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Archive for the ‘jokes’ Category

Nun at Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’ Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’

Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, ‘Would you like a drink?’ ‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’said the puzzled nun.

‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?

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Kids in a Hospital

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”

The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

The first kid says, “A circumcision.”

And the second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born… Couldn’t walk for a year.

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Doctor’s Office

I walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked me what I had. I said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down my name, address, medical insurance number and told me to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked me what I had.
I said, ‘Shingles’ So she wrote down my height, weight, a complete medical history and told me to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked me what I had. I said, ‘Shingles…’ So the nurse gave me a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told me to take off all my clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found me sitting patiently in the nude and asked me what I had.
I said, ‘Shingles.’ The doctor asked, ‘Where?’
I said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ‘em??’

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Mystic Reading

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt – prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
“Will I be acquitted?”

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Walking Economy

A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, “I’m just a walking economy.”

His friend replies, “What do you mean?”

“It’s like this: My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.

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A Chief in Training

An Indian chief walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:

“Want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Sure, Chief. Coming right up.”

He gets the chief a tall mug of coffee. The chief drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning he returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: “Want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Whoa, Chief! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”

The chief smiles and proudly says, “Training for a position in United States Congress. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”

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Early Shopper

It was a day before his vacation and the judge was in a happy mood as he asked the defendant, “What are you charged with?”

“Getting my July 4th deals early”, replied the defendant.

“That’s no offense”, said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”

“Before the store opened.”

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Brother Driving

I’m driving with this guy, and he runs right through a Stop sign. So I say, “Hey, that was a Stop sign.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”

A few blocks later, he plows right through a red light. I say, “You just ran a red light.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”

Closer to their house, we’re coming up on a green light, and he slows down. I’m confused, so I say, “It’s green; why are you slowing down?”

He says, “My brother might be coming.”

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Wrong Part

Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge.
He said: “Get undressed, Mrs. Cohn, and lie down on the examining table.”
She did, whereupon the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to examine her private parts.
After a couple of minutes he asked: “How does that feel?”
“Wonderful,” she replied, “But the discharge is from the ear.”

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Depressed Client

The barber’s client looked depressed, so the barber told him, “Cheer up. I knew a guy who owed $5,000 he couldn’t pay. He drove his vehicle to the edge of a cliff, where he sat for over an hour. A group of concerned citizens heard about his problem and passed a hat around. Relieved, the man pulled back from the cliff’s edge.”

“Incredible,” said the client. “Who were these kind people?”

“Hmm, not sure, but I believe they were the passengers on the bus he was driving.”

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