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Archive for the ‘jokes’ Category

Helping a Buddy

Gary and Dan were good friends dating back to their college years. One day, Gary noticed something clearly was bothering Dan so he took him out to a bar hoping to get him to open up about his worries. Gary matched Dan, drink for drink, trying to get him to talk about what was bothering him.

Gentle prodding did nothing and it wasn’t until after downing his ninth drink that Dan blurted out, “OK, it’s your wife.”

“My wife?” his friend demanded. “What about my wife?”

“I think she’s cheating on us.”

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Financial Adviser

The ups and downs of the Stock Market frightened a lot of small investors. One guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and asked if he were worried.
His adviser replied, “Well, let me put it this way, I sleep like a baby.”
The man was amazed and exclaimed, “Really? Even with all the market fluctuations?”
Answered the adviser, “Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours.”

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Bear Warning

In light of the rising frequency of human and grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.

They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them.

They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung.

Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

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Jail Time

My daughter hates school. One weekend she cried and fretted and tried every excuse not to go back on Monday.

Sunday morning on the way home from brunch, the crying, and whining built to a crescendo. At the end of my rope, I finally stopped the car and explained, “Honey, it’s a law. If you don’t go to school, they’ll put Daddy in jail.”

She looked at me, thought a moment, then asked, “Well, how long would you have to stay?”

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Hard Sale

A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.
“What’s up, John?” asked the farmer.
“Gosh Bob, I’ll tell you what, if I don’t sell a tractor soon, I’m gonna have to close my shop.”
“Now John, things could be worse,” said Bob.
“How do you figure?” asked John.
“Well, John, you know my ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me! But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn’t you just know it my damn pants fell down at the very moment when my wife walked in. And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I’ll buy a tractor from you TODAY!”

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Common Destination

A man boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. He starts to chat with her about the trip and he learns that though they are attending different conferences, they are both staying at the same hotel in the city of their destination. He steps out to the bathroom and when he comes back, the woman is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics from around the world. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.”

They continue chatting and when the refreshments are served the woman says, “By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?”

He coolly replies, “Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you.”

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Playing House

A couple of young children are at day care one day when one of the little girls approaches Tommy and says, “Hey, Tommy, wanna play house?”

“Sure! What do you want me to do?” he asks.

The little girl replies, “I want you to communicate your feelings.”

“Communicate my feelings?” questions a bewildered Tommy. “I have no idea what that means…”

The little girl smirks and says, “Perfect. You can be the husband.”

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Wife in Spain

A woman goes to Spain to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife asks, “What would you like me to bring for you?”
The husband laughs and says, “A hot Spanish girl!”
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up at the airport and asks, “So, honey, how was the trip?”
“Very good, thank you.”
“And, what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” she asked.
“The one I asked for – a hot Spanish girl!!”
“Oh, that,” she said. “Well, I did what I could; now we’ll have to wait for a few months to see if it is actually a girl!”

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Angry Call

An angry wife calls her husband who has missed dinner and yells, “Where the hell are you?”

The husband replies, “Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn’t have money that time, and I said ‘Baby it’ll be yours one day’?”

Wife, with a smile and blushing softens and says, “Yeah I remember that my love!”

Husband says, “I’m in the pub just next to that shop.”

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Unfaithful Wife

An old man asks his wife: “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that.. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he performed the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“Alright,” Martha said. “Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

Henry fainted…

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