked, “I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”

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Settling a Case

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, “You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”

The old rancher replied, “Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.”

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