Archive for the ‘jokes’ Category

Swatting Flies

Two friends, Joe and Charlie, are playing in the playground, hanging off monkey bars and constantly having to swat at the flies that buzz around the playground.

At one point, Charlie hits one and kills it. He says proudly, “Did you see that?”

Joe replies, “That’s nothing, I killed 5 flies yesterday at home, 3 males and 2 females.”

“How could you tell them apart?” asks Charlie.

Joe smirks and says, “Easy – the 3 males were sitting on a case of beer, and the 2 females were on the phone.”

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Crying Baby

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands. The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn’t stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant next door to a neighbor who was a nurse.
After the nurse listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, she examined the baby’s ears, listened to his chest and then looked down to the diaper area.
When she undid the diaper, she found that the diaper was indeed full.
“Here’s the problem”, she said, “He needs to be changed!”
The father was very perplexed, “But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!”

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Big Decision

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, “You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?”

“Well,” he said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”

“That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”

“Yeah, and they’re in favor 15 to 2.”

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Small Talk

A girl from New York and a girl from a small southern town were seated side by side on an airplane.
The southern girl, being friendly and all said, “So, where ya from?”
The New York girl said, “From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.”
The southern girl, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:
“So, where ya from, b**ch?”

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Three Sinners at the Gates

An alcoholic, a nymphomaniac, and a stoner all die and are going to Heaven.

When they get to the Pearly Gates, Peter completely loses him temper. He says, “I’m so sick of you sinners being allowed in just because you went to church every Sunday. So, here’s what we’re going to do; we’re going to see if you guys deserve to be in Heaven. I’m going to lock you each in your own room with your vice. If you can be in there for a year without touching it, I’ll let you in.”

So, he sets the alcoholic up with a room that stretches as far as the eye can see, and it’s all shelves of the finest liquors ever made. He sets the nympho up with a room that is full of beautiful, flirty virgins, and there’s even a heart-shaped bed. Lastly, the stoner is set up with a room that has a never-ending supply of the best smelling weeds.

A year goes by and he checks on the alcoholic.The guy is passed out on the floor, ever drop drank. He is sent to hell. Peter checks on the nympho, every girl in the room is exhausted from sex. The guy is sent to hell. Checks on the stoner, and the guy is just sitting in the room, sober as can be, none of the weed has been touched.

Peter says, “Of all three of you guys, you were the one I least expected to be able to succeed. How did you do it?”

Giddy, the stoner asks, “Got a light?”

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Paddy’s Son

Paddy was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor’s every move, he asked, “What’s that?”
The doctor explained, “This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won’t know a thing.”
“Save your time, Doc,” exclaimed Paddy. “He don’t know nothing now.”

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All in the Family

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, “Are they relatives of yours?”

“Yes,” his wife replied. “I married into the family.”

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Empty Stomach

Young Mia, only four years old, returned home from her school complaining, ‘Mummy, I’ve got a stomach ache.’

‘That’s because your stomach is empty,’ Sarah, her mother replied kindly. ‘You’ll feel better when you have something in it.’

She made Mia a small snack and sure enough, Mia felt better immediately.

Later that afternoon Mia’s class tutor dropped by to see Sarah. While she was chatting with Mia’s mum, she mentioned she’d had a bad headache all day long.

Mia perked up straightaway and announced to her teacher, ‘That’s because it’s empty. You’d feel better if you had something in it!’

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At a Supermarket

A very beautiful woman was grocery shopping at a new supermarket that just opened in town when a man approached her.

He said, “You’re really beautiful. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

The woman was surprised and asked, “Sure, but why?”

The man responded, “I lost my wife here a few minutes ago and every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

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Nursing Home Care

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her,hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her,fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”
“It’s pretty nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let me fart.”

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