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Archive for the ‘jokes’ Category

Green's Law of Debate:

Green’s Law of Debate: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you’re talking about.

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HUH

What do you get when a blonde graduates from Harvard with a 4.0 average?

A dean who has been very happy for the last 4 years.

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Dogs

Petshop owner: If you buy a dog, you will get 1000 free things.
Customer: What?!
Petshop owner: Just buy one.
Customer: Get me a golder retriver.
Petshop owner: Okay, that will be $1200.
Customer: Now, i have bought a dog, what will i get?
Petshop Owner: Of course, as i had said, FLEAS!

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Sanitation Engineers take out the garbage…

Sanitation Engineers take out the garbage when they’re done.

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Fun With Subtitles

The following are actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong:* I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. * Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep. * Gun wounds again? * Same old rules: no eyes, no groin. * A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries. * Darn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken * Take my advice, or I’ll spank you a lot. * Who gave you the nerve to get killed here? * This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat. * Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up. * I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out! * You daring lousy guy. * Beat him out of recognizable shape! * Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination. * I have been scared silly too much lately. * I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair! * Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected. * The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold? * How can you use my intestines as a gift? * Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some but of the giant lizard person. * You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken.

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Hot Blonde Driver

One day while on patrol a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He
went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing
he noticed, besides the nice red sports car was how hot the driver was! Drop
dead Blonde the works. “I’ve pulled you over for speeding Mama…..could I see
your driver�s license…? “…Whats a License…?� replied the blonde. Instantly
giving away the fact that she was as a stump. It�s usually in your wallet…
Replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes the driver managed to
find it. Now may I see your registration!!! Asked the cop. Registration….whets
that…? Asked the Blonde. It�s usually in your glove compartment said the cop
impatiently after some more fumbling she found the registration. Ill be back in
a minute… the cop said and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the
dispatch to run a check on the woman�s license and registration. After a few
moments the dispatcher came back. Mum is this woman driving a red sports car.
Yes….Replied the officer. Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde? Asked the
dispatcher. Uh…Yes
Replied the cop. Hers what you do…..said the dispatcher. Give her stuff back
and drop your pants.
WHAT!!!?Icant do that. It�s ……..inappropriate. Exclaimed
The cop. Trust me….Just does it. Said the dispatcher. So the Cop goes back
to the car gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as
the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs….. Ohm no……not
ANOTHER breathalyzer….

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After School special

Q:Why did the blonde have sex with the Mexican guy?
A:Because the teacher told her to do an essay.

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Alcohol warnings

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really desperate for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: The conscumption of alcahol may mack you tink you can tipe real gode

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

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Gold Bar

A man went out drinking with his friends and came home the next morning to
find his wife waiting for him.

He apologized for worrying her but proceeded to tell her that he had been in
the most elegant bar in the world! “Everything

Was gold. The carpets, the glasses, the cutlery, the curtains, and even the
urinal. Here… I have a book of matches in my

Pocket. Phone if you don’t believe me.”

The incredulous wife did just that and asked the manager, “Is everything in
your establishment really gold?”

“Yes,” he replied�, everything is gold colored.”

” Even the urinal?” she queried.

The manager put his hand over the phone and said to his bartender, “This is
the wife of that guy who relieved himself in the

Tuba last night.”

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High School Reunion

I just returned from my fiftieth high school reunion. The Romans of Los Angeles Hi. Class of ’48. The Marina Marriott was packed. Everyone was there.

We had changed little since we had last met ten years ago. Oh, we had aged a little. But there was no real change. We spent most of the time reminiscing on the good times we had during our high school days. What most of us remembered most vividly was the semester we were offered a class in Accounting.

This was an innovative experimental class that had never been tried before. And because of us, it has never been offered again. You see we were very independent teen-agers in those post-war days. We were interested in ideals about equality and the future, not in accounting.

… So we rapidly lost our interest and attacked the principal.

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