Archive for the ‘jokes’ Category

Young Vicar

A young vicar about to deliver his first sermon asked the advice of a retired minister on how to capture the congregation’s attention.
“Start with an opening line that’s certain to grab them,” the cleric told him. “For example: ‘Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman.’”
He smiled at the young vicar’s shocked look before adding, “She was my mother.”
The next Sunday the vicar nervously clutched the pulpit rail before the congregation and stated, “Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman.”
He was pleased at the instant reaction, then panic-stricken. “But for the life of me, I can’t remember who she was!”

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Surprise Visit

Don’t ever pay a surprise visit to a child in college. You might be the one getting the surprise. I learned this the hard way when I swung by my son’s campus during a business trip.

Locating what I thought was his fraternity house, I rang the doorbell. “Yeah?” a voice called from inside.

“Does Dylan Houseman live here?”

“Yup,” the voice answered. “Leave him on the front porch. We’ll bring him in later.”

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Comparing Notes

My wife and I were comparing notes the other day.

“I have a higher IQ, sis better on my SAT’s, and make more money than you,” she pointed out.

“Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I’m still ahead,” I said.

She looked mystified, “How do you figure?”

“I married better,” I replied.

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Efficiency Advice

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home.”

“Why?” asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife’s routine at dinner for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ‘Honey, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’”

“Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked.

“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in ten.”

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Good Thief

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.
There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, “I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight’s concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.”
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, “Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don’t I?”

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Swatting Flies

Two friends, Joe and Charlie, are playing in the playground, hanging off monkey bars and constantly having to swat at the flies that buzz around the playground.

At one point, Charlie hits one and kills it. He says proudly, “Did you see that?”

Joe replies, “That’s nothing, I killed 5 flies yesterday at home, 3 males and 2 females.”

“How could you tell them apart?” asks Charlie.

Joe smirks and says, “Easy – the 3 males were sitting on a case of beer, and the 2 females were on the phone.”

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Crying Baby

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands. The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn’t stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant next door to a neighbor who was a nurse.
After the nurse listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, she examined the baby’s ears, listened to his chest and then looked down to the diaper area.
When she undid the diaper, she found that the diaper was indeed full.
“Here’s the problem”, she said, “He needs to be changed!”
The father was very perplexed, “But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!”

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Big Decision

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, “You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?”

“Well,” he said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”

“That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”

“Yeah, and they’re in favor 15 to 2.”

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Small Talk

A girl from New York and a girl from a small southern town were seated side by side on an airplane.
The southern girl, being friendly and all said, “So, where ya from?”
The New York girl said, “From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.”
The southern girl, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:
“So, where ya from, b**ch?”

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Three Sinners at the Gates

An alcoholic, a nymphomaniac, and a stoner all die and are going to Heaven.

When they get to the Pearly Gates, Peter completely loses him temper. He says, “I’m so sick of you sinners being allowed in just because you went to church every Sunday. So, here’s what we’re going to do; we’re going to see if you guys deserve to be in Heaven. I’m going to lock you each in your own room with your vice. If you can be in there for a year without touching it, I’ll let you in.”

So, he sets the alcoholic up with a room that stretches as far as the eye can see, and it’s all shelves of the finest liquors ever made. He sets the nympho up with a room that is full of beautiful, flirty virgins, and there’s even a heart-shaped bed. Lastly, the stoner is set up with a room that has a never-ending supply of the best smelling weeds.

A year goes by and he checks on the alcoholic.The guy is passed out on the floor, ever drop drank. He is sent to hell. Peter checks on the nympho, every girl in the room is exhausted from sex. The guy is sent to hell. Checks on the stoner, and the guy is just sitting in the room, sober as can be, none of the weed has been touched.

Peter says, “Of all three of you guys, you were the one I least expected to be able to succeed. How did you do it?”

Giddy, the stoner asks, “Got a light?”

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