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Archive for the ‘jokes’ Category

Yo mamas glasses

your mamas glassses are so thik
that when she looks at the map
she sees people waving

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Poor kids

Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool.

When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said: “Did you notice the small dongs on the rich kids?”

The other answered: “Yeah! It’s probably because they have toys to play with!”

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Signs Your Co-Worker Is a Hacker

Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.
Has won the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.
When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.
Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeeez!” 295 times
during the movie “The Net.”
Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
Their video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among turn-ons.
Instead of the “Welcome” voice on AOL, you overhear, “Good Morning, Mr./Ms.
President.”
You hear them murmur, “Let’s see you use that VISA card now, Professor
“I-Don’t-Give-A’s-In-Computer-Science!”

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You might be a redneck if… taxidermist

You owe a taxidermist more than your annual income.

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What Do You Think

1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you are a mile away from him and you have his shoes.

2. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation….

3. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

4. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead?”

5. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

6. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

7. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

8. I have found at my age, going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

9. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.

10. Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of emergency. I think you should write “A very good doctor.”

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A Christmas poem

The stockings are hung on the chimneyAnd the presents are under the treeAnd mama’s in the kitchen making some herbal teaThe windows are covered with frostThe candles are all alight But as I wander through this quiet houseSomething just doesn’t seem rightYou see, every year the neighbors bring usA Swiss Colony beef logBut the neighbors aren’t aroundThere’s no beef log to be foundthis year Christmas isn’t ChristmasWithout a Swiss Colony beef logWithout those cheeses and meatsI don’t know how I’ll get along — from the South Park Christmas cd, “Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics”

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You're a redneck … you think that the

You’re a redneck if…. You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest
invention of all time.

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Missing Jesus

It was Palm Sunday, and the family’s 6-year old son had to stay home from church because of strep throat. When the rest of the family returned home carrying palm branches, the little boy asked what they were for. His mother explained, “People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by.””Wouldn’t you know it,” the boy fumed. “The one Sunday I don’t go to church, and Jesus shows up!”

There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

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Lone Ranger returns

The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town one dusty, dry, Wild West day and proceed to the first saloon, where they tie up their trusty steeds and head in for a snort.
After a while a stranger walks into the bar and asks, “Who owns the white horse tied up outside?”
The Lone Ranger says, “Why, that would be mine. Why do you ask?”
“Because it’s collapsed and looks like it’s dying,” says the stranger.
So the Lone Ranger and Tonto head out to check on Silver.
“He’s probably just suffering from the heat,” says the Lone Ranger. He asks Tonto if he could run around Silver for a while to help keep him cool.
The Lone Ranger returns to the bar and after half an hour another stranger walks in and asks, “Who owns the white horse outside?”
The Lone Ranger says, “That’s mine, what’s the problem this time?”
“Oh, no problem,” says the stranger, “it’s just that you’ve left your injun running.”

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Why Orgasms?

Q: Why do blondes have orgasms?

A: So they know when to stop having sex!

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