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Archive for the ‘jokes’ Category

Settling a Case

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, “You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”

The old rancher replied, “Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.”

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Sleeping with Animals

A Rabbi, a Hindu priest and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car broke down. They set out to find help and came to a farmhouse.

When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.

The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming, “I can’t sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It’s against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!”

The Hindu priest said he would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, he burst through the bedroom door saying, “There’s a cow in the barn! I can’t sleep in the same room as a cow! It’s against my religion!”

The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he’d go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals.

In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered.

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Revenge

Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her purchases. “Cash, check or charge?” she asked, after folding the items Jennifer had bought.

As Jennifer fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

“Do you always carry your TV remote with you?” the cashier inquired.

“No,” she replied. “But my husband, Jeff, refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”

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Positive Attitude

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat.

“I’m the greatest hitter in the world,” he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. “Strike One!” he yelled.

Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, “I’m the greatest hitter in the world!” He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down, he swung again and missed. “Strike two!” he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, “I’m the greatest hitter in the world!” Again, he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. “Strike three!”

“Wow!” he exclaimed. “I’m the greatest pitcher in the world!”

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Rich Man in Heaven

A wealthy man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold.

They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street. Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little shack.

“This belongs to you,” said Saint Peter.

“Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded.

“We did the best we could with the money you sent your church!” Saint Peter replied.

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Going to the Doctor

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, “Where are you going?”
He replies, “I’m going to the doctor.”
She says, “Why, are you sick?”
He says, “Nope, I’m going to get me some of that Viagra stuff they advertise.”
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, “Where the hell are you going”?
She answers, “I’m going to the doctor, too.”
He says, “Why, what do you need?”
She says, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m getting a tetanus shot.”

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The Plaque

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”
“Good morning, Pastor,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor, what is this?”
The pastor replied, “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, “Which service, the 8:00 or the 9:30?”

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WiFi Password

Last night I went to a restaurant. I saw that there was a WiFi service, so I asked for password.

The waiter said, “Eat first,” so I placed my order.

After eating I asked again for password, and he told me, “Eat first.”

Annoyed, I asked for a dessert and coffee. After I finished it, I asked for the password again only to hear the same response. Frustrated, I demanded to talk to the manager.

The manager came out to my table and pointed to the wall with a sign that read: WiFi password “Eat First.”

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Park Bench

A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After awhile a beggar came up to her and said, “Hello, Luv, how about us going for a walk together?”

“How dare you!” said the woman, “I’m not one of your cheap pickups!”

“Well, then,” said the beggar, “what are you doing in my bed?”

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Corrupt Juror

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client’s jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state. One carried a penalty of 15 years while the other was a life sentence.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.

When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

“Sure did,” the juror replied, “the other eleven wanted to acquit.”

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