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Archive for the ‘dirty jokes’ Category

Wedding Night

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who he has never been with a woman before.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.They end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

“What happened?” she asks.

“Well, I’ve never been with a woman,” he says, “but if it’s anything like a kangaroo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get.”

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The Olympian

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”
“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”
“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course”, says the man proudly.
The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”

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Show and Tell

I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, “No, this is my first time.” So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
“Just a minute.” she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. “Do these excite you?” she asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk. “Well, come on,” she said, “we don’t have much time.”
Being that it was my first time, I was done within a minute.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown, “Did you put that condom on?” she asked.
I said, “I sure did.” and held up my thumb to show her.

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Bad Pain

A 70 year old man went to his doctor’s office complaining about a pain in his private parts. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “We will start with a sperm test. Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.” The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: “Well, doc, it’s like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, teeth in, teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?” The old man replied, “Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn’t get the darn jar open!”

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Police Roundup

A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know. One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.

Suddenly the girl’s grandma came by and saw her. ”Why are you standing in line, dear?” she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges. ”Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I’ll get some for myself,” said the grandma.

A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, ”Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”
Grandma replied, ”Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!”

 

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A Quickie

Yesterday morning, I went downstairs, and I found my wife in the kitchen. She was preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T-shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, still half asleep, she turned to me and said softly, “you’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up as I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “what was that about?”
She explained, “The egg timer’s broken!!!”

 

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Guess What Johnny Saw

While walking home from school one day, little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Somewhat curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. He finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

“I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to see what was happening and I saw and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy….”

At this point, his mother had an idea and cut him off. “Johnny, this is such an interesting story. I think you should save the rest of it for supper time because I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

Later that night at the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, “and then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”

 

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Who Am I

One Monday morning, Shane the mailman, was riding through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

“Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” Shane commented.

David, in obvious pain, replied, “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o’clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?”

Shane thought for a moment and said, “How do you play WHO AM I?”

“Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the ‘family jewels’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”

The mailman laughed and said, “Sounds like fun, I’m sorry I missed it.”

“Probably a good thing you did,” David responded, “Your name came up 7 times.”

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Who is That?

After a wonderful night of love making, the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance. Naturally, the guy began to worry. “Is that your husband?” he inquired nervously. “No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him. “Your boyfriend then?” he asked. “No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear. “Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, she answered, “That’s me before the surgery.”

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A definition of embarrassment

A man walks into a wall with full erection and brakes his nose..

A flasher is thinking of retiring but changed his mind deciding to stick it out for another year..
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What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a skunk? Law and Odor..

When thieves stole the toilets from the police station the police investigated but had nothing to go on..

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