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Archive for the ‘jokes’ Category

How Many Women

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
“C’mon, tell me,” she asked for the thousandth time, “how many women have you slept with?”
“Baby,” he protested, “if I told you, you’d throw a fit.”
“No, I won’t,” she promised, “I just want to know where I fit in comparison.”
Since she promised over and over that she won’t get angry, her hubby finally agreed to tell her.
“Okay,” he said, “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven – then there’s you – nine, ten, 11, 12, 13…”

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Football Tryouts

A college football coach was holding tryouts for the team one day, and a huge, hulking freshman showed up on the field and said he’d never played football, but he’d like to give it a shot.
“Can you tackle?” asked the coach. The freshman looked around and spotted a telephone pole at the edge of the field. Without any delay or any padding, he charged smack into the pole, shattering it to splinters.
“Wow,” said the coach. “I’m impressed! Can you run?”
“Sure,” said the freshman. He took off and dashed from one end of the field to the other and back, faster than anyone the coach had ever seen.
“That’s great!” said the coach. He tossed a ball to the young man and asked, “Do you think you can pass a football?”
The freshman turned the ball over in his hands, hesitating for a few seconds, and shrugged. “Well, sir,” he said, “If I can swallow it, I can probably pass it!”

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Best Time to Plant

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.”

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, you wouldn’t believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all of the back garden.”

The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce.”

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First Aid

“How come you’re late?” asked the bartender as the blonde waitress walked into the bar.
“I had an awful time getting here,” she explained. “I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course last month.”
“What did you do?” asked the bartender.
“I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!”

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Return of a Sailor

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a newborn baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
“Was it my friend Sam?” he demanded.
“No!” his weeping wife replied.
“Was it my friend Jim then?” he asked.
“NO!!!” she said even more upset.
“Well which one of my no-good friends did this then?” he asked.
“Oh, don’t you think I have any friends of my own?” she snapped.

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Three at a Bar

A blind man walks into a bar with a bear on a chain and a parrot on his shoulder.

“Hey,” the bartender exclaimed, “No animals are allowed in here!”

“We’re not just animals, buster!” says the parrot.

“I’m not talking to you,” replied the bartender, “I’m talking to the guy.”

“Well,” the parrot angrily replied, “in case your beady little eyes haven’t noticed, the guy you’re talking to is deaf, mute and blind!” He then proudly added, “I am his service bird. I do all of his talking for him. If you talk to him, you’re talking to me, so don’t be such a jackass!”

Hmmm, the bartender studied the bird.

“Okay, birdbrain,” the bartender leaned in close to him, “let me take a guess, if you’re a talking service bird, then the bear must be a seeing-eye bear, right?”

“Nope,” replied the bird, “the bear is a bodyguard.”

“What the heck does a blind, mute and deaf guy need a bodyguard for?” asked the bartender.

“The bodyguard is not his, ya dummy!” the parrot yelled, “He’s mine!”

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Two Plus Two

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks “What do two plus two equal?”
The mathematician replies “Four.”
The interviewer asks “Four, exactly?”
The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says
“Yes, four, exactly.”
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question
“What do two plus two equal?”
The accountant says “On average, four – give or take ten percent, but on average, four.”
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question
“What do two plus two equal?”
The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says “What do you want it to equal?”

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Detective Work

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. Holmes said: “Watson, look up and tell me what you see”.

Watson said: “I see a fantastic panorama of countless stars.”

Holmes: “And what does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a moment: “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.”

“Why? – What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes was silent for a moment then spoke: “My good Watson… someone has stolen our tent.”

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Generous Travel Agent

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop, “I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.”

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.

“And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly.

“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said. “I’ve come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old fart I had to share the room with?”

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Speeding Farmer

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?” The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what they are, but I never heard of circle flies.”

So the farmer says, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”

The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, “Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?”

The farmer says, “Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you that.”

The trooper says, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a brief pause, the farmer ads, “Hard to fool them flies though…”

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