21 ways to survive the dullest of church

– Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests

– See if a yawn really is contagious

– Slap your neighbour. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise
your hand and tell the bishop

– Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs

– Listen for the speakers to use a word beginning with ‘A’ then ‘B and so
on through the alphabet.

– Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead
of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble
that made it to the front

– Using church notice-sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials, design,
test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.

– Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the
front, under the pews, without being noticed.

– Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory.

– Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your
nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favourite hymn.

– If the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.

– Pretend to be 4 years old

– Try to indicate to the bishop that his fly is undone

– By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt
inside out.

– Try to raise one eyebrow

– Crack your knuckles

– Think about your chin for an entire minute

– Twiddle your thumbs

– Twiddle your neighbours thumbs

– Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice

– Practice smiling insincerely