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Archive for the ‘jokes’ Category

A Compliment

John and his wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

“You know love,” she says, “I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist and my bum is hanging out a mile. I’ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby.” She turns to John and says, “Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.”

He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice. . . .

“Well… there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

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Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish!”

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A Lawyer and A Drunk

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.

“Well,” said the drunk, “it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”

“Let me have it,” said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. “Yes,” he finally said, “it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don’t know what it is. Where did you get it?”

“Took it out of my nose a few minutes ago,” the drunk replied.

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Life’s Not Good

Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. “So, how’s life been for you?” Ed asked.
“Not too good,” Ted replied. “My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son’s in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust.”
“Oh dear, that sounds terrible.” Ed said. “What business were you in?”
“I sell lucky charms,” said Ted.

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Afraid of the Dark

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.”

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?”

“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?”

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First Pregnancy

A man and his wife were expecting their first child and went for their fist visit at the doctor’s office.

After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink.

The husband asked, “What’s that for doctor?”

The doctor replied, “It’s nothing really, just helps us with the appointments.”

The couple was curious what the stamp read so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.

In very tiny letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”

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Fashion Sense

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in ‘fashion sense.’
The man walks up to him and says, ‘I didn’t know you were into earrings.’
‘Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,’ he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”
“Ever since my wife found it in my car.”

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Guess Which One

A young man excitedly tells his mother that he’s fallen in love and is going to get married.

He says, “Just for fun, Mom, I’m going to bring over three women and you try to guess which one I’m going to marry.” The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat with his mother for a while.

He then says, “OK, guess which one I’m going to marry.”

The mother immediately replies, “The one in the middle.”

“That’s amazing, Mom. You’re right. How did you know?”

His mother replies, “I don’t like her.”

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Aunt Mildred

A small boy turned to his Aunt Mildred and said: “My God, you’re ugly!”

His mother overheard the remark and was appalled. She took him aside and gave him a real telling-off before ordering him to go back out to say sorry to Aunt Mildred.

Suitably chastened, the boy went over and said quietly: “Aunt Mildred, I’m sorry you’re so ugly.”

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Pet Fish

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.

The game warden asked the man, “May I see your fishing license please?”

“Naw, sir,” replied the redneck. “I don’t need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish?”

“Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o’mine down to the lake and let ‘em swim ’round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take ‘em home.”

“What a line…you’re under arrest.”

The redneck said, “It’s the truth, Mr. Gov’ment Man. I’ll show ya! We do this all the time!”

“WE do, now, do WE?” smirked the warden.

“PROVE it!” The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After a few minutes, the warden said, “Well?”

“Well, WHUT?” said the redneck.

The warden asked, “When are you going to call them back?”

“Call who back?”

“The FISH,” replied the warden!

“Whut fish?” asked the redneck.

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