Archive for the ‘jokes’ Category

Old Junker

A man had his beloved old white convertible for many many years and it was now in truly deplorable shape, but he refused to get rid of it. One day, the old junker was stolen from his office parking lot. His wife was delighted. Finally, she will never have to look at that worthless piece of metal anymore.

Nonetheless, to appeal to her heartbroken husband, she called the police and filed an insurance claim. Her relief was short-lived, when within an hour she received a call from an office.

“We found the car less than a mile away,” he said, trying to restrain himself. “It had a note on it that read, ‘Thanks anyway, we’d rather walk.’”

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Mobile Banking

A young lady was very excited when she saw the text message on her phone reading, “Salary credited to your bank account.”

Jumping for joy, she rushed towards her car to go out shopping. As soon she opened the door of the car, she received another message, “Car loan debited from bank account.”

She closed the door of the car and decided to take a taxi. As she halted a taxi, she got another message, “Credit card payment made.”

She changed her mind again and started walking towards a local mall. As she entered the mall, she got yet another text, “Please maintain minimum balance in your bank account.”

She turned around and started walking back home.

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Biology Assignment

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, “How was I born?”
“Well honey…” said the slightly prudish parent. “The stork brought you to us.”
“Ohh…” said the boy. “Well, how did you and daddy get born?” he asked.
“Oh, your grandparents found us under a rock.”
“Well how were grandpa and grandma born?” he persisted.
“Well darling, they were found under a cabbage leaf,” said the parent.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: “This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”

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Train Stop

One day a man took the train that was going from Paris to Frankfurt.

When he got on the train, he said to the ticket man: “Sir. I really need you to do me a favor. I have to get off this train in Mannheim for an important business appointment. I’m very tired and I am sure I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is wake me up in Mannheim. Here you have 100 francs for the favor. But I warn you sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent. No matters what I do or say you got to get me off this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?”

So the ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later as the man had said he fall asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started yelling at the ticket man.

“Are you stupid or something? I paid you 100 francs so that you wake me up in Mannheim. And you didn’t, so I want my money back!”

While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, two other guys that were also in the train were looking at them.

One turns to the other and says, “What’s up with these mad passengers?

The other man replies, “Yeah! He is almost as mad as the guy they made get off the train in Mannheim.”

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Upset Bride

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.

Well, Mom forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.

While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, “Oh no! It’s short, pink, and wrinkled!”

Then her groom cried out, “I told you not to peek!”

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War Winning Tactic

In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate.

One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, “Why not? It’s not like we have any better ideas.”

The next day, an American soldier called out, “Hans!?” A German popped up and shouted back, “Ja?!” Boom, the German was shot dead.

The next day the Americans shouted again, “Hans?!” “Ja?!” Shot dead.

This process continued over the next couple of days. The Germans were losing large numbers, and were now finally catching on. The Germans had an emergency meeting. They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans. Thus, a German asked, “What is a popular American name?” “John!” replied another.

The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan. A German shouted, “John!?” An American called back, “Is that you Hans?!” A German popped up saying “Ja!” And that’s how the Americans ended WWI

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NASA Training

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. “What are these guys in the big suits doing?”

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.

After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder’s message.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man’s message was: “Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land.”

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Alternative to Alcohol

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

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A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, “What have you got in your truck?”

“Fertilizer,” the farmer replied.

“What are you going to do with it?” asked the little boy.

“Put it on strawberries,” answered the farmer.

“You ought to live here,” the little boy advised him. “We put sugar and cream on ours.”

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Rusty Driver

The Pope is super early for his flight. He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn’t driven a car since becoming the Pope.

Naturally, he’s a bit rusty, so he’s driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the Pope “Hold on for a minute,” and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: “Chief we have a situation. I’ve pulled over an important figure.”

Chief: “How important? A governor or something?”

Cop: “No sir. He’s bigger.”

Chief: “So, what? a celebrity or something?”

Cop: “More important, sir.”

Chief: “A major politician?”

Cop: “No sir, he’s much more important.”

Chief: “WELL WHO IS IT!?”

Cop: “Well actually I’m not sure. But the Pope is his driver.”

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