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Archive for the ‘jokes’ Category

What do you call two

What do you call two Packies jumping out of a plane?

Chocolate drops.

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Q: How many residents

Q: How many residents of country towns does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?A: None, they’re afraid there’s been too much development already.

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Last Request

An inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the following morning. One of the prison guards asked the inmate if he wanted something special for his last meal. The inmate declined the offer. Later, the prison guard asked the inmate if there was something special he wanted to do on his final day. Again, the inmate declined the offer. The following morning, as he inmate was being put before the firing squad, the guard asked him if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. “No,” the inmate said, “just get it over with.”

“Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?” asked the guard. The inmate thought for a moment, then replied, “Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, from beginning to end, without any interruptions.” The guard nodded and agreed. “Go ahead,” said the guard. The inmate started, “One billion bottles of beer on the wall…”

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Blonde gullibility

how many blonde jokes are there?
none because theyre all true..

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Some new FAA inspections

With the number of airline disasters lately, the FAA now sends an inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Claus’s sleigh before allowing him to fly on Christmas eve.The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good, he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and it is also okay. Then he says, “Santa, lets take it up for a check ride and if everything looks good I’ll certify you to fly.”Santa hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just as he’s starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the inspector has a pump shotgun on his lap. “Hey! Whats the shotgun for!?” Santa yells.The inspector says, “Well, Santa, I’m really not supposed to tell you this, but there is going to be an engine failure on takeoff.”

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Telly-Ban

Why were there no in flight movies on the September 11 planes ?
‘Cause there was a Telly Ban

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Drummer problems

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn’t improve.Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”

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The bartender says to Mulligan,

The bartender says to Mulligan, “No more gin for you, me boy, you’re
plastered.” So Mulligan says to the bartender: “Plashtered, me? Why, I
can see that one eyed cat coming into the pub way over there!”

The barman says to Mulligan, “One eyed cat? That cat’s not one eyed,
and it’s not coming into the pub, it’s leaving!

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8 boys

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview.

He asked her about the boys and what their names were; she sid ‘Kevin’. ‘Right’, he said, ‘what about that blond one over there?’ ‘Kevin’, she said. ‘Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?’ ‘Kevin’, she said.

‘Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?’ ‘Kevin’, she said. ‘Are all your boys called Kevin?’ he asked, ‘isn’t that terribly complicated?’

‘Not at all’, she said, ‘it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Kevin, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Kevin, it’s time for bed!, they all go to bed.’

‘I see. But what if you want only one of them?’
‘No problem.’ she answers. ‘Then I call them by their surnames.’

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Q: How many mutants

Q: How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Two thirds.

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